|The Clumsy Knight
Author: DeviliciousDorian PM
The beautiful Princess Pearl is looking for a husband and the clumsy knight Sir Alister is determined to win her over. An ironic twist on the traditional fairy tale.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance/Fantasy - Words: 2,232 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 07-26-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3044986
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Once upon a time in a faraway (unless you live nearby) kingdom, there lived a beautiful princess by the name of Princess Pearl. When the princess announced that she was looking for a husband, the news spread throughout the kingdom like wildfire.
Every Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armor was assembled to try to win the princess's love. But amongst the conceited princes and the brash, egotistical warriors, stood a klutzy but amiable young man. He was a knight in the sense that he wore armor, but he had never even used his sword, let alone slain a dragon. Not even his shield had a scratch on it. And his timid nature and clumsiness were in no way made up for with good looks. He was average at best, but by most he was considered ugly with his disproportionate nose, ears and forehead, and lopsided grin. But he was determined and knew that if the princess would just give him a chance, she would fall in love with him.
"What are you doing here, Sir Trips-A-Lot?" scoffed a tall, muscular knight at our awkward protagonist.
"I'm here for the same reason as you are, Bob. To win the affections of Princess Pearl," he stated plainly and with a friendly, optimistic smile.
"Yeah, right. What makes you think you can beat someone like me?"
"Because, I'm nice and smart and I care," said the klutzy knight.
"But you can hardly walk, let alone run to her rescue."
"That's true. I wish you the best of luck, Bob," he said, as he turned to walk away, tripping on his first step.
"Hey! Sir Alister!" called out Prince Charles from where he sat upon his majestic white stallion. "Still learning to walk in that suit of armor I see," he smirked.
Clumsy Knight Alister just smiled as he picked himself up. "Yep."
Prince Charles frowned; he never understood why Alister never had any comebacks. It was slightly annoying the way the guy would just stand there and smile as you insulted him.
Suddenly, all the men looked up and gasped as Princess Pearl, escorted by two royal guards, rode up to them on a mystical white unicorn. As they came to a halt in front of the princes and knights, the princess shook out her flowing golden hair and flashed a blue-eyed pearly smile at her suitors. They gaped at her in astonishment, having never seen her beauty in person before.
It was one of her guards who spoke. "Princess Pearl, the most lovely and beautiful in all the land, will select one of you to be her husband. To do this, she has designed a challenge for you. The one of you that can get to the end of the journey and 'rescue' her will be her new husband. You must trek across the kingdom, towards the princess's castle, facing many obstacles as you do so. The Princess will be monitoring your progress to help her determine who is worthy of being her husband. She wishes you the best of luck. Your journey begins now!"
The second guard fired a gun in the air to signal the start of the challenge but ended up startling all of the horses. The knights and princes quickly yelled at and chased down their stallions to get them under control. But instead of yelling or running, Alister quickly grabbed the reins of his majestic brown donkey and tugged on them so he would not run. He then gently pet the donkey and whispered to it. "Don't worry, Maxwell, it'll be alright."
Maxwell the majestic donkey calmed down and let Alister ride him. A prince who had lost his horse glared at Alister. "Hey! Sir Drops-Stuff-A-Lot! How did you do that?"
"Do what?" asked Alister innocently. The prince gestured to his calm donkey. "Oh," laughed the clumsy knight, "didn't you know I'm a donkey whisperer?" The prince glared at him and then ran after his own horse.
Alister and the others who had managed to get on their horses went onward towards the princess's castle with the princess and her guards keeping up with them from a short distance. After a couple miles, they came upon their first obstacle. It appeared to be a simple bridge so the strongest knights and the handsomest princes who were at the front of the group, tried to cross it first. They were greeted by an angry troll climbing out from under the bridge and yelling at them whilst throwing rocks at them and beating them with a hammer.
"Get off my bridge! Go away!" the troll screamed.
"We have to get through! We need to win the love of the Princess Petunia!" argued one of the knights.
"Pearl," corrected the princess bitterly.
"That's what I said, Patti."
The princess scowled at him.
"I don't care about what you need! This is my bridge! Get off! Go away! I'll kill you with my hammer!" screamed the crazed troll, swinging his hammer randomly. The knights and princes at the front of the line backed off, leaving a path open for Alister. He coaxed Maxwell forward and stepped on to the bridge, causing the troll to swing his hammer wildly. "Get away!"
But Alister just smiled his goofy grin, showing off his crooked teeth and disproportionate facial features. The troll looked up and shrieked the second he saw Alister's ugly face. "Aah! It burns! So ugly! Run away!" cried the troll as he abandoned his bridge, heading for the hills.
The other men stared at Alister in shock and disbelief as he shrugged nonchalantly and crossed the bridge. The princess gave him a considering glance as the other suitors fell in line behind him and they carried on.
Soon the group approached their next obstacle; an alligator infested swamp lay in their path. The charming princes at the front of the procession gasped. "I'm afraid of alligators! They'll mess up my hair!"
"Alligators pose no threat to me! For I am a fearless, manly knight!" proclaimed a fearless, manly knight as he dismounted his horse and drew his sword. He neared the edge of the swamp. "Prepare to meet your death, alligators!" he said confidently, but as he took one step into the swamp, he was immediately torn to pieces by a dozen vicious and hungry alligators. The water turned from brownish green to red. The other men gulped in fear, that is, except for Alister.
"I can do this," he smiled to Maxwell. "Stay here, boy. I'll be fine." Everyone stared at Sir Alister the clumsy knight as he half fell off and half dismounted his donkey and walked to the water's edge. He observed his surroundings and then, as he took one step closer to the edge, he tripped over his feet and fell into the swamp. Everyone cringed as they prepared to see him viciously killed. Instead, he landed on the snout of an alligator, bounced onto the back of another one, then was thrust onto a large rock where he fell over into a low-hanging vine which swung from his momentum and carried him safely to the other side where he fell on the ground with a thud. He slowly stood up and brushed himself off whilst calling "I'm okay!" and smiling at the princess.
Once again, the others were left shocked and speechless, jaws dropped, even the princess. When the other men were either across the swamp or dead, they continued on foot; except for the princess and her guards who had gone around the alligator infested waters.
The princess brought her unicorn up to walk besides Alister. "How do you do that?" she asked.
"Do what?" he replied.
"Get through all the obstacles like that? It's like you don't even try!" exclaimed Princess Pearl.
Alister shrugged. "I dunno, I guess I just be myself."
"Keep being yourself," she smiled at him.
He smiled back. "I will." He then stumbled and fell with a loud clatter of armor. The princess giggled and rode away.
"Hey! Sir Bumps-Into-Things-A-Lot!" jeered one of the remaining manly tough knights as Alister picked himself up off the ground.
"Yes?" he asked.
The knight pushed Alister over and sneered at him. "What do you think you're doing talking to Princess Peach?"
"I have done no such thing. I don't even know a Princess Peach," replied Alister coolly.
"You know what I mean! What makes you think you can win her? She'd never pick you!" growled the knight.
"You never know, Don, she just might," said Alister, getting up off the ground and marching onward as proudly and gracefully as he could in his clunky, awkward, suit of armor.
The others looked on with incredulous gazes. "What a weirdo."
After many long hours of walking, the suitors came to their final obstacle. Standing in between them and the royal castle was a formidable stone wall with a gate. The fast and strong princes and knights at the front of the group immediately tried to open the gate. "It won't open!" they cried in despair.
"Then we'll have to climb over it!" proclaimed a knight who ran to the wall and proceeded to attempt to scale it.
"No! We have to dig under it!" declared a prince as he ran to the base of the wall and started furiously digging with his bare hands.
"I say we have to knock it down!" said one of the knights who put on his helmet and started ramming head-first into the wall.
Alister stood back and watched them scramble around like trapped mice trying to find their way past the wall. He calmly stumbled up to the gate and looked at the lock. It had a key hole. "Ah-ha," he said to himself. He looked under his feet and saw he was standing upon a welcome mat; the only logical place to keep a spare key. Sure enough, when he lifted the mat, he found a shiny silver key. He picked it up and quickly unlocked the gate and stepped through.
"Hey!" gasped a prince. "Sir Constantly-Falls-Off-His-Donkey-A-Lot opened the gate!"
The other suitors looked up and immediately made a run for the open gate. Princess Pearl was waiting for them on the other side. As he made his way over to her, Alister stopped to pick some of the wildflowers growing in the meadow around the castle. Realizing it was a good idea, the men on his tail quickly followed suit but they instantly crushed the flowers in their strong man-hands. Meanwhile, Alister, wimpy as he was, carried the flowers gently to the princess without tripping even once.
He gracefully handed her the flowers and bowed humbly. "Your highness," he said softly.
"Tell me, noble Sir Knight, what is your name?" asked Princess Pearl.
"Sir Alister, Your highness, at your service."
"Sir Alister, you have come very far to get here. I must admit I am impressed. I never thought you would make it past the first mile let alone make it all the way to the end. Your gentle nature, kind heart, and cleverness got you very far. No one thought you could do it, but you defied all odds and you made it," she commended him.
Alister blushed. "Thank you, Your highness. To be honest, when I started this journey I didn't think I could do it either. All my life everyone has made fun of me because I'm clumsy and ugly and wimpy, but I'm glad you can see that I'm actually a really sweet, caring, and smart guy. Now I can see that too. You taught me that I'm perfect just the way I am and now I'm proud to be me! I would be honored, Princess Pearl, to be your husband."
At this, the princess stared at him blankly for a second and then burst out in laughter. The clumsy knight's brow furrowed in confusion. "My husband?" she snorted. "I said I was proud of you, not that I wanted to marry you!"
"But… but…" stuttered Alister. "I thought this was a contest to find your future husband! I thought the winner got to marry you! That was the whole point!"
"Yes, but I didn't think the winner would be some pathetic, wimpy, ugly, uncoordinated, loser like you!"
"But… I'm smart and sweet and kind! You said it yourself!" he stammered.
"All true, but I'm not looking for an ugly weak smart guy with good intentions! I want a manly, handsome, stupid guy, like those ones!" She pointed in the direction of the prince charmings and knights in shining armor who had followed Alister through the gate. They were all smirking at him with cruel satisfaction.
"Ha-ha! Sir Will-Be-Alone-For-The-Rest-Of-His-Life-A-Lot got turned down!"
"You just got rejected!" They taunted him.
Sir Alister the clumsy knight sighed dejectedly and walked clumsily away, all of his new-found confidence lost and his dreams crushed. Women never wanted a clumsy knight to come to their rescue, only a knight in shining armor.