|The Vampire's Self Help Guide
Author: Poisoned-Nightshade PM
Something I wrote for fun a long time ago.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Supernatural - Words: 772 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 08-05-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3048086
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hello there, my name is Dr. Byte Mi.
I have decided to write this little booklet to help new vampires such as yourself with the Ways of the Vampire.
Below are some very easy rules to follow and hopefully keep you from being staked on your first day as a vampire.
If not, then well you're an idiot and your Sire should have known that.
But was obviously too busy sucking more then just your blood.
If I haven't offended you yet, then great! Keep reading… you poor clueless bastard.
Rules: Follow these and you should stay alive until tomorrow.
Rule # 1: Vampires are called Children of the Night, Bloodsuckers and well Vampires.
Try not to call them Fiends, Dracula wannabe's or Vamps.
Doing so will automatically get you killed or have a very dangerous object flung at your head.
Rule # 2: Werewolves are a Vampires sworn enemy. Do NOT get caught befriending one of these creatures unless you want a repeat of Rule # 1 because you called someone Dracula's bitch.
Rule # 3: Never, ever drink the nice little bottle of water someone wearing a Cross hands you.
Its HOLY water you idiot!
If you drank it, then… well… you're an idiot and should have never been turned.
I'm amazed you've survived this long, after having a pair of hedge clippers thrown at you, being bit on the ass by the neighbor's dog because you mistook it for a werewolf and nearly poisoned by the Christians.
Rule # 4: Go back to your Sire and demand he TEACH you better rules.
And when he refuses offer him a nice little bottle of water you received from the Christians.
Rule # 5: Run like Hell because your Sire has a short fuse and collects medieval weapons.
Rule # 6: Try to distract your Sire with the nice young virgin living in his parent's basement.
Rule # 7: Start praying to God your Sire doesn't find you hiding in an alley way with a steadily growing wet spot on the front of your jeans.
Rule # 8: Move out of town.
If you successfully followed at least a few of these rules, you should only have escaped with a few minor injuries and should be living in a nice safe crypt in the cemetery of your new town.
Now, in my personal experience as a Vampire, I've learned the best way to survive is to…
Join a Coven, because let's face it if you're reading this book you are way too pathetic and dumb to start your own Coven or even become a Harem Master.
Joining a Coven 101: The Basics.
First off, go find a Vampire. Preferably not one that's wearing way too much body-glitter and whining about being a "monster".
Second, make sure he/she is IN a Coven.
Trust me you do not want to get tricked into joining a reverse Harem ruled by a Powerful Femme Vampire.
Bad things happen in reverse Harems, believe me…
Now that you've found a nice friendly Vampire and not your Sire disguised as such to try and trick you, you can now ask them to welcome you into their Coven.
Idea # 1: Give them an offering of some sort so they'll allow you into their Coven.
Idea: # 2: Claim to be from a Royal family (They'll instantly know you're not, but it might work if they're really dumb… like you)
Idea # 3: Get some face make-up, apply it all over yourself to look marble white, spray body-glitter all over you body. Adopt the ability to be very angst and emo then complain that you have the skin of a "killer".
(Note: That won't get you into a Coven, just a severe beating from Vampires and was purely for my amusement)
Idea # 4: Become the Coven Master's love-slave (if you're a guy this may not be easy or remotely possible unless he is gay. So just try becoming an actual slave)
If any of those failed you, you're either brain-dead or really, really stupid
(you poor helpless, brain-dead idiot)
Ok, so you failed at being welcomed into a Coven where you at least have half a chance of survival.
But instead you have been forced to move back to your crypt in the cemetery, with no one for company except dead buried people and rats.
The only thing left to do now is wait for the end of time, or kill yourself.
And with that I leave you, enjoy the rest of your slow miserable life as a Vampire and good luck!
Signed your friend, Dr. Byte Mi