Chapter 03 - Upbringing

I think I had happy childhood and in my early years I had no troubles with my life. Not that I would remember much from that time, but there was no reason why I should be troubled.

For a few years, I was being raised up only by my mum, because my dad was working abroad and was leaving everyday soon in the morning when I was still sleeping and returning back at night when I was already sleeping again.

The occasions when he would return sooner so I would be able to at least see him were rare and I was told that in one of these occasions I called him uncle, because I just didn't know him that well as he was always gone.

I don't remember that, but I guess it must have been quite a shock for him. After a few years he stopped working there, I don't know the reason but it doesn't really matter, and for a change he was at home practically all the time as he couldn't find another job right away, so he decided he would take my upbringing firmly into his hands.

Mum has been raising me up in quite liberal way and I could have been doing almost whatever I wanted, while dad was very strict so it was quite a change for me. Not very pleasant one for a little child of course.

I think it was somewhere in this time when I started to despise my dad and like my mum more. I think I even feared him a bit. I usually didn't understand to his methods and often didn't really know what he wanted me to do. There were also some absolutely unnecessary tasks he wanted me to be doing and he was making sure that I was doing them right.

He never hit me. Or hit me very rarely and always with good reason, but there were other punishments.

Kneeling in the corner and thinking about what have I done. Talking me over and asking me why did I have done what I did (ask that a little child, there's no way a child would know an answer for that) and although he was always telling me that I mustn't compare myself with the others and just think about myself if I'm satisfied with how I've done something, he himself was very often comparing me with him when he was my age or later with his subordinates in job.

Over all, his punishments were more psychical than physical and that leaves bigger scar when it's overused or used wrongly. He was also always able to see straight through me and I could never hide anything from him, which was also quite unnerving. Even if it wasn't something so important, he always got it out of me and I think this was one of the things which made me loose confidence in myself.

I still have troubles with that, even now, but it's not that bad anymore.

He was always saying that he wanted me to become an independent person who will be able to take care of themselves, and knowing what to expect from life, but somehow it ended up almost in the opposite.

I think I'm quite independent in most ways, but there are some things which I'm just not able to do, mostly because of the lack of confidence. I'm not saying he's the only one to blame for this, but he certainly had his part in it, even thought that he probably never realized what impact his upbringing really had on me.