My Ridiculous Obsession With Love

When I was young, I loved to watch Disney movies - Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty. I loved watching the Prince go miles for the Princess, I loved seeing the fairy tale endings - where the Prince and the Princess find love in each other and they live happily ever after.

So naturally, I wanted to find a love like that too. I wanted a Prince Charming who'd sweep me off my feet in first meeting. I wanted a Prince Charming who'd fight dragons and evil sorceresses just to meet me. I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, until I grew older and stopped waiting.

I grew impatient and impertinent as I watched everyone around me find love and be happy.

I searched for love everywhere, searched for a boy who'd make me feel like a Disney Princess. I never noticed it, but I was blinded by my desperation on not to be left behind by everybody else. I grew jealous and envious of everything they had, and counted everything I don't have. I began to frown at love stories as they reminded me that I haven't found my 'special someone'. I began to look for things I naturally don't have just because a girl who has someone special has that certain something in her. I began to look at myself in a negative light as I wondered if there was anything wrong with me because I was not being liked the way I want to be. I began to feel unsure of myself, felt unattractive, felt like shit because nobody wanted me. I began putting 'beautiful' people up in a pedestal because I felt so small and insignificant when I'm with them.

I began wanting things which aren't supposed to be wanted, because I thought that if I achieve that thing, it would fill in the gaping hole in me created by jealousy and insecurity. My ridiculous obsession with love, unlike what happened in Moulin Rouge, sent me to a downwards spiral - I was no longer the happy, smiling, dreamy child who used to watch Disney cartoons gleefully.

I became cynical, brooding, and untrusting. I refused to smile. I refused to laugh. I refused to share my thoughts. I refused to be sensitive. I refused to think that someone would care for me. I even tried to refuse love - but yeah, the universe loved to screw with my head, and it just enjoyed seeing me suffer, so it kept on making me fall - fall so hard it fucking hurts - despite my best efforts not to (and no, the guys I genuinely liked weren't married and shit). I made myself think and believe that I do not have the luxury to be weak because no one would come rushing to my aid if I break. I tried to mold myself into this girl with no feelings. Well, I tried but apparently I failed at that.

It seemed like I no longer searched for love. However, I never stopped. Instead, I searched everywhere, in every one - looking for something that could make me not feel jealous, nor insecure. But I never found it. It was so depressing and all that shit, that I felt so alone and fucked up. But then, there were a few handpicked people who showed me where the love I was so obsessed with was; I didn't notice it, because I was too busy looking at the wrong places in the wrong people, my eyes clouded by jealousy and insecurity and all the confidence shit issues I have. But damn was I dumbstruck by where it was!

I was holding it in my hand all along.

It was then that I realized that not all love had to be romantically involved - sometimes, love comes in the form of friendship. I figured out that I was so engrossed with the thought of eros that I forgot about agape. By this time, I am thankful that I am very much loved... by my friends. I know it's not how exactly how I wanted it to be, but I think I'll be counting the good things I have - and I'll start with you guys.

Thank you for showing me where it was. =)

Maybe my other love story is on His desk, still on the making... hahaha... =)

Author's Note: The title hails from "Moulin Rouge", a line given by McGregor.