APRIL 29TH 2012.

Would you like to know all about how my life seems to be falling back apart even though it seems like I had just stitched it back up? I think you do.

I hate it. I really do. For once in my life my depression has nothing to do with my family. I feel depressed because for the first time in my life I was rejected. And, by a guy who I really had feelings for, and whom I liked for more than just his outside appearance. I just don't understand why he would reject me! I'm an amazing person... I don't cheat, unlike Brenda, whom he's dated twice already even though he doesn't have any feelings for her. I'm his friend and I actually care about him and I feel like I can tell him anything! Brenda is just a dirty little hamster.

I know that I probably should just get over him.. but I'm not exactly sure if I can. At least, not now. I don't want to be too persistent and pushy, but I really do like him a lot and I want him to be aware of that. I can't believe I was rejected! It makes me want to start crying. Jeesh, why does he have to be such a jerk sometimes? Normally he's the sweetest person ever... but his brain thinks really slow and sometimes he does and says stupid things...

I asked Parker to interrogate him for me and try to figure out why he rejected me. He says that he likes me as a friend and that I'm not his type. But, I have a really hard time believing that. I'm so confused! .

I don't want to force Zach to do anything against his will, of course, but I really believe that if we were boyfriend and girlfriend everything would work out great and he would never be bored and we would be a great couple! I wish he would at least give it a try. I want to cry. Maybe if I started crying on the phone he would listen... but that would be really low and I would never do that.

I'm just really sad right now. I don't want to get over you, Zach, and even though I do value your friendship, I want there to be more. I swear, my feelings for you are true. Why can't you just give me a chance? I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with seeing him in school. I might start crying. Why must guys be so confusing? Guys say that we're confusing, but I made my feelings very clear to him, and he's the one not telling me anything and ignoring my feelings! I want to understand him and I want to be close to him! I don't want to feel sad anymore...

I want to be able to hug and kiss Zach and be with him as long as possible. He is possibly one of the awesomest persons that I have ever met, and I don't believe that I have ever felt this strongly about anyone beforehand. Yet he goes and rejects me. Does he not realize how difficult it was to confess to him? Does he not realize just how much I like him? I don't often date guys but I want to date him, I really do!

I don't know how to handle this, really, I don't. Will he ever let me go out with him? I really really like him, to the point that I almost feel like it's love... but I don't like that word. It's too powerful, and when people say it to me I always get the feeling that they're lying. Maybe if Zach said it it would be different. I can trust Zach. Right? I feel like I can trust him almost more than I can trust Myranda.

In all this, I wish I could show this entry to Zach and let him see just how much I really do care about him. But, that would be really scary and awkward and I really think he would be creeped out if I told him all of this. I wish guys would read more romance stories. They could learn some things from them.

... When I'm with Zach or when I'm texting him I feel butterflies flutter in my tummy ^_^ He's so adorable and we really do have a lot in common! We both like pretty much the same type of music! And he's a total nerd, like me. Although, he's not nearly as into anime as I am.. But I don't think many people are :-P

In conclusion, (Lol!) I really like Zach and I must win him over, because he's an amazing person and I really really like him. He makes me feel special and important. He's normally a very smart person and I really think we could go far! We have so much in common, and yet we have so many differences... but opposites attract! I really want to get closer to him and tell him everything. Well, wish me luck! まったね！

APRIL 30TH 2012.

I'm sorry that I like to hurt myself. I try and try not to do it but I love the relief and I don't quite understand why people make such a big fuss over it. Physical pain makes me forget for a moment how much it hurts inside. It's a thrill and I love it. But, I know that if Zach ever found out that I was hurting myself because of him he would be really disappointed. I don't want to hurt myself because he made me feel sad. I'm going to win him over and I'm going to be mature about it. I don't want to stoop low and use my depression or my sad feelings and crazy thoughts as a reason for him to date me. That really wouldn't be fair at all.

I want to be able to tell Zach everything, and I want us to be more than just friends. I don't want him to feel sorry for me, I just want him to be able to know and help me. I really don't know why I'm trying this hard to get him, I've never done it before, but Zach is such an amazing person and there is no other person that I like like this, inside and out. He's so adorable and cute that it's almost too much for me to bear. ^_^

Grr, I wish that this could just be easy and Zach could be mine forever, but I know things aren't ever that simple. Even if I do date him, it more than likely won't last all through high school, and once we're out of school what will happen? I don't like to think this way, but I have to be rational.

Today hopefully Parker is going to call Zach and ask him what's up. I really want to know why I'm not good enough for him. I don't want to change for him, but I want to see if things can be sorted out and fixed. That's not bad, is it? I don't believe it is. Anyways, tomorrow sometime I am totally gonna ask him to flex for me. And, hopefully during lunch I'll be able to arm wrestle with him. I really wanted to ask him to during lunch today, but the guy table really scares me so I didn't want to go alone and Parker didn't want to go with me. Hopefully in a few days things will be completely different and I won't be depressed anymore, and Zachary Leone LeMay will be mine to hug and kiss and talk to and be all lovey-dovey.

I think that after Parker calls Zach today that I might have to call him back and talk to him. I don't really want to do this because it's embarrassing, but maybe if I tell him exactly how I feel things will be different. I don't think Zach could be so cruel as to ignore me after I told him how much I like him. It's NOT just one of those annoying little crushes the 8th graders often get. I'm not trying to date him because he's popular.. really he's not that popular at all. But, he deserves to be ^_^

I don't understand why guys have to be so difficult, but I guess it really can't be helped. I really like Zach. Actually.. I might even... love him? I really don't like that word, but I might have to use it. I've probably said this to you before, but my feelings for him are true. I can't even use words to describe how I feel about him. No matter how I word it it doesn't sound nearly as real as it is. My heart flutters, I get nervous, a weird smile creeps onto my face,... and yet I feel like crying because I can't be close to him. When he touches me a smile creeps onto my face, I giggle, and I blush nervously...

I honestly wish that I could talk to Zach all of the time. I never want to have to live without him. If he read this he would probably think that I'm a complete creeper for saying things like this. But... this is truly how I feel! I don't believe I've ever told any of my former boyfriends that I loved them... but Zach is different. I suddenly feel the urge to tell him this. What do I do? I wish that Parker would call me! I really need to talk to someone right now, but no one is answering my messages or calls! Grrrr!

Guys are so complicated. Why can't this all just be simple?

Tomorrow is a B day. That means that I have classes with Zach! I really hope that things aren't awkward in school tomorrow... I really think that I love him.