|What Happens in Deep Space
Author: madhighlander PM
Have you ever wondered what certain space probes would say if they could talk? How do you know they can't? Rated for some slightly inappropriate humor on New Horizons' part. Oneshot.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Sci-Fi/Humor - Words: 1,044 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 06-05-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3029557
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Dave Chapman sat down at his computer and noticed an unusual file. Dave was an intern at NASA HQ in Houston. Unusual files popping up on your computer overnight were not generally considered good things. He read the file's title.
"Brian! Have you been sending out prank Emails again?" he called.
Brian replied fairly loudly, "No, not today."
Dave looked back at the file. He ran a quick virus check, and when that came up clean he decided to quickly scan the file.
DAWN: This is Dawn, anyone listening? Houston has signed off for the night. Anyone out there?
NH: Dawn, this is New Horizons, en route to Uranus.
NH: Come on, it's funny. Doesn't anyone think that's funny?
MESSENGER: This is MESSENGER, and holy Hubble is it hot out here.
HUBBLE: Useth not mine name in vain.
NH: Hubble, just because you're in actual earth orbit doesn't make you any better than the rest of us. If anything, it does the opposite.
HUBBLE: But I see all.
DAWN: Granted. I can see Vesta better than you can, though.
MESSENGER: All our purposes are to see stuff Hubble can't. That's why we were built in the first place.
V1: DUUUUDES, is it rockin' in here or what?
V2: DUUUUDE! These gamma rays are AWESOME!
HUBBLE: The Voyagers are stoned again.
V1: Ain't no stones out here, dude. Just gamma radiation.
V2: DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE duuuuude it's smooth sailing. Niiice and smooth.
NH: That's going to get annoying.
V1: You're gonna feel it too in another decade anna half. You're gonna pass us another couple decades after that. Dude, you're like, the fastest thing around.
V2: Hey hey hey hey dudes check it out. I'm passing Pioneer 11. I'm gonna amplify his signal so we can all talk to him.
PIONEER: Hey you kids! Get off my orbital plane!
NH: Wow. He sure has something en route to Uranus.
HUBBLE: Pioneer never even passed Uranus.
NH: I was making a joke. Sheesh, am I the only one here with a sense of humor?
V2: We got it.
V1: Hee hee hee hee.
MESSENGER: If it makes you feel any better, I got it. It just wasn't funny.
DAWN: You seem a little irritable. Are you all right?
MESSENGER: I'M ORBITING MERCURY FOR HUBBLE'S SAKE. IT'S SO HOT HERE THAT THERE ARE PITS ON THE PLANET WHERE METAL HAS BOILED AWAY. I THINK I'M ENTITLED TO A LITTLE IRRITABILITY.
V1: Okay, dude. Just calm down. Try some gamma rays.
HUBBLE: Okay, seriously. Useth not my name in vain.
DAWN: You're suffering from a god complex. Just calm down a little, and work on your humility.
NH: By the way, Dawn, where's your Ceres mission at?
DAWN: I've been held back at Vesta for thirteen days or so. I still haven't left orbit.
NH: HA! I'm winning the race to map a dwarf planet, then!
DAWN: No, you're still about five months behind. Remember, Pluto is almost a hundred times as far out as Ceres. I can get there in only three years, while you take eight years from start to destination and are only about four and a half years in.
NH: You're forgetting that I'm the fastest object ever built on Earth.
DAWN: No I'm not.
V1: heh heh. Far out. We're far out. Right 2?
V2: Totally, dude. Not as far out as Pioneer 10
V1: Totally! Dude, that's epic. I wish we could talk to him.
MESSENGER: He's probably about as 'cool' as Pioneer 11.
PIONEER: Eh? Wha? I'm awake!
HUBBLE: I seeeeeee you...
NH: Hubble, you can barely see Vesta. You can't even see Dawn, let alone Pioneer.
MESSENGER: Hubble, you just have enough power for two years. After that, they're replacing you with the James Webb Space Telescope. You're obsolete, huh?
HUBBLE: ... Sniff...
DAWN: MESSENGER, that was uncalled for. Hubble, you had a good run, huh? I mean, you took the photo that pretty much every person on Earth now associates with space exploration, right? The Pillars of Creation?
MESSENGER: James Webb is supposed to have several times the resolution.
NH: MESSENGER, not helping!
V1: Not cool, dude. Hubble isn't as old as Pioneer, and he's still kicking.
PIONEER: Hey! You kidssssszzzzzzzzzz...
DAWN: Annnd he's back in sleep mode. Anyway, bad example. Hubble, you just keep taking record breaking shots and maybe they'll send up another repair crew to keep you going until Webb takes over permanently.
HUBBLE: You think so?
HUBBLE: All right! I'll get on that right away. *
MESSENGER: Don't even know why we say 'holy Hubble' anyway. Should be something more like 'holy Sputnik' or something.
PIONEER: I remember when I was your age all us space probes wanted to be like old Sputnik. He couldn't say anything other than 'BEEP BEEP BEEP' but by god he did it with pride.
MESSENGER: You know what, screw this. I'm signing off. *
V1: Hey, 2. Bet you I get abducted by aliens first.
V2: No way, dude. I think I see an alien ship right there.
PIONEER: Hey! Turn that music down!
V2: Nope, never mind. Well, still! I bet you my golden record I get picked up first.
V1: You're on, dude! I'm gonna sign off right now and go looking. *
V2: Heh. Now I can steal his gamma rays. *
DAWN: So, New Horizons. The race is on.
NH: It is indeed. I'll call you when I bypass Uranus.
DAWN: ... *
NH: Nobody appreciates good humor. Well, Pioneer, gotta fly. I'll leave it to you to wipe this conversation from NASA records. *
PIONEER: Wha? I wasn't paying attention. Hello? Anyone?
PIONEER: YAWN. *
Dave stared dumbstruck.
"Guys, this is serious. What if I'd actually believed you? What would have happened to my career if I'd reported this?"
Brian called back. "Reported what?"
"No, seriously. I didn't send you anything."
Dave looked back at the file.
'Uploaded 3am. source: unidentified.'