|How to Be a Crackpot
Author: Wiplash11 PM
Ever wondered how to weird out your friends, family, and even strangers? Well this is the place to learn! This book teaches everything from how to talk like a crackpot, how to look like a crackpot, how to act like a crackpot and many more! So click on this link today to get a free sample of this amazing book!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,498 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 08-14-12 - Published: 07-16-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3042475
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
How to Be a Crackpot: Scene 1.
~Hello fellow crackpots or crackpots-in-training, this is the ULTIMATE guide to being weird. Seeing (or in this case reading) is believing. Remember that.~
Lesson 1) Talk constantly. (As if you extremists don't know this already but there really are some poor unfortunate souls that don't):
Bob was bored. She had no one to talk to. She had not a reason to make use of her hands and feet. Her brain was utterly and completely useless- um, bored. But when she saw an easygoing man jogging out of the corner of her eye, she perked up.
She smiled brightly and ran next to him, keeping pace easily. And when he finally noticed her, he did a double take, slamming on his breaks. His shoes skidded across the concrete as he groped around for something to keep him upright.
Eventually he found the wall, but only after he fell flat on his face. During this incident, Bob watched with wide eyes. But when she caught his irritated gaze on her person, she snapped back into her usual grin.
"Hi!" She announced, waving at him. Stumped, he glared up at her from the sidewalk.
"Oh my gosh, Riley, it's you! Oh you don't know how much I missed you though you have to imagine my surprise when I see that you dyed your hair black! And put on green contacts! Who are you trying to be, Harry Potter? Well you're missing the scar on your forehead, the wand and the stupid robes. Oh and don't forget you need to uglify yourself and shrink! Oh wait that's Daniel Radcliffe. Whatever he's still ugly though! I can't believe they cast such a fugly actor for the most awesomest character ever! It really was so stupid! I'm sure you agree, Riley, but you have to change out of those sweaty clothes! We're going to the fashion show later remember-"
During Bob's rant, the unknown man just sat there in horror, staring at the chatterbox. His eyes were wide open and his mouth was gaping. He didn't know the human mouth could move so much! The man sighed woefully. He always ended up with the crackpots.
Lesson 2) Play "I Spy" with yourself.
Selena's eyes searched around the courtyard frantically, eyeing some objects and glancing over others.
"I spy...a hot chick in a pink shirt!" He yelled in an obnoxiously loud voice.
Passing citizens gave him an odd glance, especially as he seemed to be looking them up and down, no matter their gender.
"Ha! I found you!" He gave a triumphant yell, shooting up from his spot on the grass.
His eyes were pinpointed on a huge figure in a pink shirt. But soon the nasally voice of his opponent sprung forth from his mouth.
"No you dolt, I said chick, not man."
Selena's eyes narrowed in determination and he searched even more until he spotted yet another figure in a pink shirt.
"I see you! There!"
He took to another victory dance until his opponent's sneering voice crushed his hopes and dreams once more.
"When I say chick, I did not mean it literally. Even if it is somehow wearing a pink shirt."
The game continued, drawing a crowd. Some people watched in disapproving amusement, the others in concern. How were they to know that Selena wasn't actually a kid with a permanent spot in the mental ward?
How were they to know that he had previously read a book called How to Be a Crackpot? They didn't and that's why their morbid fascination continued.
3) Make random noises at random moments.
Skye Balls stared at the wall blankly, not a single emotion flitting across her face.
She seemed to be in a state of suspended animation, like a life size doll. She stood stock still at the corner of the sidewalk, as if she were waiting for the 'Walk' sign.
The rambunctious noise of cars passed in and out of her ears without being registered, as if she were deaf. Her eyes remained impassive and glassy, as if she were blind. But while her outward appearance may seem to be still, her brain was working furiously. Timing was everything.
"Croak!" She shouted, suddenly making use of her body.
The travelers around her looked at her strangely, but shrugged it off. But that look was a bit more stressed when she croaked like a frog not one minute later.
"Are you alright?" A passerby asked.
She just smiled and said, "I have a frog in my throat."
She croaked again, louder this time. The passerby, a young woman in her mid-thirties, looked slightly disturbed. She inched away slowly until she broke out into a full blown-out sprint. She didn't look back once.
Skye Balls just kept up her easy going grin. Ten minutes of animal sounds later, she was with a whole new group of people waiting to cross the street. She decided it was time for the sounds of dying animals.
And so when, seconds later, the five bystanders thought they heard a dying cow, they immediately tracked the source. But it turned out to be a horribly played tune of a trumpet. So they went back to watching and waiting with barely suppressed snickers.
When they heard the sound again, they passed it off as the trumpet's terrible tune and moved on with their life. Unfortunately, they did not realize that the sound was a girl, who looked slightly depressed that no one had seen that.
But then she looked across the street and saw a whole crowd of people with phones and cameras taking to the air, all aimed at her.
Naturally, she smiled and waved.
AN: XD That was so much fun to write! And I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it! If you want me to continue, a good way to let me know would be by leaving a review. *hint, hint, nudge, nudge* XD