CAN'T DEAL

Jared sat on the stool at his kitchen island. He absently jiggled his foot and rubbed his forehead, deep in thought. She was due to arrive any minute and he was nervous as hell. He wasn't sure how it had come down to this, but he felt like now was the time to act, and figure out the rest later.

He thought about the time he knew her. They had met in a writing class at the local community college. They teamed up to review each other's papers before turning them in. The arrangement had worked well for them and they enjoyed each other's company. They started hanging out just for coffee or lunch, and then progressed to spending time together in the evenings, watching movies, talking about books, talking about life.

He remembered a night not that long ago when they were discussing a book they had recently read. The main characters, male and female, disliked each other, but forced to work closely together, developed feelings that turned into affection and love. He should have known it would cause a mood swing. The idea of love and affection in a book or movie always seemed to push her feelings for him to the fore front. She was blunt and tactless and shameless. The same result always occurred. He didn't reciprocate the feelings and then...mood swing. She became upset, tearful, insecure, bitter, nasty. She had no idea how her words stung. It wasn't his fault he didn't like her in that way, and he didn't understand why she kept pushing herself on him. He had tried to gently rebuff her, but she didn't seem to care.

Then, the final straw, that had lead to this decision occurred. He went away for the weekend with a bunch of buddies. They went to Atlantic City for a little gambling and fun. He didn't tell her ahead of time that he was going. It wasn't really her business how he spent his time. He didn't keep tabs on her, so why should she on him? However, he knew she felt like she owned him, the way she always wanted to keep in constant communication via text. So ten minutes before he walked out the door, he responded to her daily 'Good Morning' text that he was leaving in a few minutes. She wished him a 'Good Day' and then blessed silence from...for six hours. She texted him again. He was having fun and ignored it. An hour later, another text message, and then a third. He didn't reply. He needed a vacation and that included from her.

This trip with his buds was a five day adventure and they had a great time. She had left him a voice mail on Saturday, apparently not getting the message that he needed a break. On Sunday she had been silent, probably seething. On Monday the texting started again. He continued to ignore it, but was frustrated. He returned home and on Wednesday he sent her a text back stating he was home. Immediately the incessant texting started again and he regretted opening back up the lines of communication. She had responded with hurt feelings and bitter nasty messages. He didn't owe her anything, why couldn't she understand that?

So, here he was on a Saturday night, figeting in his kitchen, awaiting her arrival.

...

"I just can't deal with you right now," Jared spoke tensely as he paced the floor. He ran his right hand through his blond hair and would have pulled on the follicles in frustration had it been long enough.

Davina sat stunned by his words. Tears pricked her eyes and she felt as if he had just slapped her in the face.

Deal with me? He sees me as a problem to be dealt with? Like frozen pipes or a flat tire? You 'deal' with your crazy aunt. You 'deal' with annoying co-workers. However, you don't 'deal' with friends. You shouldn't have to feel that way about someone who is your friend...

Oh my God. I'm not his friend. He must not see me as a friend. Oh my God. I am such an idiot. All this time we've hung out and he's never seen me as a friend the way I see him. He's just been 'dealing' with me. Wow! This is so embarrassing. I am so humiliated. Mortified.

How could I have been so stupid to think I mattered to him? How could I have been so dumb as to call him my friend?

Is this what everyone thinks of me? Do all my 'friends' feel like they have to 'deal' with me? Am I a burden to everyone? I must be. I am so selfish to not have noticed before. It's because of my mental illness, because of my mood swings. People just 'deal' with me to be polite but they really don't care. They're actually relieved when I go.

"Vina?" Jared asked, bringing her attention outward again.

"Yes?" She blinked at him and it took her a second to reorient herself. "Oh...right. Sorry. Sorry. I understand. Yes, I'll go." Davina only glanced at his face as she spoke. Shame prevented her from meeting his blue eyes.

I am such an moron.

Davina stood and exited the room.

Jared watched her go, relieved that she finally understood he wanted nothing to do with her. He had tried multiple times to be subtle about wanting her to leave him alone, but she never took the hint. He felt kinda bad that he had had to be so blunt. He knew he'd upset her by the way she had retreated inward, but it had to be done. He had just released an 18 month burden from his life and it felt good.