So here I was minding my own business, enjoying eternal captivity in some dingy lamp when_ Ok, enjoying isn't really the word for it. Imagine every single curse word in every language ever spoken being screamed simultaneously in a voice so hateful that the eardrums of everyone spontaneously combusted. That's how I was feeling. I mean, being trapped in a lamp is bad enough for one day, try a few centuries swirling around in a gaseous state with only yourself for company and see how polite you are. Now, where was I? Ah yes, I was just minding my own business, when I was assaulted by the feeling of having my innards violently ripped apart as I was rapidly thrown skyward.

If you couldn't guess, yet another idiot mortal had summoned me, sending my essence pouring from the lamp to form a cloud of smoke. Now some of my fellow Djinni choose to stay in a smoky form, they might throw in some glowing eyes and a booming disembodied voice but smoke? That's just plain lazy in my opinion. For this summoning, I twisted my form into that of a massive bear complete with jet black fur, burning red eyes and fangs sharp enough to bite through steel. I would have left it at that, but people are notoriously unimpressed by most transformations these days so I added a top hat and monocle as well. Finally, I conjured up an armchair and a large novel and casually lounged in the chair pretending to read it, blatantly ignoring the one who had summoned me.

"Djinn! I have summoned you, spirit born of smokeless fire; you are bound to deliver three wishes unto me." I let out a loud sigh and snapped the book shut before dematerialising it. I looked up with painstaking slowness and saw I had been summoned by some spoilt princess. Typical, if it's not bored royalty summoning me it's amateur wizards and old fishermen. I chose a voice that sounded something like two cats fighting and finally addressed her.

"Yes, could you get on with it? I'm in quite in a hurry you see? I've got some eternal imprisonment to get back to." She clapped her hands to her ears and refused to remove them for quite some time, I added a three-piece suit to my form just so I could buff my claws against the jacket while I waited. The princess eventually removed her hands from her ears and glared at me reproachfully.

"Change that horrendous voice at once!" she demanded, her tone making it sound like I'd committed some crime against humanity.

"Is that your first wish?" I asked hopefully, still using the same tone of voice.

"Of course not! It is merely an order, I am the princess of this realm and you will show me the appropriate respect." Ha! Mortals get bored of our shape shifting and yet expect us to be impressed by their inane titles?

"Certainly, if I happened to live in your realm. But as you can see, I am currently a resident of the wondrous land known as dusty old lamp so your order means nothing, either make it a wish or forget about it."

"No!" at this point she actually stamped her foot in childish rage; some people just never grow up. "The lamp you are bound to exists in this realm and thus is subject to its laws, you will change your voice and it will not count as a wish!"

"You own my lamp!" I asked with false enthusiasm, "I've been looking for the owner for centuries, I really want to change the wallpaper in there but I thought it would be rude to do so without asking."

"Enough Djinn! You shall do as I command and nothing else, change your voice now!" I heaved a long suffering sigh and changed my voice into one so soporific that it has been known to be put those suffering from chronic insomnia into a sleep that lasts for months.

"Better now?" I asked, grinning as the princess let out a loud yawn. She looked horrified for a minute before her expression was replaced by more anger towards me.

"No! Change your voice to that of songbird!"

"Fine," I cawed, yes, I had now taken to speaking like a crow.

"I said a songbird!"

"Crows can sing songs, listen to this: Death, death, death, I love death!" She didn't look overly impressed so I continued. "I am an ill omen, fortune tellers always call my name!"

"Enough, speak in my voice, if your vile magic can reproduce such a beautiful sound."

"As you command, my lady," I replied, perfectly mimicking her voice just to prove I could.

"Now, onto my first wish. The prince of the neighbouring realm refuses to acknowledge my beauty, I would have you destroy anyone he perceives as fairer than I am."

"It will be done," I clicked my fingers and an eerie silence instantly followed. It was easy to notice because right up until I had just clicked my fingers, a crew of workmen had been repaving the main road leading up to the palace.

"What have you done!" She shrieked, "You've gone and struck me deaf haven't you?"

"Evidently not, as you can hear your own voice. No, I simply extinguished all life in the world."

"What! I asked you to destroy anyone the prince thought was fairer than I was."

"Exactly."

"You! Reverse it now! I command you!"

"Reverse what? Your aging process so you are left as an infant?" Now, I could easily have done just that, as she hadn't specified what I was supposed to be reversing but there'd still be one wish left and I'd be stuck until she was old enough to try another wish. I simply asked to aggravate her.

"No! Bring everybody back right now!"

"That counts as a wish you know…"

"You can't do that, I never wanted you to kill everyone!"

"You made a request, I acted on it, it counts as wish, whether you like it or not." She paced around the room for a bit after that, trying to figure some way out of her predicament.

"I'd hate to waste my second wish but who is going to serve me if there is no one left alive?" she sighed as if the decision was outrageously difficult. "Fine, reverse my last wish."

"You haven't made your last wish, I cannot reverse something that hasn't happened."

"Ugh! I'd have you put to death if I could! Reverse my first wish!" I clicked my fingers and the noise from outside returned as if it had never been gone. "Good! Finally, something you've done properly, now, be silent while I think about my last wish."

"If I could suggest setting me free my lady?"

"No! I said be silent and that is not a wish! Don't you dare silence the whole world or some nonsense!" I closed my eyes and lounged back in the armchair, feigning sleep as I waited. "Aha!" I cracked one eye open and shot her a questioning look. "Why wait for one of the nobles to ask for the honour of escorting me to the royal ball when you could just summon one!"

"A fine idea my lady, any specific requirements you have in mind?"

"Yes, he has to be someone everyone will be jealous of, a good listener and from a wealthy background."

"Wise choices my lady, is that all?"

"Yes, get on with it!" I clicked my fingers and a man shaped statue of pure diamond appeared beside her. "No! You've cheated me again! What's this supposed to be!"

"Your escort my lady, everyone will be jealous of such a valuable statue, it'll never interrupt you and it's from the very wealth of the earth itself. I bid you good day, oh, and put this lamp somewhere no one will find it could you?" With her shrieks of anger following me, I diffused back into a cloud of smoke and vanished back into the lamp, my task done. I wonder how long I'll be trapped before my next summoning. Maybe my next master will set me free? Nah, something that ridiculous would never happen.