|How to make a
Author: Gothinthemist PM
My guide on how to make stuff! Not really true.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,197 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 07-28-12 - Published: 07-24-12 - id: 3044593
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Warning: Excessive Cursing Ahead
Women have come a long way in society and in real life. This has also been seen reflected in many works of fiction with many different female characters. But female characters just gotta follow certain lines if they just wanna make the cut and play it with the big boys in a big boy world. So here are some tips to make a deep, meaningful, and completely well thought out female character!
1. Face Her face must always be round, cherubic, or child-like. Don't want it too angular or she'll look too old. If it's too long she'll look like a horse. If it's round, it will always have a youthful, pretty look, almost like a doll. So it's like a one-size fits all pajamas set but for people with vaginas, tee hee.
2. Youth The young, round face brings up another point. Main female characters must always be young. Sure, an older, grandmotherly supporting/advice character is good as a background prop supporting character once in a while but COME ON. As a main character? Pffft! That's not hot, sexy, or fun! Only young, fun girls is where it's at! No one wants an old bag over the age of twenty-something hagging it up in there! Having older men as main characters is okay because men are more versatile! But women? What? Stop fapping to porn of grandma over there, douchebag, and get with the times!
3. Cookie Cutter Bodies On top of always being young and having round faces, they must
have similar bodies. Sure, the male cast can be muscular, skinny, overweight, older, whatever, but chicks must ALWAYS follow a set body type. and no fat chicks The only thing allowed to "differ" on a female body (or have any excess weight) is the ass, breasts, and hips. If youreally wanna get edgy, give the girls all the same bodies BUT just change the eye and hair color! So what if skinny, doll-face Suzie is a clone of skinny, doll-face Jamie? Just cut one's hair shorter and give the other different eye color! Problem solved! The illusion of diversity and choice sure is exhilarating! I mean, ACCESSORIZING IS GREAT, NOW YOU'RE THINKING INNOVATIVELY , GOOD JOB!
4. A Female Character is Only Interesting/Worth It if She's Good-Looking Don't even fucking try to delude yourself that you're fapping to her intellect. Also, SELF-EXPLANATORY.
5. Personality As long as the character is good looking, you can give her the same cliche cookie-cutter personality. Even if it's something with the illusion of depth such as "girl in love with main character
but he doesn't notice her and she fights for her friends and is always cheerful" or "kick ass babe with gun with tragic past" and it's cliche as your typical princess-saved-from-evil-by-shining-knight run of the mill BS, WHO THE FUCK CARES. It's not like that's what we're paying attention to, right?
Even if the backstory/personality you've given her has been done to death a billion times, as long as she looks fine and/or tailors to the audience using her appearance in some way, you might as well fuck that idea in the ass and set it on fire.
6. No Ugly Female Leads Don't even think about it you dipshit. What are you? A MISOGYNIST?
By suggesting an UGLY female lead, you're saying that something's automatically wrong and MARY-SUEISH about "pretty" females, aren't you? So what if we can have ugly, overweight, or just plain nasty guys with bad teeth winning over hot babes without going through much personality change over the course of a story to do so? If you're gonna make the bitch ugly, at least MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL by the end of the story and have it so she changes everything about herself to get the guy, duh. Goddamn. Don't take away pretty chicks from the audience, asswipe! By suggesting a non-attractive female lead who stays that way through the whole story, you're disrespecting beautiful and hot/sexy women everywhere. God, you sicken me. If you're a male and thinking of doing this, cut off your dick. If you're a female, go get a sex change and then cut off your dick you useless and pathetic self-hating sack of meat. Probably just jealous that a fictional girl is better looking than you, duh, probably why you wanna make her "ugly." Humph. How despicable. Because nothing is worse than an ugly woman.
So here are yet another set of tips on making a great and wonderful and completely attractive character.
Remember, have fun! And if you have a vagina, you're not worth anything unless males find you attractive!
A/N I'm not being serious. I'm a girl myself. This is just a bit of fun, so please don't review and be offended.