it's just another day,
but it's not.

the bus seat sticks to my backside,
and the air condition is off,
heat becoming so thick,
you could slice it in half.

resisting that urge,
trying to ignore the scream rising up from the inside,
and fighting back tears.
so instead i lean back,
and watch the scenery blur together.

i glance at the two of you,
your hair in a ponytail (notsomuchofafriendnow?)
and your brother with the large headphones that seem to dangle,
almost.

i know what it's like to be pushed away,
because i do that too.
(especially to other people.)

i know it's called moving on,
but i need to know the reason,
what did i do wrong?

i always screw everything up.

time is moving quickly,
and with a sudden lurch,
the bus skids to a halt.

red and white stop sign,
and the doors swing open,
and i am out of my seat,
frustration pouring out from me.

i practically rush out of the bus,
with a barely mumbled goodbye.

the bus wasn't moving,
and i was running,
the awkward kind,
with my bags thumping repeatedly against me.

i thought running would help but i thought wrong.

i run and run,
stop and stop,
i run and run,
and i stop,
grab the mail with a mere glance,
and head inside.

no one is home,
and the temptation is there.

my bag drops to the floor,
and i lock the door,
and the dogs are there to greet me.

this is not home.

it has never been home
and it will never be.

homework overload,
oh boy.

food is thrown away,
and a drink is finished,
the usual routine,
i just finished as usual.

i come back down,
slumping down against the wooden door that leads straight down to the basement,
and the dogs pounce on me,
with gleeful licking,
and i pet them,
lost in thought.

the thoughts have returned,
and my gaze wanders around the kitchen,
straight to the cupboard,
right next to the microwave.

the medicine cabinet,
filled with bottlesofpills,
and i feel so sleepy,
and my head hurts,
and i am wondering this:
how many could it take?
maybe i could sleep forever?

no one could stop me,
and instead,
i walk away,
with a different urgethis time.

to cut,
and let this pain be gone from this day.

but here's the thing;

i don't.

i am back to be pretending,
and i walk towards the stairs,
shaking my head sadly.

fin.

and yes this did happen today, if anyone of you are wondering.