|relapse, or something
Author: punctured.lungs PM
poetry & musings. pillowbook.Rated: Fiction T - English - Chapters: 15 - Words: 2,221 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 11-29-12 - Published: 05-14-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3022457
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
an. chapter rating: m
on my back in his bed, eyes open and
staring at his looming face. i thought;
just pretend this isn't real.
please say it isn't real.
it's getting close to a year since that first time -
ten months, now. sometimes it's far away,
and other times, i'm caught up
like it was only yesterday.
i couldn't bring myself to finish the job today,
so instead i went the harder route, the safe one.
let me finish you this way.
he doesn't know the difference. i hide well.
and it isn't that i hate this, because i don't.
he's so different from the first,
so much better. he makes me smile.
and - if you understand - i've experienced
what i thought was impossible: heat.
ever since the first, i thought i must be cold.
and he's shown me that i'm not, that i
can feel this, too.
it's just, some days, i wish
it wasn't happening,
and i miss middle school
when i thought my first kiss would be beautiful
and my first lover would be kind.
reality caught up to my porcelain dreams too soon
and seventh grade is long gone
some things i'll never forget:
the day my first boyfriend bruised my breast
how it felt to be at the mercy of a man who didn't care.
my sister's face when i told her what he did to me
or his when i told him i didn't want to be together anymore
you, walking away. me, confused and hurt.
"i feel sick. i'm going to be sick."
and not believing me when i swore it was different.
one night you walked to the end of the block
and i sat on the porch and cried
but you came back
you always come back
i think i'm going to be okay
not tonight, but soon.