|Stop, think about it
Author: Gothinthemist PM
Less of a story, more like me going on about crap.Rated: Fiction T - English - Chapters: 7 - Words: 8,601 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 07-30-12 - Published: 07-24-12 - id: 3044518
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
1. Merch Does the object of your obsession have merchandise? Yes? Good. Make it your job to own every available piece of it. If you don't own every piece of available merchandise, you aren't complete. In fact, you won't have a functioning life because there will be a large gaping hole in your chest where that missing merchandise should be. The hole will be so mind-rendingly large that your mother, your best friend, your car, your dog, not even your smoking hot girlfriend will be able to fill. Also, the hole and stinking lumps of meat that surround it will be gradually eaten by the nastiest of flies until you do find something to plug it up with.
And cement will not work.
Make it your job to become a next-gen treasure hunter and send yourself on a never-ending quest to acquire all existing bits of said merchandise to plug that hole before the fly eggs do. Yes, even the Japan-release only ones.
2. In the Beginning A true fan must also have been alive when the object of their desire came into existence. Actually, even being -born- the same year the its creation is kind of cutting it close. Especially since slobbering children are usually too young to comprehend the awesomeness of most things with their yet-unformed goblin-like mush minds. Not only must you have been alive when the object of your fan-ness was created, you must have been old enough to comprehend it.
Missed the mark by ten years? Maybe you had the misfortune of being born several generations later?
Like a dog that just happens to have only three legs and an owner that likes locking them in a leather purse, that's simply too bad. Why?
Because only people who were born within the right time can -fully- understand the awesomeness of it. Every one else will just have to deal with second-rate, third-legged, leather-purseness. Just like the dog.
3. True Love Being a true fan automatically means that you are required to fully and unconditionally love everything about your fandom. Everything. Every. Thing. If you don't, then you're a hater, plain and simple. Or a wolf in "true fan" clothing. People like that undermine the very values of what it's like to be a "true fan" and should thus be weeded out accordingly. To be a true fan, you must like and appreciate every aspect of the series. -Especially- the parts that got exceedingly bad reviews or were just generally hated by every sane person with eyes in their skull. Hey, through thick and thin, right?
Well. Someone has to do it. Be the foundation that holds all righteousness up. Even the sickly, rotting, heavily diseased parts.
4. Life Outside of the work itself, you shouldn't have one. Self-fucking-explanatory.
5. Passion As a true fan, you should always be angry. Always. About something, anything. While this work did state earlier that you should unconditionally love every aspect of the object of your desire, you should also be on the look out for defectors and those that wish to corrupt it or twist it from its original awesome. Express your love by saying that the earliest stage of the work was the best (and that you understand and embrace this more than anyone else). Tell people that are late-comers to the series that they aren't and never will be "true fans." Also, tell those that enjoy the later parts of it or the more "recent work" that they're blind, ignorant stool suckers whose miserable taste buds will never know the true glory of untainted succulence that drips like sweet milk from the gold-encrusted tit of the creator because they've only spent the majority of their fanlives doing the equivalent of squatting in caves and lapping up disease-riddled waste water.
6. Devotion Voicing your love isn't enough. If you want to "prove" it (besides sucking up every available aspect of merch like a fandom octopus) you must hunt down those who claim otherwise. Flush them out, make them suffer. Either make them think the same way as you or utterly and completely annihilate them off the face of the earth. Or, at least, the interwebs. Like rats they hide in their mother's basements, and it's up to YOU, self-appointed protector of the fandom, to remedy all that is vile and excessively shitty and serve as the vacuum-cleaner of truth and weed out the festering vermin that gnaw hideously at the floorboards of goodness.
The harsher your attacks, the more evident the proof of your love.
Ten points for IRL verbal rebuttals to naysayers in real life.
Twenty points for patrolling on the net.
Over nine thousand points and a golden ticket to True Fan Nirvana for physical assault and an arrest warrant (Small bonuses also available for cigarette burns and pushing people down stairs).
Successfully blowing yourself up and taking every other fan and non-fan with you...
Performing all these tasks may seem like a daunting task...for a non-true fan. But because you're a true fan, it can be easy, even fun. But first and foremost, you must remember the
7. The Most Important Thing. That is, that you are a truer fan than everyone else.
Yep. Everyone else.
This means more than your mother, your brother, your cousin, your next door neighbor, your IRL friend, your online friend who's actually a lot older than he let on, all the fangirls in the anime club at your school combined and last but not least,
the creator him or herself.
In fact, fuck the creator.
YOU know what's best for the work.
You are the creator.