Insecurity and Me

This is not a 'How To' wiki. Not a one-time big-time Nobel-prize winning literary masterpiece. This is not a '5 Steps' internet procedure guide either. And absolutely not a 'self-help' guide. This is a simple thought dump with a single main topic.

"Insecurity."

If I could add anything to the Seven Mortal Sins (which would no longer be Seven...), insecurity would be my top pick; if I had to kick out one of the SMS so I could have space for insecurity, I would go for either Envy, or Greed... well, more on Envy actually.

What is this 'insecurity', aside from being a throwaway word by any highschool (or college, or even those weeboo elementary girls) clique and being overly used by Hollywood to describe the antagonist highschool girl, who happened to be not-so pretty, who is very much green-eyed whenever the protagonist highschool girl, who happened to look like a runway model got lost in school?

Webster's definition of insecurity is something akin to pointing out which is an apple and which is an orange. My definition, I think, is more grandeur, more colorful than Webster could imagine.

According to Webster's Dictionary, it is a feeling of being unsure, uncertain, lacking of self-confidence, and self-doubt.

However, according to my personal vocabulary, it is an unbelievable unhealthy mental state wherein everything I am seemed to be unsatisfactory. It is a disease gnawing every inch of my being, killing me from inside out. A rotting, degrading feeling which is caused by comparing myself to a more wonderful, more wonderful, more [insert any positive adjective here] person.

I don't know if I'm the only one who feels like this, but whenever I feel insecure, I blame myself for being 'not enough', for 'lacking something', and for most of the time, I blame myself for being 'me'. Pathetic, isn't it?

Also, the thing about insecurity, is that I know I am insecure, I want to not be insecure, but I don't know how not to be.

Believe me when I tell you, I've read so many stuff in the internet, various websites, but not one of them actually helped. I don't know about you, but I don't think looking at myself at the mirror and 'getting to know my body better' is going to help me fight off insecurity. I'd be more likely to stare at myself and complain of how much I flabs I gained, how dark my skin looks, how big my eyes are, and other things that distinguished me from other people completely disgust me.

They make it sound SO easy to gain self-confidence. They make it sound SO easy to be satisfied with what you have. They make it seem like they're helping you with all these 'How to's. But they don't. I even doubt these people know what they're talking about. Seriously, I'll only believe these self-help books, and how to wikis, if the author of the article is not pretty/handsome/good-looking/beautiful, because seriously, how can these people know what it feels like to be insecure? And no, Gossip Girl-like insecurity isn't real insecurity, they just make up that shit so there'll be drama in the show.

Self-confidence is not something anyone can build overnight. It's something that we pile up even before our first kindergarten crush. Or our first star stamp when we were in Nursery. Feeling good about myself doesn't even start with me. Take a good guess who.

I believe that the person/people who made the foundation of my self-confidence were my parents. Then my siblings. Then my first crush. Then my friends. Then for the next ten years, my crushes. Anyway, parents, I think, are the sole perpetraitors on how their children will see themselves, and I believe most of the 'middle-child' would understand this one.

A parent is the first source of confidence points of a child. It is through the parent's actions that a child knows his/her worth, if he/she is able to attract the parent's attention or not, if he/she is appreciated by the parent, if he/she is important to the parent. Sure most of you will cry out 'Blllaassspheemyyy!', but you cannot deny the fact, that parental abandonment is a HUGE thing for children. That alone kicks one of the cornerstone of a child's life. A continual ignorance from a parent would send signals to a child's subconscious that he or she is not wanted. I know that Freud is a fucked up dead old guy, and that feminists hate his guts, but there are times that I think he has a point. Try reading his work. Or JUng's.

Siblings are pretty much on the same point with parents, except that, there's what we call 'sibling rivalry'. Those with middle child syndrome knows this, probably even better than I do. It even ties with parent's role in a building a child's self-confidence. There's always a better child among between two siblings, the best child among a lot. Favoritism will never fade, it will never go out of fashion, no matter how many times parents will say that they do not have a favorite. It's bullshit. The eldest child and youngest have the best moments, the ones in between usually gets ignored (middle children, I glare at you, you know how it feels!). Not literally ignored, actually - but for me, at least, it felt that they either loved my older sister, or my younger brother more. I felt like the left over. Like if I had something good happen to me, and my brother didn't, I should feel very guilty about the fact that I got something good and my brother didn't.

As much as I hate to put this up, I do believe this has a place in this small thought dump: a person's worth is determined by the number of people he'd been with, or at least that's what the insecure people think. They find this person they like, usually someone not really attainable AT ALL, find reasons to like this OMG TEH AWEZOMM person, get obsessed with that person so much that it borders stalking (oh yes, Facebook account stalking counts too!), then find out that they're not exactly what this person likes (since he or she would most probably be surrounded by his kindred spirits of dazzling creatures...). Then they become so hurt by the fact that they are not the type of person that person likes. Then they blame their parents for giving them such genes, then their friends for no utter reason at all, then society for making such general 'turn-ons', and most of all, they blame themselves for not being enough. All because one person does not like them the way they want to be liked, double the amount of insecurity if this happened twice... scratch that, multiply the number of times this happened to the amount of insecurity a normal person has.

But nothing has much impact, such power to deeply ingrain insecurity on a person's degrading self-confidence than the presence of the greatest social network - the media.

How many times has the trend of 'beauty' changed? From Marilyn Monroe's chubby yet seductiveness, to Rihanna's hot body. From Audrey Hepburn, to Britney Spears, to Megan Fox. The presence of these sweetly chiseled bodies and goddess like beauty has done nothing but grind any 'normally average' girls' probability to get laid, let alone be married.

You have a pimple? You can't catch men's attention! Here, use this on your skin! Oh, you broke out in rashes! Lemme give you this hypoallergenic kind!

You're fat? You can never experience love! Take these pills! You'll get slim in no time! You'll get your first kiss! It didn't work? Try these tea! If it doesn't work, buy this automatic vibrating stick on!

You're flat-chested? Tough luck with that, but here, have a push up bra! If it doesn't work, we can always put silicone in those modest boobs of yours, never mind the dire consequences! At least you get huge boobies!

You're dark skinned? EW! Go get yourself a good bleaching! Try these whitening cream! Try this whitening soap!

They make us so stressed with our ability to attract the opposite sex, or lack of thereof. They are the ones who dictate which is beautiful, which is ugly, which is good, which is bad. I am not saying that this is just for modern state society, I'm pretty sure that in Plato's time, they also have this twisted idea of beauty which would lead to a gazillion of insecurity issues. Because seriously, who wouldn't feel insecure if a woman's husband would prefer to fuck his guy friend than her? Oh men and their all-guy orgy in Plato's time. Homosexuals existed way before Lyceum was created.

But seriously, it doesn't matter how many factors I put into account. I'm just blaming them so I can blame something, anything - human nature, actually. It doesn't matter if I enumerate all the reasons I have in mind for being insecure - but I'm completely lazy in writing them all. This one took me two days to complete, and it has exhausted half of my brain already.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many advice I hear, how many self-help books I've read, how many shitty Harlequin romance I've thrown out of the window because I'm so envious of their apparently sudden 'love at first fuck' moments, or even how many thought-dump I write.

What matters is that I learn to face this issue, and say 'Fuck off biatch' straight on the face.

As of the moment, I am still looking for a way to do that, and kick it out of my system, as it is draining the life out of me, it's killing my social life, my self-respect, my self-appreciation. It is hard, especially if I had lived my entire life in the darkness of insecurity, in the shadow of those people I deem far more superior than I am, at least, I think so.

Someone kindly reminded me of Desiderata, and this line I think, fit the bill:

'... Do not compare yourself to others, for you may become vain and bitter,

For always, there will be greater or lesser persons than yourself...'

Damn. It will be very hard not to, especially if I see that we are treated completely different, with me getting the short end of the stick.

PS: The thing is, I am writing this as part of my Journey. Each person has their own Journey to fulfill, to finish. They have their own problems, probably worse than mine. Of course, the selfish, self-centered voice in me says that mine is the worst, just because I want to be pitied. Hehe. Then again, I don't think I am given a certain trial in life without Him equipping me with the right tools that I need. I'm probably blinded by the other factors surrounding me that's why I couldn't find them as of the moment, but I will. In due time. =)

Damn, it feels good to write.