(Author's note: my town does not have a Target store, and literally everyone I know wants one. Target either bought or came close to buying land near my house to build a store on, and everyone was ecstatic – only to be told that Target could not build there because a species of endangered snake lived on the lot. True story. Hence, this practically-real-life satire! Enjoy! ~not Ross)

Stop Work Notice

Dear Mr. Granger,

Three moths ago you purchased a one-acre lot in the business sector on the west side of town with the stated intention of building an Italian restaurant. As you know, we have been frivolously wasting your time and money doing soil tests, and sediment tests, and dirt tests, and mud tests, and clay tests, and dust tests, and loam tests, and mineral tests. It looked like we were eventually going to have to give you the "OKAY," though, because everything seemed to be perfect, sadly for us.

However, yesterday we were pleased- disheartened to find a homeless man sleeping on the back corner of your property. He is old and gray and calls himself Jones. We woke him up to speak with him, and he told us that he lives on the empty lot that you purchased. In fact, he has lived there for years, living off suckers who give him more than enough money to survive and not paying taxes.

With the discovery of Jones on your land, it appears that you will be unable to build your Italian establishment. We cannot, in good conscience, evict a homeless human from his natural habitat.

Congratulations, Mr. Granger! You now own a completely useless one-acre plot of land for which you will still be paying us property taxes, and good luck on all future Italian cuisine endeavors!

Best wishes and regards,

Your loving city government