When You're Not Here…

I'm not normal. I think you know that already though.

We spend so much time apart, it's crazy how I think about you all the time. The nine months we spent together-we only saw each other once, maybe twice a week, and not even including your vacation times since you would go back home then and I would not see you-were the most peaceful and happy times I have. And I'm grateful to finally have met you.

I got to know you through the internet and texting.

Before we actually met in person, I would DREAM of being with you...how kind you are, how hard your hugs would be, how soft your kisses would be like...I'm crazy, I know.

But I love you, so that makes it okay. (insert smile here)

When we met, I got to experience all the things I dreamt about, but nothing is perfect in life and everything had to end so quickly. I'm sorry for all the trouble I gave you during those few months, and I'm sorry that I can't let you go.

Since we separated, your kisses and touch would haunt me everyday like a ghost. I try to always remember your smile, the blue of your eyes, the softness of your skin, and the tickling feeling of your hair.

I know that you still love me, and that everything-word-you say, every suggestion you have- you mean with kindness and good for me. But I can't possibly accept that.

I can't love or date another guy if my heart left me and followed you to wherever you go.

Sometimes your kindness is too big, and it pisses me off because I don't want anyone else but you...

But I know you have this thing...because I'm the one who knows you best.

I know that you don't like being jealous.

I know that you're thinking the best for me.

I know that you think that I can do better than you, that I would prefer some other guy-who in your thoughts is much better suited for me and a better person in general. (insert start of tears here)

But that just makes me cry.

Shouldn't I have a say? Can't I tell you that YOU are the one?

The one I've dreamt my dreams with-and how I'm willing to put my own dreams on pause so that I can help you achieve your own dreams...because this is one of my only ways to say thanks and give back all the happiness you've ever given to me just by your mere existence. Because you deserve happiness.

You're the one that I see in my day dreams when I'm not paying attention to class (or life). The one that's in my dream house, welcoming me home.

You're the one I see a future with two, cute, adopted twins and a bunch of pets and maybe even one real-our own-kid just because, maybe it was an accident, but we'll never tell him/her that...You are the one I see surrounded by all that happiness, all those kids and pets running around you because you are the best guy ever. And I know you'll accept everything I throw at you because you love me...and I take advantage of that.

But I also know...

You're the one most scared of marriage.

You're the one terrified of having children-even adopted ones that we would love like they're our own- because you don't think you'd be a good father...but I disagree whole-heartedly.

You're the one who might leave me and not the other way around because I'm such an idiot, and you deserve a girl who understand you more and lets you have the life you wanted without her.

You're the one...who doesn't want to give yourself-your heart-away because you're afraid I'll hurt and leave you forever-for someone else-...even though I've almost already taken your everything.

I'm sorry, love, but I can't leave you.

I can't let you go...

I can't have you for just a friend.

You...

I want you. Yes, you, to always be my best friend-my lover-my soulmate, my everything, forever.

And I know I'm not just a little bit selfish, and I know I'm a lot more possessive...but you also knew before you got in this relationship with me, didn't you?

We have so much in common in life, but we are so different. And I just wanted to say...

I love everything about you.

Your awkwardness, your perviness, your shyness, your anti-social, loner-ness, every little quirk, everything...

I wanna kiss all your troubles away when you're down. I wanna hug you tightly when you're feeling pessimistic. I want to be there when you [don't] want to be alone..

I want you happy [too, but it'd make me even happier if it was with me].

I want you to LOVE life.

I don't know if I can help, but I'm willing to try.

I don't want to have the same mistakes as everyone else around us...I want us to be happy.

No, this-our situation-isn't something like their situation at all...because we will get over this, like everything else in our complicated love life.

I just want you [by my side, forever].

I want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy with me.

And, yeah, I know this is silly.

I know that I'm silly. (insert sad smile here)

But, hey, it-us-has been working for...five summers now.

And I-my heart-don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

Even if you ARE a 1003.05 miles away.

Happy five summers anniversary, love. (:

So, both my boyfriend and I have a bad sense of time so we can't remember dates or anything but each other's birthdays and maybe a few holidays, so we remember how long we've known each other through the number of summers. But in reality, I think this would be our first summer to be actually together as in a relationship. Before this he was jsut my best friend, but we did confess to each other like 3 years ago, it's just that...we thought long distance relationships are kind of harsh, yknow? But once you taste the real thing, you cant really back down from wanting more of it-like nutella-that's why I wrote this.

P.S. so that you guys know, my boyfriend hates sad stuff like this-like I gave him a really sappy and cute love letter once and he couldnt finish-like he stopped way in the beginning-so I'll probably never show him this letter. :P. I told him about it, though and fyi, he said thanks. ^^. I really only wanted to make a letter for our 5 summer years already :D. So i don't forget all our troubles and smiles ^^.