How our Midsummer Night's Dreams change

Prologue

What I'm writing is all true. Every event, conversation and thought I'm sharing with you is completely unfabricated, apart from the names of the people involved. I'm going to be honest- what you'll see here is the real me, the lies I've told people, and the secrets I'm shamed into keeping. I need it out of my system. But boy. Does my life make for one dramatic read.

Chapter 1- A Brief History of Nearly Nothing.

March 2012. By this point, I am in my final year of my A-Levels, I am seventeen years old, and have too many feelings and too much imagination. My name is Lila Davies. This is how it all started.

I have no friends, in March 2012. I used to fit in, you know. I used to be so close to a few people that I really cherished, and did everything in my power to make them happy. I still have my two best girls, Charlie and Julia, but Charlie goes to a different college to me, and Julia has this boyfriend… more on that later. The point is, in my heart I feel pretty beaten up. I live with my ex-boyfriend, which is fine; we get on well, blah blah blah. But last summer, after he left me for another girl, I went a bit crazy. My mind became a mess. I acted badly- I guess the best term to use would be to say that I rebelled. Sounds a bit silly to say that. But I really let my hair down. I drank, smoked weed, had a threesome with two strangers, and broke a friend's heart. That last one I don't regret too much; he turned out to be an obsessive psychopath anyway.

I grew very close to two guys in particular, Kris and Richard, and had the best summer of my life, despite the heartbreak and stupid things I did. We hung out with a huge crowd. Although things were sometimes fraught with the kind of bitching and backstabbing I now perceive as childishness, we always had a party to be at, a group to join at the park, some kind of group get together that meant I never had to be alone. That was the life I got used to. I really, really loved Rich, as much as any sister could love a brother. I told him everything. And Kris… well. I think I fell for him a little. We got drunk at a beach party, and we kissed, among other things. He has a girlfriend though. They fight a lot, and at the time he hadn't seen her for weeks, and I guess with the way things were between them that I thought he really did like me. But the next time I saw him, there she was. And there I was, with a love bite from her boyfriend on my neck. Her asking me who did it.

Things went wrong for me right at the end of summer. We were all meeting up in the park. I was late, as usual, and as soon as I stepped into the gates I was dragged into some trees by Aaron (remember the guy whose heart I broke?). He told me that Rich had told everybody all of the things I told him. That I thought I was slipping back into depression. That I was having borderline suicidal thoughts. All of the feelings I'd let out to him, that he'd encouraged me to let out, since my break up. I constantly asked if it was okay for me to talk to him about things. He constantly reassured me that it was okay. His betrayal felt like a huge knife wound in the back. Then I found out that the girl who'd taken this information and started to stir my friends against me was another girl I counted as a close friend, Bria. I was there for her through a lot. She was there for me too- she helped me pack my things when my mum threw me out. Another hurt. I didn't know what to do. Thankfully, Kris and a few others came over and dragged us to the group. I didn't let on that I knew what they all thought. I tried to keep to myself as much as I could until I could go home.

I was very angry with Rich. I ranted and ranted at him over facebook, which, while not the most immature approach, resolved things somewhat. I told him how betrayed I felt. He told me that he thought I was obsessed with him. I told him that even if I was it was no excuse, but that I wasn't. I was so glad he couldn't see me break down crying- he thought my friendship with him had some ulterior motive this whole time. And then, when we'd finally cleared the air, he said this heart breaking thing:

"Things are never gonna be the same now, are they?"

Looking back, I don't even think he wanted things to be the same.

There were further occurrences in October of 2011, with an invitation to my friend Johanna's birthday. She wasn't a particularly close friend of mine, so I was really happy when she asked me to come help set up, and get ready at her place. I'd begun to feel a bit outcast, with things strained between me and Rich, and awkward with me and Kris, and although I was civil, I hadn't forgiven Bria. So I saw this as a new leaf. It was a great party. I got drunk and managed to fit in again. The group was more or less at peace.

However, that night, my ex-boyfriend went to a party with his new girlfriend. Things kicked off, with some accusations being hurled at him by a girl he'd never met. He'd never been very good with drink- in fact, he'd been drunk a grand total of once in the two years we'd been together, and that didn't end well either. But anyway, by Monday the rumours were circling that he'd raped a girl at the party. He was torn apart and upset, because the girl he was with left him and everyone was saying the most horrific things about him behind his back. And so, like the mug I am, I let him run back to my arms. The truth was, he'd never really left them. He cheated on the girl he was with countless times- with me. Hah. Take that, skank. But because he confided in me, and I saw how profoundly this was affecting him, but also because of the lingering affection I carried, I resolved to find out who had spread the lies around, and to make sure to prove they weren't true.

And this awful thing happened. A boy who'd been at the party, Billy, and knew that Alfie was innocent told me who had spread the rumours. You guessed it- it was Bria. She wasn't even there- she was at Johanna's party with me! I was seething with anger. I made the mistake of venting my feelings about the matter to Gael, a friend of mine who was also pretty close to Bria. He told Bria how angry I was. I didn't even need to confront her- we just stopped talking. And so things were for a while, with some people choosing to be immature and take sides, and some remaining friendly to the whole group. But that was that. The first official division was drawn. I hung around with Alfie and his friends, people I'd been close to in high school, for a few weeks.

The next few months were uneventful. Despite not forgiving or speaking to Bria, I started to hang around with my group. Things were normal again. And then the February half term arrived. We threw my friend Todd a surprise birthday party- a really really great birthday party. Bria and I reconciled somewhat. I was a proper part of the group again. That lasted a grand total of ten days. A lot happened in those ten days. Here goes:

Todd's throwdown was on the Friday night. It snowed like crazy. Roads were blocked. Taxis were cancelled. I ended up staying at my friend Klive's. And sleeping with him- I can't leave that out, or what kind of confession/memoir would this be? Anyway, the following Wednesday was a party for Julia's boyfriend and his twin. Bria and Todd gatecrashed, but other than them, Rich, Andy and Natasha, there was nobody from the group there. I mainly hung out with Julia, and Charlie was there, and we had such a gorgeous night. I spent a while with the guys, and we chatted and laughed- even with Rich, with whom things were still awkward. When I got pretty drunk later in the night, I kept telling him I missed him, hugging him and asking him to be my friend again. He humoured me- but all the awful things rolled in when I saw him continually leaving the party with Nicky. That fucking whore. She had caused a lot of trouble with Alfie- spread around to everyone that she'd slept with him while he was with Shelby (the girl he left me for), then getting with his best friend to make Alfie jealous. And then, after the 'rape' incident had truly tarnished Alfie's reputation, when he was alone in the world except for me, she pounced, and he actually did sleep with her. So I got a bit jealous and possessive, shoot me. She hooked up with Rich at a Halloween party, and hadn't stopped stalking him since. Looked like he'd finally caved. My emotions were running riot. So I allowed a known player- Arrow- to dance with me, flirt with me and seduce me. I took him back to mine. The rest is history.

I was housesitting that week. My family was in Scotland for the half term. My girls were staying with me, and we'd had a brilliant time so far. In any case, the next night, Thursday, I had a party of my own. I'd upset Julia somehow- she'd gone out that morning before I'd woken up, and before the party kicked off she'd come in, grabbed her stuff and left. I'd started drinking early with Charlie and Arrow, so I didn't take much notice. My party started pretty beautifully, and to show everyone I was fine, happy happy happy and as hyper as I'd ever been, I was outrageous. Singing loudly to the music, dancing about, and flirting with all the guys. But I'd forgotten one guy. Aaron. He'd been invited because everyone else had, really, although I hadn't really spoken to him much. I'd talked to him at Todd's party and he'd been very sweet.

Going back to the summer… he was one of the only people who got me, and I was flattered by the fact that he obviously liked me. I ended up wanting to have a talk with him, to tell him I wasn't interested, the day after things happened with Kris. But he was so sweet, and I had nobody, that I kind of implied that I'd sleep with him. I pitied him, really. He kept liking girls and never getting anywhere. I thought he'd prefer to lose his virginity to someone he liked. So later on… the threesome I mentioned? I'd gone home with Aaron the next day. We did it. As a first timer, he was terrible, so I faked my way through it, and probably wouldn't have done it at all if I hadn't been more stoned than I'd ever been before.

So when I was hitting on his friend at the party- very, very drunkenly, and no more than I was flirting with everyone else that was there- Aaron got angry. Incredibly so. He threw me onto the floor and threw a bottle at my face, calling me every name under the sun. I was too drunk to do anything but laugh. When he stormed out, the laughter turned to horror. I ran upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom, ran myself a bath because he'd poured his drink over me. I was panicking. Nobody had lashed out at me like that since my father. So I was under the water when some people picked the lock and people got in. They pulled me out. They thought I was trying to drown myself. I don't remember details of what happened next. Bria and Layla, Kris's girlfriend, stripped my wet clothes off and found me something dry. They put me to bed in my sister's room. I asked to see Arrom- everyone asked me if I was crazy. Told me I didn't want to see him, that I couldn't trust him. But that was just it. Arrow was the perfect person right then- because I knew I couldn't, and would never trust him. All the people I trusted- Rich, Bria, Kris- they'd all hurt me. If only I knew how much worse things would get. Anyway, Arrow could never hurt me. He could never get anywhere close to my heart because I couldn't trust him. He has a weird way of getting into my head… but more on that later. The sum of these events is that I behaved awfully at my party because I was so drunk I had scarcely any control of my actions. And Aaron the psycho was out to get me.

On Monday, back at college, I was occupied by my friend Catherine, who Todd had just broken up with. She was distraught, and I was trying to console her. She didn't want to see Todd, so sent me out to make sure he wasn't around when she left. Todd was there, and as I turned to speak to him, I heard Aaron begin to shout at me from where he was sitting. He called me every name under the sun, and threw accusation and insult my way. I laughed in his face. Unwise. He leapt at me and grabbed my throat. And here's the real punchline. Not one of my 'friends' stepped in. Rich and Kris were in the room- both taller and stronger than Aaron. Todd left. And many others sat and watched, not quite sure what to do. But it was the non-action of Kris and Rich that hurt even more than the hand at my throat. It took two members of staff at the college to pull him off me. But not before he had the chance to spit in my face.

I had to give a statement. I ran to Alfie crying- he was the only person who hadn't betrayed me during the assault. I resolved that I would have nothing more to do with those people. But I didn't reckon on the fact that they would blame me for the whole thing. I was the one who got attacked. But apparently I deserved it. Bria and Natasha live in the same hostel as Aaron, so they were the ringleaders in the anti-Lila campaign. I didn't see it coming from Nat. That stung. Their friends followed them. And now Rich and Kris will only talk to me if nobody is there.

A few last things before I sign off. Because of Todd leaving Catherine for another girl, the whole group turned against him. Todd is now one of the only people I can trust, because his hate group are the same as mine. Rich and Nicky are now practically an item, despite Nicky still sleeping with Alfie. And me… well.

I'm still smitten with Alfie. He says he still loves me. We still cuddle. Watch movies. Go on dates. And sleep together. We share his bed nearly every night. All the things that have happened have resulted in me having nobody but him, which makes me more attached to him.

Things happened after March. These things wouldn't have affected me if I'd had friends around me. If you believe me that this is true, by all means keep reading. If not, well… if not, I'm not really bothered. I just needed this off my chest.