I had often thought in the back of my head that, well nothing. I seem to get caught in the middle of thought, as if I had something wrapped around my cortex.

This isn't the case.

When I was a child, I saw a water door, or so I thought I did. My father told me I was delusional, borderline insane even. This caused me to push the thoughts away, what I had seen, how it changed me.

I didn't just see the door, I went through it, I kind of tripped, but that's another story for another time. What I saw was….baffling, utterly atrocious, I thought I was dreaming….I wasn't.

M Dad often tells me I'm a burden to him, I think sometimes, why was I born, was I wanted? I've become self meditated, my self esteem has driven downwards.

I'm usually alone when I find myself spacing out. When I focus, I find it hard not to step outside this realm of spiritual corruption. The door is always there, it taunts me, and usually I'm scared to walk through it, or even look at it, like it has an eye that can see my behind my back.

The farthest I've been into the door is down the red mossy hill into this light, a light so white it could have blinded me, yet it was a warm sensation, like I had belonged in this aura.

Today though, ah…today, I went through the door to the aura again. The warmth made me lay by this light, for several minutes I was euphoric, sedated even, I saw a hand, reach from this wall of light, I stuttered, but I soon felt its aura.

Its guiding hand pulled me through the light; everything was bright, like I had been born again, my vision was very hazy, I still felt warm, but it was as if I needed to come here, like it was destined to happen.

I was accompanied by a beautiful woman, her slender bright figure mustering my census of persona. Strangling my grip on reality and thought psychopathic dementia, I knew this couldn't be some thought or even a hallucination, I was actively being held by a woman from the light dimension. I knew this because I heard something murmur this, I could move my head, but it would do me no good. My path ahead was the woman and my light.

She seemed to say something while I was walking behind her, gripping her hand, it flowed out of her mouth and seemed to go straight into my head, like she was talking from a-far but directly to m. I thought that maybe I was having a dream and very lucid dream, she seemed to have heard it and responded with two words, "loneliness is from with-in, friendship and love are also from with-in".

At first I wasn't thinking of myself, but I quickly had a tear rolling down my face, as I couldn't bear this loneliness any longer. My heart started to well up, I couldn't go on carrying around this guilt of self hatred, loneliness and low self esteem, the woman had turned around for no reason, as I quickly fell into her bosom as my heart was aching its own song of agony and regret.

A dark light started to shed from my body, as more and more came out through my mouth and nose, I felt better and progressively better, soon I felt like I could love anything for no reason, my mind had been cleared of fog and regret, my heart hadn't ached of this forlorn loneliness that I possessed entirely out of self hate. The woman kissed me on the lips and stared into my eyes, I heard, "it feels like this, love." But I didn't hear or see her mouth move.

The black filth that left my body came back to me…but it wasn't black, it was white, and when it entered me it had reversed my previous feelings for general life. I had corrupted my emotions and turned them into haze. I didn't feel sick for it, I felt glad I had a better understanding for myself. I remember the woman kneeling, picking a yellow flower, I smiled, I felt like I had connected with her, my ego had been replaced with passion, dancing with fire.