To The Girl Who Died Yesterday,

Hi…

Um, yeah. Don't really know how to say this. Don't even know why I'm writing it. But here it goes.

The first time I saw you was when I was fifteen and in the tenth grade. You were wearing a yellow dress in the middle of winter so that made me think that you must be crazy. I don't know fashion (what self respecting teenage boy does?), I can't pretend I do, but according to my friend Jen, you were wearing a spring dress. I thought that was…nice? I don't know; it made you different I guess, made you stand out, made me take notice. You were like a little ray of sunshine in a drab winter world.

Right now is about time that I admit to practically stalking you for two years. Sorry about that. For two years I sat in the entry way of the school each morning just so I could get a glimpse of you. Every morning. You never noticed, but I didn't mind… no really, I didn't. I've always kind of been off the radar of most; I'm not like you were, I've never stood out in my life. I always looked for you in the hallways, listened for your laugh, tried to make out your voice. Wow, I sound like a total creep, don't I?

But you were so interesting. You came from Virginia which set you apart immediately, but it was more than that. You were the girl who wore a sundress in the middle of winter. You were the girl who always smiled warmly and was in so many activities I used to wonder when you had time to breathe. Everyone in the entire school loved you for unfathomable reasons and not a single person had anything bad to say about you. You were smart and witty and I'd hear you talking to your friends and I've got to say that you were hilarious. And let's not forget the fact that you were impossibly beautiful. You were so perfect that it seemed impossible that someone like you could even exist, much less go to the same school as me.

So… Did you know how much I wish I'd talked to you? Every day I saw you and I imagined the many ways I'd say hello. Maybe we'd talk about books we liked (you always had a book in hand and I really like that about you). I'd often psych myself up to go up to you just to say hello, but then I'd always lose my nerve. Always.

My friends teased me mercilessly for it. Jen used to ask me every morning why I risked going to class late each day to see a girl I'd said nothing to. To be honest, I don't know the answer to a question I've asked a dozen times. You just had that kind of personality that had people gravitate to you. Back to my friends. At lunch, they'd look at me staring and they'd laugh at how stupid I was. They'd ask, "When are you going to talk to her?" I'd always just respond with a "Someday."

Up to date, the only interaction we've ever had was two days ago. You were reading one of your many books while walking down the hall. Kind of a hazard if you ask me. At the same time, I was walking down the same hall with my eyes glued to my feet. Also a hazard I guess. It's not all that surprising that we collided with each other. You got up, brushed off your legs and smiled at me for the first time. I think all the air in my lungs disappeared with your smile lines. "I'm so sorry, are you okay?" you said. My throat had closed up by then and well… I sort of made a fool of myself just sitting there in shock with my mouth hanging open like an idiot, but I eventually was able to nod. You were nice about it though (my stupidity), and walked away with another smile and an "I'm glad."

That was the last time I saw you. Our first interaction being our last. I spent all of yesterday thinking up ways to finally talk to you, maybe even using the incident in the halls as an icebreaker. I didn't look for you; I didn't wait in the entry like I always did. I was waiting for today. For the first time in two years, I was ready to finally go up to you say something. Anything. I'd already made myself look like an idiot, what was there to lose? I walked into school this morning completely and totally ready.

But you weren't there. Not as I sat in my familiar seat in the entry. You didn't come. At first I thought you might be sick, but I guess you weren't sick. I learned in first period today that you were gone. I learned in first period today that I'd never be getting my chance to talk to you. I learned that sometimes opportunities slip through our fingers and I had a million chances to talk to you. I just always thought I'd have tomorrow to do it.

Is it strange that I've begun to miss you? I never even talked to you; you didn't even know my name. But… the halls feel a bit empty without you in them. Like that ray of sunshine you brought is no longer there and winter has come back with a vengeance.

I can't stop thinking about you. I think about what we could have been if I'd just bucked up the courage and talked to you two years ago when I first saw you in that bright yellow dress. I can't stop wondering if anything would have happened if I'd actually said a thing. It's the mystery that's haunting me and will probably haunt me for a long time.

I guess "someday" doesn't always happen.

Sincerely,

The Boy Who Never Talked To You But Should Have