I've never had a skinny stage

Unless you call those moments between my mom's hoo-ha and the doctor's hands, I don't think I've ever been a normal weight

I've been tubby since I can remember and I'm not ashamed to say it

I've had an emo phase

Grumpy teenage phase

Happy-Go-Lucky phase followed by the Sad-And-Depressed Phase

The I'm-Gonna-Be-A-Doctor Phase followed by the Fuck-Medical-School-I-Found-My-Passion-So-Imma-Change-My-Major-Scratch-That-I-Like-This-Instead-Damn-I-Like-This-Too-What-Am-going-To-Do-Now phase

People talk about their fat phase

They talk about it like it was the most dreaded time in their life

"I didn't feel good about myself" said he

"I was constantly self conscious" said she

"I just didn't know what to do" said she

"So I got some p90x and I felt great" said they

"Got out of that phase" said he

"Thanks p90x" Said all of 'em

My cousins were all skinny when younger

My sister is skinny

My granny, aunts and uncle were skinny

Everyone seemed to have their skinny phase for most of their life

I've never had a skinny phase

I have fears about it

I have this fear that I'mma be this sunkin' in looking specimen with no boobs

Please help me if I don't have boobs

I like my boobs

No, I love my boobs

My boobs

I have this fear that I'm going to somehow be different

My heaviest was 220 beginning sophomore year college

I told myself I would take a year to get under 200

It happened in less

I'm giving myself another year to get under 180

I'm taking my sweet time

In my waking memory I've never wore anything under a size 14

I've never had a skinny phase so I don't know what it is like to walk into a store and try everything on

I don't know what it is like to look at a scale and be shocked

I don't know what it's like to not roll my eyes at people who call themselves fat when those bitches know they two pounds from looking like jack skeleton

I don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and not see ALL of me

I don't really want to see it

I've never had a skinny phase

Who will I be?

What will I be?

Will I have to erase my poetry?

Will I have to take on a new persona?

It freaks me out

People will go through torture to lose weight

They will have their stomachs stapled, nailed, clipped, and butchered

Pop pills and liquids with false advertising

Spend money I could use for tuition

Go through all this….BDSM stuff just to have a skinny phase

Here I am, scared to death of what I will look like

Frightened as fuck of losing this adipose tissue

Keeping back tears because my body is changing

Stretch marks becoming lighter

Stomach smaller

Boob, precious boobs starting to melt away

Angles on face becoming sharper

Slowly morphing

Becoming this….

The holy grail of phases

I've never had a skinny phase

And I'm terrified of losing my boobs