Author: Jaevn Morris PM
that I will never send. /pillowbookRated: Fiction T - English - Chapters: 10 - Words: 7,179 - Published: 04-21-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3015519
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I love you. You're the only person I've ever needed this much – the only person it literally hurts to go a single day without seeing. I need you so much that it scares me. And I'm afraid that I'm right to be scared. What if I hurt you again? I already hurt you so much. You're suffering the worst you've ever suffered in your life because of me. I don't know what to do about that and I don't know that I can keep myself from doing it again.
You know how a while ago, you said you'd never leave? I clung to those words. Every single time I wanted to just swallow everything, just cut deep enough, just sleep forever. You would be there the next day. Wouldn't you? You'd be there to smile, to hold me, to make everything disappear but you. The only thing that mattered was keeping my promise to you. To live. And I did. I'm alive, writing this, right now. Aren't I?
I blame myself for everything. Perhaps more than I should. And I know it bothers you when I apologize incessantly and take responsibility for things that I'm not even involved with. I can't help it – years and years of indoctrination, giving up justice for safety. And now I'm so far gone that you're the only one who can make me believe that it's not true. Your words are my rope, and your arms are my life preserver. The second they're gone, I start floundering again. I can only tread water for so long, so when too much time goes by without you, I drown. It happened once.
You blamed yourself for that, didn't you? I hate that you had to do that because I wasn't there to tell you it wasn't your fault. I hate them more for trying to take you away. And I hate myself the most for letting it happen in the first place. I had promised you I would stop, but I wasn't strong enough to keep my word unless you were right there next to me, encouraging me. This kind of need is sad, pathetic, weak. I wish I didn't need you this much, because I'm burdening you with my obsession. I spend too much time with you, dragging you down into my personal hell when you already have one of your own to carry around. That's cruel of me and I realize it.
We tried to end it. It didn't work out so well. I told myself it would be better that way. I told myself that as long as you kept smiling that was enough to get me through the torment. But it was like ripping out my soul and tearing it to shreds. It hurt me so badly I thought I would never be able to feel anything again. I watched you suffer and I couldn't even lay my hand on your shoulder. I couldn't give you a single comforting word. And throughout it all, the only thing in my mind was the thought of your arms, encircling me, holding me together even though I was melting away.
Do we have to do that again? Now that everything's out in the open, I mean. I'm scared that now that you've said everything you needed to say, you won't need me anymore, won't want me, will slowly realize that you don't love me. It will break my heart to hear that, if it's true. But your smile is all I need, even if that smile isn't for me. I don't care, I just need to see it. I just need to hear your laugh. Even if it's not for me.
Believe me. I'm so sorry if I hurt you – and I did, I know I did. I'm sorry that I burden you, worry you, rely on you. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you. You're magnificent, beautiful, skilled, intelligent, artistic, strong, and so, so much more. I can't even find the words to say how much I admire you, how much I care about you, how much I need you. Because I do admire you, and care, and I really do need you. I love you. And I'm sorry.