Grief

Dedicated to Deyan Perisic

I wish we could go back

To where the sun shined

Out on our lives.

I relive them every day-

The memories.

They haunt me all the time;

Still knowing

That I hold remorse

Over what happened.

You can't change my mind.

I know it was my fault.

I could have,

No, SHOULD have

Done something,

Anything,

To help you.

Please don't feel bad

Wherever you are.

I can live with it-

The blame,

But not if I know

You're unhappy.

I can't stand it

Not being able to make you smile anymore

With a lame joke.

I miss you,

My angel.

Why did you have to leave me alone?

It's so dark

Down here,

Somewhere no one knows about,

Where I'm abandoned to torture.

When will it stop?

Although, I hope it never does so;

After all the pain inflicted upon myself,

Nothing else but numbness is present.

It feels so good,

To be so numb;

Where you can't feel anything anymore,

When absolutely every feeling is gone from your limbs,

Your being.

It helps you forget.

I can't believe it though.

That you're really gone;

That you're never gonna come back.

I can't believe the nerve he had!

To shoot his own children!

To try and kill

Murder

Assassinate

What he himself created.

I'm glad she survived,

But why didn't you too?

Why did Death's hands come and grab you

Oh so forcefully from Life's?

And mine?

From your sister's?

From your mother's?

From your friends'?

From your family's?

From everyone's?

Why did you leave as suddenly as you did?

Why did you leave without giving me the chance

To say one final goodbye to you?

I'm not the same I used to be.

Do you know

That sometimes I wish to join you?

To die

So that I can finally see your face again?

Do you know how cruel it is

To be in the dark?

To not know where you're buried?

Visiting you,

Talking with you

Could be my heaven.

I thought that two lost souls

Could seek comfort in each other,

Even though they were in different worlds.

Like us.

You know how much I liked soccer-

We use to practice together.

Now I can't anymore,

Because the last thing we did together was play soccer.

You might take me as a stalker,

But every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday,

I watched you from my window,

Playing alone in your driveway,

Always wearing a soccer jersey.

You never knew,

How much I wanted to join you

So you and I wouldn't be as lonely.

It's no wonder I don't like soccer now.

But I always was the shy one, wasn't I?

Although now,

I regret that

Because I feel as though

I didn't get to know you

As much as I wanted to.

I'm taking my time

Spilling emotions

On some paper,

In some place,

Holing they'll reach you.

I suppose I'll take this as another chance to say goodbye.

So here I go

I love you.

I hope you get to play sports as much as you like where you are.

Forgive me,

For not finding the courage earlier,

To do this.

I guess it's goodbye,

But I hope

With all of my heart,

That you'll be waiting for me,

When it'll be my time

To leave this cruel world.