Oblivious

I've dedicated my entire life to revenge. To avenge my sisters death. And to give fire to those who deserve it. My big sister died because of that witch. I'm making it my mission to get the revenge that my sister couldn't. Adults tell me it wasn't her fault, but it was. She ruined my life and now I'm going to ruin hers. She took away something I'll never get back. In the summer of 2015 the year my sister was supposed to be a senior. One year away, so close but it turned out being so very very far away. I'm a year younger than her and now i'm going into my senior year. Sitting in summer school, the same seat Jamie sat in during her freshman year. I meet Abby the one who changed our lives forever. I befriend her.
As me and Abby talk I lie and tell her that i'm not from around here that I was born into a small town with only 100 people. She finds me interesting and invites me to go to the mall with her after school so we can get new school clothes. I agree, and we depart. The malls a big place, a whole new world to me, a world I'd never seen before. Never been invited to. The first day of senior year; the smell of swirlies and makeup. Upper classmen and lower classmen between grades aren't allowed to talk to each other let alone be in the same school areas. We have buildings for seniors, juniors, sophomores and freshman. I never knew.
I've gone from small outcast in the junior building to the upgraded senior building. I walk into the lunchroom and find Abby and the rest of her clique waiting for me. I attempt not to notice them and head towards the corner but she waves me and down and I sit.
I'm introduced to the group and welcomed into the "family." To start off my initiation to the group we're all invited to Abby's house for a sleepover. I explain I have plans and she tells me I just have to come and it'll be so much fun. I reluctantly agree to the gathering.
Walking into her house is weird. The sounds of giggling cheerleaders suddenly stop abruptly as I open the front door. They all stare at me as if i'm an alien. It could be because I'm wearing my glow in the dark pjs that appear to be black in light I set my stuff down.
We all walk into the huge dining room for dinner and as I go to sit down everyone plays musical chairs and I feel like the odd one out. Oh well its not that big of a problem but its almost like deja vu as to what happens later at dinner that night.
All ten girls sitting at the table, all chatting away, they suddenly begin questioning me. I get so nervous by the personal questions my spaghetti sauce drips on the table, and Trina yells that's disgusting why'd you wipe your blood on the table? Clean that up!
Everyone laughs; I feel as if i'm going to throw up. The room spins and I throw up on the tile floor.
I flee out the front door as Abby comes throws pads at me and shrieks I think you need these! That was the most embarrassing night ever. Guess its part of being a teenager.
The next day with armored emotions I walk up to my locker, finding a note taped to it. I read it, it says I've been watching you for months and I realize I love you. I love your face, the smell of your hair, as you brush by me, and your eyes make me melt. Slip a note under the janitors closet to tell me that you got the letter. Tell absolutely no one. I write back trying to humor the soul expecting that its just a joke but the notes continue for a whole two to three months until one day they suddenly stop. I felt as if I did something wrong. I go to write a new letter asking what happened and I find the words kill yourself written in shaving cream on my locker. I cry for a while before realizing what I came to do.
I slowly and deliberately unlock the lock and find a note this time taped to the inside of my locker, me being upset and all I toss it in the trash and as I walk away I turn around and grab it out of the trash, I open it. It reads meet me outside behind the gym after sixth period. We need to talk.
I call home and lie to mom and tell her that I'm staying after to work on a project. I walk to the back of the gym only to find Abby and her six friends waiting for me. I ask "what are you guys doing here?" Abby tells me coldly we know all about you.
Everything.
We know your Jamie's sister, we know you were born right here in town, we know that you've been going to school here since pre-k. You were my friend, and you lied to me she tells me. I try to find words to make a sentence and stumble out I-I'm sorry I'm really sorry I lied. She tells me oh you will be. The next thing I know I'm in the back of an ambulance and I've got a concussion.
I tell mom and dad that I crashed my bike into a tree and got knocked out. Idiots.
Oblivious I title my journal page. Oblivious my parents are. When Jamie was alive their lives were dedicated to her and when she began self harming their world broke into pieces. They tried everything. When she died their world crumpled into a ball. They stopped speaking, they would've gotten divorced if I wasn't still in the picture. They have no clue I exist anymore.
Its twelve o'clock at night and i'm trying to piece together what happened before I went unconscious. From what I can remember I walked to the gym I saw Abby and her friends and the rest is all a fuzzy blur. I'm almost in a really bad fog and I cant drive out of it. I'm tired.
I had a dream last night a flashback; Abby and her friends kicking me, punching me, slapping me, spitting on me, the blood coming out of my nose. They call me names then slam my head into the wall then everything goes dark. I was ran into a tree.
That's what I tell myself. Waking up bright and early is an unusual first for me. I get ready for school and go out to the break feast table and my mom drops her coffee cup as I say hello. She slowly asks what I've done and I tell her "I've gone goth" and walk out the door casually. I get on the bus and go.
Today's different as I walk through the halls I walk with confidence. A new look at life. Its also the day of the quiz bowl something I've been looking forward to all year. We'll win. As I walk into the gym I sit ready and willing to hit the button. Unknown as to whets to happen.
There's thirty seconds left on the clock and almost like at a basketball game I'm the one to answer the final question just barely putting our team over the edge for points. Just as the excitement began it turns to horror when glue and feathers are thrown upon me from above.
Running out of the gym, Abby's clique is there with their cameras taking pictures, she gets up close in my face and whispers "maybe next time you'll keep your mouth shut." I figure this is my punishment for going to the counselor and asking for help. A snitch. I am.
Coming home to an empty house. Moms at a meeting, and dads gone golfing. I sit in my room. Losing my mind. Should I follow Jamie's steps and just off myself like she did. Maybe I'll use a knife? Or I'll jump off the school building? Or I'll just use a gun. I got to dads closet.
His closets got lots of manly things in it. A machete, couple magazines, some weights, and oddly a crowbar, and in the corner there's a box, a metallic box where he keeps his guns. I take the crowbar, the gun, and a couple shells. I close the door and I go on my way.
Im one of the first to drive into the school lot among the president. Abby of course. Without thinking, my foots on the gas. The next thing I know shes pinned against my car, blood everywhere I freak. A teacher sees me and the gun just goes off in my hand. I run into my gym teacher before I flee I tell him to call 911. I climb up to the roof. I cut my wrists but its taking too much time the police will be here soon. Numb from the pain. I end it. I end it all. That day I met back up with Jamie. I met her and she looks the same. That day I took my life I dove head first into the ground that day. I needed to that. Just remember one thing: I'm no longer unseen or unnoticed. No longer oblivious.
-In order to say goodbye you have to say hello. -Hello forever Erin.