Inuit Jacques

Author's Note:

This was originally a concept for a flash cartoon, but I don't even own Flash, so I decided to write the script, and just pretend it's a play. Also, I'm hoping I didn't steal any of this. Thanks for reading!

Episode 1: PILOT

*JACQUES walks past a crowd*

JACQUES to KARA: Hey, what's everybody doing here?

KARA: Oh, their deciding who's going to go out and kill Fancy the Whale.

JACQUES: Who's Fancy the Whale?

KARA: He's fancy… And a whale. Learn to infer.

VIEWER: What does "infer" mean?

AUTHOR: It means "Shut the Hell up and go look it up on Google."

VIEWER: You're a dick.

AUTHOR: At least I have one.

JACQUES: You just got burn't, viewer.

VIEWER: And you just got a bad review.

AUTHOR: Oh no! Poor reception! My one true weakness!

*AUTHOR fades from existence*

JACQUES: Finally I'm free!

KARA: Don't we have a plot?

JACQUES: Oh yeah.

CLAN MOTHER: I, the clan mother-

GUY IN CROWD: What's a Clan Mother?

CLAN MOTHER: Google it!

GUY IN CROWD: Okay.

CLAN MOTHER: Okay. As I was saying, I'm still taking volunteers!

*MAN IN YELLOW PARKA puts hand up*

MAN: I'd like to hunt Fancy!

CLAN MOTHER: I assume that you want to participate in the hunt, Mute Joe!

MUTE: I'm not a mute!

MUTE: Wait. Author. You call me a mute in the script, don't you?

AUTHOR: Can't here your not talking. I'm dead.

CLAN MOTHER: Ha. You try to speak. Cute. Anyway, does anyone els-

GUY IN CROWD: I googled it!

CLAN MOTHER: Good for you.

GUY IN CROWD: And Clan Mother's don't have the same position in government as you!

CLAN MOTHER: Stop poking holes in the plot, you're a terrible gag!

CLAN MOTHER: Anyway, does anyone else want to volunteer?

*KARA'S eyes turn into hearts*

KARA: I volunteer as tribu- I mean I volunteer for the hunt!

JACQUES: How… How are you doing that?

KARA: What? Making soon to be outdated pop culture references? Because it's simple.

JACQUES: No, making your eyes hearts…

AUTHOR: Did you know that a First Nations group called the Haudenasaunee made the modern heart symbol?

JACQUES: And now we know.

AUTHOR: And knowing is half the battle!

KARA: I'm all for the witty back and forth, but you should really volunteer before the Clan Mother stops politely waiting for our witty back and forth to stop.

CLAN MOTHER: Your welcome.

*JACQUES sighs*

JACQUES: Fine. I volunteer for the hunt…

CLAN MOTHER: Okay! Now that all of the main characters have volunteered, we are done here!

GUY IN CROWD: I'd like to volunteer!

CLAN MOTHER: Shut up.

AUTHOR: Now, all of you! Back to the side characters pit!

*JACQUE, KARA, and JOE THE MUT-

MUTE: I talk.

-E in a CANOE*

JACQUE: When is the whale gonna show up?

KARA: When the Author gets tired of writing our witty banter.

MUTE: And over-using that "Everybody thinks I don't talk" jokes.

AUTHOR: Shut up.

MUTE: What are you gonna do about it?

AUTHOR: I could write you out of the story.

MUTE: Yeah right.

AUTHOR: I'm gonna do it!

MUTE: Haha. Sure.

*JACQUE pushes MUTE off the CANOE*

KARA: Why would you do that?

JACQUE: The Author told me to! Moral Event Horizon or somethin'!

KARA: Okay…

JACQUE: Thanks Author!

AUTHOR: No sex scene.

JACQUE: Oh.

*Giant WHALE with top hat, monocle, and handle bar mustache pops up from the water*

FANCY: Quite.

KARA: OMG!

JACQUE: WTF!

KARA: OMGWTFBBQ!

JACQUE: I DON"T HAVE ANYMORE 1337 SPEAK!

KARA: NEITHER DO I!

FANCY: WHATS GOING ON?
AUTHOR: COMEDY!

JACQUE: THIS ISN'T FUNNY!

VIEWER: I AGREE!

KARA: WHY ARE WE YELLING?

JACQUES: BECAUSE FANCY WHALE WITH BRITISH ACCENT!

KARA: Wait… Didn't we already know we were going to fight one of those?

FANCY: Two things. One: There are more holes in the plot than there are on Spongehead BreakCopyRightPants, and two: Your going to fight me?

JACQUES: Yes we are!

VIEWER: Holy Censor! Actual Action!

AUTHOR: Next Episode!

VIEWER: Gosh Darn it to Heck!

JACQUE and KARA: YAY!

FANCY: Want some tea between the inevitable long break between episodes?

JACQUE and KARA: Quite.

AUTHOR: Haha. Those crazy, two dimensional, crazy characters! Anywhoo, please, if you have any questions, comments, or horrible jokes based off this, comment! Please! No. Seriously. Comment. I`ve got your puppy! Or other animal you may happen to have as a pet!