|Top Ten Ways to be Awesome
Author: Little-Piece-of-Lint PM
A humorous essay I had to write for my English class that my teacher actually dubbed the 'How-To-Fail' essay. My topic, of course, was the Top Ten Ways to be Awesome.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 961 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 4 - Published: 05-30-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3027421
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Top Ten Ways to be AWESOME
Dear reader and purchaser of this document,
So I heard that you want to be totally awesome like me, the Queen of Awesome Sauce. Since many people of the lesser awesome (cough nerds cough) have sent me an endless amount of fan mail asking me how to be awesome like me, I have decided that I was going to share my top ten ways to be insane- err, awesome- yeah that- with my millions of adoring wannabes- uh, fans.
Perform any of the following actions at your own risk and please note that I am not to be held responsible for any injuries, being disowned by your family, spontaneous combustion, loss of friends, attempts to be strangled by your own hair, heads exploding from how awesome you'll be, polar bears gnawing on your head, urge to randomly scream, "Pasta~!" or mind-death. By reading this warning you have read and agreed to our user agreement contract and have given us permission to hack your computer and delete all your files. Have a nice day.
Run jump your friends
Whether you're walking down the hallways at school or just taking a stroll through the park, no matter where you are or what time it is, if you see your friend always run and jump-hug them like you haven't seen them in fifty years. Don't worry; they'll appreciate your affection.
Make weird poses when cars drive by
Those people are only giving you weird looks because they're jealous, don't worry about it! So be sure that every time a car passes, even if you're walking down the streets during rush hour, always strike a pose like those a Hollywood actor on the red carpet.
Whenever you pass someone, exclaim loudly, "Good day, sir/madam!"
Everyone loves feeling like an English gentleman once in a while, right? Plus people love it when they get acknowledged, so be sure to be extra loud, just in case they can't hear you, and wave your hand like you're having multiple spasms for emphasis. If they look at you strangely or hide their children, you're doing great!
When trading snacks at lunch, make it seem far more dramatic than it really is
"Hey, kid, listen; I'll trade you my chips for that pudding, keep it a secret, though, we don't want the F.S.T.E on our backs." Remember, kids, trading snacks is serious business and should always be taken seriously; you never know when the Federal Snack Trading Exterminators will show up and bust you.
Always sing loudly and off-tune while in the bathroom during the mornings
You have a special talent and must share it with the world; you have the ability to sing loudly and off-tune at you will! And just so you know that everyone's listening, always sing your endless melodies of ear death while you're in the bathrooms in the morning. *Be sure to lock the door and, in case you forgot to lock the door, keep all appliances (curling irons, hair brushes, tooth brushes, ect.,) away from reach; such appliances usually seem like an ideal item to shut you up with to a sleepy parent or sibling.
Always alliterate what's happening in your life
Well they always narrate what's happening in documentaries even though you can plainly see that lion chomping down on that rotting hunk of meat, so why can't you? Besides, it makes everything seem so much more awesome! Try it right now, as you're reading the rest of this letter and alliterate what's happening; it can make anything interesting!
Laugh spontaneously during a silence
Everyone hates those long awkward silences, so why not break them with your best 'Disney Villain' laugh? Yes, so next time you're sitting in class, work or even at home and one of those pesky awkward silences and or un-expectant silences pop up, break them immediately with your best, "MUWAHAHA!" Don't worry; through the masks of weird looks everyone will give you, they're thanking you on the inside.
Whenever someone asks where someone else is, say, "I killed them for their last piece of gum."
"Hey, where'd Billy go?" – "I killed him for his last piece of gum." Now enter the awkward silence during which the other person will try to figure out if you're serious or not. But don't you just hate people who always ask obvious questions? Well if you do, then this tactic is perfect; not only will you get a good laugh at the victim's expression, but so will everyone else!
Talk about fictional characters as though they're real
Hey, fictional characters are people too, so be sure to talk about them to your friends, even if they have no idea who these characters are or where they're from. For example, "Oh my, gosh, Katniss may say she loves Peeta, but she, like, totally loves Gale." – "Uh, what are you talking about?" – "Katniss, duh, she's like, totally popular and stuff." – "Um...Alright then..." See? It's the perfect way to make your friends and family feel uncomfortable!
Have a nice conversation with yourself; you're such a good listener
There are just some things you can't tell your parents, or your friends, or even the little ball of lint in your pocket. So when times are tough there's never a better listener than you. So if you're having a rough day and just can't tell anyone, simply have a nice long conversation to yourself; it'll definitely build your relationship with yourself if you do.