Sometimes,
moments
just

stopped

while I took the time to assess my feelings.
Did I
or
did I not
like this boy?
But then,
I remembered,
"He isn't interested in me like that.
There is nothing to suggest he would be."
So I went back to being myself,
entirely unselfconscious,
until I would stop to think about it again.
Eventually I came to terms that "Yes.
I like this boy enough that I wouldn't shun any affection
but
I'm not going to pursue the possibility.
Because,
remember,
it does not exist."
After the realization, I returned to myself again
and became entirely comfortable in his presence,
uninhibited,
to the point I barely realized I was giving off signs.
I leaned toward him at a bar while we talked
because it was crowded
and I wanted to take up as little space as possible.
I held the container of cheesecake instead of passing more than the fork over
because it just seemed easier
and he had a glass of wine in one hand.
I laid on the bed
because the patio was too cold
and it seemed too distant to choose a chair after how little space there had been before.
I crawled under the covers
because I was still cold
and it would be more comfortable.
And yet,
all this
couldn't keep me from being surprised the moment I turned onto my back and he kissed me.
At which point
my brain stopped making sense
because him kissing me didn't make sense.
"There were no signs" quickly became "I didn't notice any signs and I'm usually good at that."
I was questioning,
not just in my head,
but out loud.
Until I realized it was better to just give in and live.