i suck

poison

into my lungs because

i have parts of me

i need to kill.

i don't know where they live

but

it is not in my skin

it is not in my liver

it is not in my stomach

i have poisoned those

already

it is not in my lungs either but

forgive me,

for i do what i have to.

i have tried so many things.

it is exhausting to run so far

only to catch up with me.

outside it is snowing petals.

inside i breathe in carbon monoxide

and wonder how many times

i must apologize to the universe

before it will accept.

it is exhausting to run away.

i will burn my throat

breathing in everything but oxygen

until i can stop making my body

pay for my heart's crimes.

outside it is snowing petals.

it is exhausting to stay

when i am always trying to run.