Tues 29 May (4:19am)

Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought. Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about.

(4:21)

So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts. Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up.

(4:24)

You've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds. I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hash browns.

(4:26)

Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex just like Coca-Cola stock. You are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time.

(4:29)

Do it now. You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals. So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

(4:30)

Do it again now. You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals. So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

(4:32)

Getting horny now!

(4:33)

So any reason why we just wrote down the lyrics from The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang at four in the morning?

(4:35)

I don't know. I felt inspired to do it, so I did.

(4:38)

Must be nice. You're just lucky that I couldn't sleep at all.

(4:39)

I am, actually.

(5:01)

I don't wanna deal with bitchy Sydney.

(5:03)

Keep talking like that and you will have to deal with bitchy Sydney.

(5:04)

You're not that fun at this time of morning.

(5:06)

I need coffee, that's what I need.

(5:08)

What happened, your coffee people not serving you coffee?

(5:09)

They're not my coffee people for the last time.

(5:10)

They're just people I know.

(5:13)

I'm sure they are.

(5:14)

My sister says hi.

(5:17)

She's here, too?

(5:18)

We're doing some early babysitting for the people next door.

(5:19)

They pay a lot when they want their kids to be watched over so they can get their freak on.

(5:21)

I'm sure I didn't want that image in my head.

(5:24)

Well, you have it in your head now.

(5:25)

Just imagine two people that are fat getting their freak on.

(5:27)

You're not very nice, you know.

(5:30)

I know.

(5:32)

My sister wants to know if a bear and a shark got in a fight, who would win?

(5:33)

I'm pretty sure that's pretty impossible, seeing as how one lives on land and the other lives in water.

(5:35)

Tell that to my sister once you see her when you're getting coffee.

(5:36)

Why can't you tell her? I mean, you're practically right next to her.

(5:38)

She told me to ask you so that you guys can have something to talk about.

(5:39)

Talking about a fight between a bear and a shark will not be a good conversation starter.

(5:41)

No, but it'll entertain her and that's the only thing that she actually cares about.

(5:42)

Your sister is weird.

(5:45)

You can tell her that once you see her again.

(5:46)

I will do that.

(5:47)

Now I shall sleep before my buddy decides to wake me up by cawing at me.

(5:49)

Aw, he still thinks that he's a bird.

(5:52)

Not funny!

(5:53)

So later.

(5:54)

Text you later.

Thurs 31 May (8:19am)

What if there's a squirrel mafia out there right now?

(8:20)

I'm sure that if there is a squirrel mafia, they would probably go after you.

(8:23)

That's not funny. You can't joke about the squirrel mafia.

(8:26)

The squirrel mafia wouldn't get me. I have nothing that they want.

(8:27)

You have the nuts that they want.

(8:30)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some windows to barb.

(8:31)

Protect your nuts!

(8:32)

Why are we having this conversation?

(8:34)

I saw a group of squirrels ganging up on a smaller squirrel.

(8:35)

I thought it was a gang bang.

(8:37)

Do squirrels have gang bangs?

(8:38)

I asked my sister that and she just looked at me like I needed to be on meds.

(8:39)

Hey, I want you to do me a favor.

(8:42)

I will not gang bang with you.

(8:43)

Although it sounds flattering, that's not what I'm asking for.

(8:45)

I need you to go to Barnes and Noble.

(8:47)

Why? Barnes and Noble is almost twenty minutes away from me.

(8:49)

Just go, you lazy person! It'll do you good to get in your car and drive to the book store.

(8:52)

Pushy pushy.

Fri 1 June (2:14pm)

You should've told me there was a sale!

(2:16)

What's the fun in that? I wanted to surprise you.

(2:17)

There are people here and they're looking at me funny.

(2:19)

I think it has to do with the fact that I paid for whatever books you want for the day.

(2:21)

HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS!

(2:24)

No I'm not. Count this as your early birthday present.

(2:25)

Spend it wisely.

(2:28)

Apparently you don't know me so well.

(2:29)

I needed new books for my collection.

(2:31)

How many books do you have?

(2:35)

I lost count after fifty.

(2:37)

I think I have over one hundred books right now in my room.

(2:38)

Jesus! Even I don't have that many books.

(2:41)

That's because you're a loser with no life.

(2:43)

Excuse me, but who has over a hundred books in their apartment?

(2:44)

Shut it!

(2:46)

Well, have fun with your shopping spree.

(5:46)

Again, I have to thank you.

(5:47)

How many books did you buy?

(5:49)

I lost count. I think I bought twenty or something.

(5:50)

You only gave me a hundred dollars. The rest I bought with my own cash.

(5:53)

Not my fault that you went book crazy.

(5:54)

No, it's your fault for leading me to Barnes and Noble and their sales.

(5:56)

Yes, it is my entire fault. You have finally caught my plan into luring you into my clutches.

(5:57)

I knew it!

(5:59)

Whatever. Just go back into your car and drive away.

(6:01)

But-but the books! The books call to me.

(6:02)

Leave the books alone or else security will be forced to take you away from them harshly.

(6:03)

…

(6:05)

Alright fine. I guess I don't need this many books today.

(6:07)

Good girl. Now go back home so that you can terrorize your sister.

(6:08)

I shall!

(6:14pm)

Sissy!

(6:17)

Please let this all be a very bad dream. Please tell me it is.

(6:18)

You're not nice, you know.

(6:21)

I'm your older sister. It's my job to be mean.

(6:23)

You're older than me by ten minutes. Not that much of a difference.

(6:24)

To me it is.

(6:25)

Anyways, why do you sound so hyper?

(6:27)

I may have gone on a little shopping spree in books.

(6:31)

Great. More books to add to our never ending collection.

(6:32)

Wait, who gave you the shopping spree?

(6:34)

Charlie gave it to me. It's my early birthday gift.

(6:39)

Lucy?

(6:42)

Incoming Call

"Okay, this is much better."

"Should I even ask why you decided to call?"

"Are you entering your car?"

"I am now. I swear, if you get me arrested, you're paying for the fine."

"Alright, fine. Right now, we're focusing on your text-buddy."

"What about Charlie?"

"Don't you think it's a little weird that you're having a conversation with someone through your phone?"

"Charlie and I have talked about this already and we're fine with it."

"I know, but it's not healthy. Face it; you have a crush on him."

"I do not. How can I have a crush on someone that I don't even know?"

"Details, details. Look, ever since you began to text him, you've been having that goofy smile whenever you get a text from him. The last time I saw that smiled was with Adam-"

"Please don't mention him. It's still not a good time for that."

"Look, I know it's a touchy subject, so I'm gonna drop it. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that you like him."

"And I'm telling you that you're insane. I don't have a crush on him."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the whole ordeal. All I'm saying is that it's not healthy for you to just text each other through the phone."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying meet up with him. See what he looks like. See if he's your dream man. Trust me; he seems to be your type."

"I don't know-"

"I swear to god, if you don't haul ass soon enough to meet with this boy, I will force you to sleep outside."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Trust me, I will. Now get a move one, sissy. Don't make me force you to do it."

"Thanks, Lucy. I needed that little push."

"Even if I'm threatening poor little Sydney?"

"Hey, if threatening won't work, what will?"

"Good point. I'll see you at dinner. Bring Jack In The Box!"

"Goodbye, sissy."

Mon 4 June (1:29pm)

What do you think would happen if I saw a bird humping a squirrel?

(1:31)

I would say you need help and that you need to check yourself into rehab pronto.

(1:32)

Why did you ask me that, anyway?

(1:35)

It's Monday, isn't it? Doesn't it have your favorite class right now?

(1:37)

Yes, now I see the reason for doing that.

(1:39)

I'm a giver.

(1:40)

Hey, when you're done with class, where do you go after you're all done with it?

(1:42)

I usually just head home, rest up a bit and maybe curl up with a nice book.

(1:43)

Why?

(1:45)

I need you to go to the LA Zoo for the day.

(1:48)

…

(1:49)

Why?

(1:52)

Trust me, you'll like it. It's part of your birthday gift.

(1:54)

I thought the shopping spree was my birthday gift?

(1:57)

It was part of it.

(1:58)

Just trust me on this, okay. Just go to the LA Zoo once class is over.

(1:59)

Alright, fine. I guess I can take the train to the LA Zoo.

(2:02)

That's the spirit.

(6:07pm)

When the fuck did you plan all of this?

(6:09)

You like it, then?

(6:12)

I'm pretty sure it's gone beyond that.

(6:15)

I've got a lot of connections and a lot of spare time.

(6:17)

The fact that I get to tour the zoo for free and not only that, but also free food and to meet some awesome kids?

(6:18)

Do you do this to all of your friends?

(6:21)

Nope. I only do that to my awesome friend who gives me free Starbucks every day.

(6:22)

This is so sweet.

(6:23)

There goes my plan to give you an awesome birthday.

(6:27)

I'm sure it'll be awesome. Now head to the gift shop once you're done.

(6:30)

I'm heading there right now.

(6:36)

No fucking way!

(6:38)

I knew you would like him.

(6:39)

Like him? Charlie, I love him. They've been my favorite animal.

(6:40)

How did you know I even like elephants?

(6:42)

A little birdie told me.

(6:43)

I'm taking a guess that this little birdie is Lucy.

(6:45)

Yes she is.

(6:46)

I can't accept all of this. All of this must've been expensive.

(6:48)

Nope. All those years of working to get my education as well as an apartment has finally paid off.

(6:49)

I like to save money and I always have a few extra dollars to spend.

(6:51)

Well, thank you. I love it.

(6:53)

I know. Hey, I gotta go. I need to start getting ready for work.

(6:54)

Of course. I'll text to you later.

(6:56)

Later, Sydney.

(6:57)

Later.

(9:52pm)

Sissy?

(9:55)

I know you're up!

(9:56)

Do you think it's possible to fall in love with the idea of a person?