|How To Survive Sheep That Can Time Travel
Author: Emptiness-Is-All-You-Know PM
This is Part 3 in my "How to Survive Sheep" guidebooks. It could probably be read as a standalone thing but I think it would make more sense if you read the other two beforehand. It's got strong language and is a bit warped sense of humour wise but hopefully you'll like it. Please R&R ThanksRated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Words: 2,035 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 06-06-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3029720
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Thanks to "secretmuch" I have used their idea for a story around "sheeps in armour".
I'm not really sure what to say about this story. You may find it funny, it may suck. It's random.
I'd advice reading part 1 (How to survive sheep that are out for your blood) and part 2 (how to survive sheep that are out for your flesh) first but if not I'm sure you'll still get the gist of the story.
Thanks again for reading
How to Survive Sheep That Can Time Travel
Sheep are begining to slowly take over the world.
Don't look at me like that, I'm not a maniac. What? No I haven't been injecting anything illegal either! Cheeky bastard. I'm telling you the truth. You just need to open up your eyes to the situation human kind has found itself in or you will become another victim of the sheep uprising.
Seriously. I'm trying to save your life here. The least you can do is to read my guidebooks. You never know, one day the skills you learn here could very well save you from a gruesome fate. For those of you that are up to speed on the whole sheep situation, you will know what I have been through already. How I have already been circled and threatened by an angry male sheep up in the rolling hillside miles from civilization. You will know too, how I have discovered a much more sinister breed of sheep. The zombie kind. Yes, I have already told you how evil sheep are, how cunning and decietful. They may look like your average grass chomping, fluffy blobs but in reality, they are so much more than that. I should know. I have managed to survive three attacks from different species of sheep so far and you will do well to learn from me if you wish to survive what will undoubtedly become a sheep apocolypse.
Yes, you heard me. Three attacks. I know, I know, so far I have only warned you about the regular "out for your blood" sheep and the undead "howling at the moon after eating you" sheep. It's a lot to take in, believe me I know how you feel. I was the same once, shocked and terrified of each new and emerging deadly breed of fluffy monster. You will learn to adapt. You too, will one day become a seasoned sheep evader. We'll get through this together my friends. Don't you worry.
Are you ready for this? Take a deep breath and if you have any heart complications, I suggest you cover your ears. I don't want to be responsible for any of you old people keeling over and dying from shock out there. Okay. You all ready? Right then, I'll tell you of my latest discovery. I'll tell you of a new, heavily armoured and more deadly breed of sheep that is capable of appearing out of thin air.
Time travelling sheep.
That's right. The latest stage in the sheep invasion of the earth is that sheep can somehow time travel to modern day Britain whenever they feel like it.
Please don't look at me like that. I've had enough of those "you should be in a padded cell" frowns to last me a lifetime. Just listen to what I have to say before you start being a prejudgemental asshole. One day, I will go down in the books of history as a legend. I will be the hero who created guidebooks so effective that many people were saved from the impending sheep apocolypse. Just you watch. Or you could ignore my advice completely and wind up with a ram's horn up your ass. Whichever.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. The time travelling little bastards.
It all happened when I was walking home from work one evening. If you are interested, I work in a supermarket. Yes, someone with my intelligence, my bravery and my expertise in sheep survival, has to endure stacking shelves as a day job. Ah retail. The joy of having your soul sucked away for minimum wage. It's great fun. Sarcasm, for all you who don't quite get what I'm talking about.
I was just giving you some more information about myself. No need to get impatient. I just thought you might want to know a little more about me. You don't care? Fine. Be like that. You really know how to talk to a lady don't you? Wanker.
Anyway. I was walking down this lonely road back towards the Bus Station. My shift had finished at 10p.m and it was already quite dark. I was relatively relaxed, not really expecting any encounters with anyone, least of all sheep. The street was a main road, for God's sake. You wouldn't expect to be attacked there, in the open, with no grass around for miles. Not by a sheep anyway. Perhaps a mugger, or a rapist. But not a sheep.
But, being just my luck, that's exactly what happened.
As I wandered further down the road, not really paying attention to much besides the odd car that drove past, I was attacked. By a time travelling sheep. Yes, I know it sounds insane, believe me, I know, but that is what happened. First there was nothing in front of me, then out of thin air, a sheep appeared.
There was no Delorian at 88m.p.h. There was no exclamation of "We don't need roads!". Just a ZAP and then a sheep stood right in front of me. Oh, I forgot to mention just what this sheep looked like. It was a medeival sheep. A heavilly armoured, silver plated monster. It was a male sheep, with long, curled horns that were thicker than any I'd seen before. He wore a silver helmet, with holes cut so that he could see through the front and room for the horns to protrude out of the top. If that wasn't strange enough, he also wore silver plated armour on his body too, chainmail draped across the chest like a damn Knight-in-Armour. There was even a sword strapped to his back, ready to be used.
"Bah" He grunted.
"What the fuck is happening to the world?" I exclaimed.
That's when another appeared. ZAP. Then another and another. Before I could do anything about it, I was faced with eight medeival sheep right in front of me. ZAP ZAP ZAP.
Each one was dressed the same in heavy armour and chainmail. Their weapons varied, with some carrying axes, others carrying swords and one carrying a mace. I don't know how it happened but clearly the little monsters have mastered time travel. We humans think we are the top of the food chain and then sheep, fluffy, grass eating sheep, go and discover time travel. No doubt they have been preparing for years to take over the world. They have lived in peace for years now, putting up with the slaughter and being used as food and now they are taking a stand. No more will they look at you with mock innocence. Now, they can teleport from different time frames and dimensions, turn into zombies and generally kill the shit out of you. It's not a pretty situation. Nor do I know how to resolve it just yet. But I do know, how I survived this particular instance.
I ran back towards the supermarket where I work and let myself into the building. The sheep were following closely behind and the clinking of mental and loud "bahh"ing shattered the silence that had previously surrounded me. It was the stuff of nightmares.
No, I'm not being dramatic. You poor inexperienced fools. One day, this will come to your home. You will witness the sheep invasion of earth, see the sheep apocalypse come to pass and watch as the human species gets slowly destroyed bit by bit. Then we will discuss if I was being dramatic or not.
Where was I? Oh yes. I had just ran into the building when I saw my boss trying to open the door to leave.
"Don't open the fucking door!" I yelled at him.
I mean, what else did you expect me to say after that last sentence?
He gave me a telling off of course.
"How dare you speak to a senior member of staff like that?"
Yes, he went into a lot of detail about my foul language and attitude. I even got offered some time off for the sake of my mental health when I had exclaimed that sheep were out to get me and that he'd be next if he so much as unlocked that door. People huh? Too quick to judge you as a mental case.
"Don't be stupid."
He opened the door. Yet another fool to disregard my advice.
So you know what I did? I pushed him outside. I made sure those sheep couldn't charge through the door after me and I left him there, slamming the door shut behind him. I'm getting pretty good at this sacrificing others to save myself stuff. It's a useful survival skill. Have no feelings or mercy and it's a sure thing that you'll survive. Sure, you'll be accused of being an evil, stone-cold hearted bastard but if you don't care, then that won't hurt you either. It's win-win.
I waited it out for a lot of hours there in that supermarket. Eventually, the sheep moved on and I figured to myself that unless I have a weapon strong enough to get through eight armoured sheep - like maybe a tank - then perhaps the most useful survival plan with them is to hide from them. Or to barricade yourself in a supermarket or other strong building. It seemed to work for me.
I'm pretty sure I'm fired now but I have more important things to worry about. Like planning on how to survive any more sheep attacks. What breeds will be out there that I am yet to discover? How will we survive this horror that has befallen us? It's some real heavy shit to ponder over.
I'm getting to the point. Jesus. So, you now know of three types of sheep, though there could be many more out there. We already know of the regular evil sheep, the zombie sheep and the time travelling heavily armoured sheep. One thing is for sure, these evil, sadistic beasts are out there. They are slowly but surely taking back the Earth. No longer will they be our lunch. No longer will they be subservient to us much more important humans. No, they want revenge. The apocolypse is upon us and it's going to get much much worse from here on in.
All the advice I can give to you this time is to firstly, keep calm. Remember that no matter how many sheep you are faced with, you are a superior being. You can outwit them. You can run faster. You can survive.
Keep a positive attitude. It's for the best.
Secondly, be prepared for an attack, anywhere, any time. Like me you could be caught unawares and ZAP you're dead. You will have to become a paranoid wreck unfortunently. Sleep with a gun, or a knife. Or don't sleep at all. Booby trap your house. Prepare for anything and everything.
Finally, if all else fails, barrocade yourself somewhere safe. Get some supplies and stay put. Wait it out. Hope that one day, things will return to normal and that we will wake up from this nightmare.
Well, my friends, keep an eye out for my advice during these troubled times. I will keep you updated on any new breeds of sheep that may appear and let you know how things are progressing with the sheep apocolypse.
Until next time, God Speed my friends.