Proud of You

It's all I ever wanted to hear. Those simple words. Why couldn't anyone ever tell me? I just didn't understand. I had done everything right. I had done everything I could, but I had never heard those words. It hurt so much to think that you had never said those simple words to me. So much…

The casket was being lowered into the grave as I thought about how I wasn't really going to miss you. It hurt to think that you were never there for me. I did everything I could to make you happy. I did my best, but I was never like Harvey. I couldn't measure up to him. He was a boy. I am a girl.

I clench my fists so hard that I feel my nails biting into my skin. I know my palms are going to be bleeding, but I don't care. You never once said those words to me. The very words you uttered to Harvey as he left for basic. The very words you said as his casket was lowered into the ground. You were so proud of him. Who wouldn't be, but I never made you proud.

I turned and looked over at Artemis. Her long golden locks were falling out of the braids she had them in. I bore you this woman that was sitting next to me. The woman that had made it so far.

I reached over and grabbed my daughter's hand. She turned and looked down at me as she squeezed my hand, "Ich liebe dich, mama," I gave her a simple smile and she turned to look at your casket again. She loved you. She never saw the side of you that I did, but she was still solemn. She wasn't crying, either. No one was crying.

The preacher said a few words as they began to shovel dirt into the grave. You were being put away for the last time. I would never get to see you again and I didn't really care. All I had ever wanted from you was for you to say those simple words. How could you never do such a thing?

I turned and looked up at my husband. The man that I bore my child with. The one that you approved of as well as Tristain, but you never liked him. You said he was a good strong man that would have made any mother proud. You even said it about my husband, but never me! Why could I never make you proud? I don't understand. I tried. I really did.

Tom looked down at me and started to chew on his lip ring. Even at the age of forty-five, my Tomi still had his lip ring. He hadn't changed one bit since I first met him and I was happy for that, "Bailey?"

I smiled at him as I thought about you. I thought about how I wasn't upset that you were gone, "I'm fine, Tomi," I sighed as I turned back to watch as more dirt was shoveled onto the casket. It was time to leave you for the rest of time. My only heartache was that you had never said it to me. Never once even seemed to treasure me. What had I done?

I led Tom and Artemis out to our vehicle and sighed. It was hard to think about the fact that you were finally gone. You, the strongest person that I had ever known. You the last person in my family, Gracie dying in a car accident when Artemis was only three, were gone. I was alone.

Tom wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back against him, "Bailey, I'm here."

I nodded as I looked up at him. I knew he was there. I didn't need him there at that moment. I just wanted to hear those simple words, but you would never utter them. You couldn't, "Dankeshön."

Tom nodded as he leaned down and placed a simple kiss to my forehead, "Gern geschehen."

I smiled as I looked over to Artemis, "Are you okay, Arty?"

Artemis nodded as she straightened her black blouse, "I'm just thinking about how oma is probably shitting herself in hell right now because she went out in her sleep and couldn't fight."

My daughter was way too much like me, "Arty," I smiled as she looked up at her father, "we're at a funeral."

Artemis nodded as she shrugged, "Ja, aber it's true. That woman's going to hell. Love her and all, but she was an evil bitch. No offense, mama."

I shook my head. Everything she was saying about you was true. You might have been good to your country, but that was as far as it went. You liked violence. You liked to kill. You never treated anyone in your family as anything more than a tool. Even Tristain gave up on you and allowed himself to be shot in battle. You were the reason you were so alone.

Artemis nodded, "See, papa," she smiled and Tom sighed, "You two are horrible."

I nodded as Artemis smiled, "And that's why you love us. Well, that's why you love mama. You love me because I'm just like her. Socially inept!"

With that she danced over to the car and got in. I just couldn't keep myself from smiling at my daughter. She was a lot like me, but she was extremely cocky in every aspect, that she got from her father. Arrogance, but that's why I loved Tom. He was sure of who he was and there was no second guessing him.

I turned in Tom's arms and looked up at him, "You can't tell me that you liked my mother."

Tom shook his head, "Nein, aber," he let out a low sigh as we both thought about you. You had made my life a living hell. As soon as you found out that I was pregnant and that Tom and I had yet to tie the knot, we had been engaged for a couple months already. Actually, it was probably the celebratory sex that was the conception…

Tom leaned down and gave me a simple kiss before he led me over to the car and opened the door for me. I got in and sat down. My gaze drifted over the cemetery and I couldn't help but wonder why you could never say those words to me. They were so simple.

The door opened and Tom sat down behind the wheel. He glanced over at me and I just smiled. I really wasn't upset that you were gone. I didn't understand why he was so worried. He knew that I would say anything if anything was wrong, but I guess he didn't understand. He loved his mother. Simone was a wonderful woman that accepted me the day she met me. You were a horrible woman.

Tom turned the car on and my eyes grew wide as the song started playing. This song had been released nearly twenty-five years ago and never had I heard it on the radio. I couldn't believe I was hearing this song.

I glanced back and sighed as I thought about what it was saying. I guess that that was the best I was going to get from you. Thank you.

I leaned back in the seat and looked at my daughter, "Arty."

"Hm?"

I smiled at the bright eyed girl, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you."