an. chapter rating: m

on my back in his bed, eyes open and
staring at his looming face. i thought;

just pretend this isn't real.
please say it isn't real.

.

.

.

it's getting close to a year since that first time -
ten months, now. sometimes it's far away,
and other times, i'm caught up
like it was only yesterday.

.

.

.

i couldn't bring myself to finish the job today,
so instead i went the harder route, the safe one.
let me finish you this way.

he doesn't know the difference. i hide well.
and it isn't that i hate this, because i don't.

he's so different from the first,
so much better. he makes me smile.
and - if you understand - i've experienced
what i thought was impossible: heat.
ever since the first, i thought i must be cold.

and he's shown me that i'm not, that i
can feel this, too.

.

.

.

it's just, some days, i wish
it wasn't happening,

and i miss middle school

when i thought my first kiss would be beautiful
and my first lover would be kind.

.

.

.

reality caught up to my porcelain dreams too soon
and seventh grade is long gone

some things i'll never forget:

the day my first boyfriend bruised my breast
how it felt to be at the mercy of a man who didn't care.
my sister's face when i told her what he did to me
or his when i told him i didn't want to be together anymore

.

.

.

you, walking away. me, confused and hurt.
"i feel sick. i'm going to be sick."
and not believing me when i swore it was different.

one night you walked to the end of the block
and i sat on the porch and cried
but you came back

you always come back

.

.

.

i think i'm going to be okay
not tonight, but soon.

soon -