SCENE 2

Morning in Washington DC. The front yard of the White House. A throne, apparently incrusted with ivory and jewels, is seen standing at the left side of the scene.

Enter Obumer.

Obumer

The sun shines brightly over the Free World, embracing all democracy-loving people. The golden disk blazing in its zenith is truly an outstanding sight. This sight inspires poetry; it launches philosophic ponderings. So much symbolism it has, such associations.

(Obumer raises his head with the intent of facing the sun)

It drives away the shadows of the night. It makes our paths clear before our eyes. Indeed, so many associations it brings; the torch of freedom is one example. And it seems they have no end; each aspect of this phenomenon is an allusion. The sun shines as brightly as my Nobel Peace Prize, the warmth of its rays as authentic as my birth certificate. Truly, there are things to think about…as bright as my prize…as authentic as my certificate…I wonder…

(Obumer rubs his chin in thoughts and then jumps in excitement)

I see it now! Oh, holy revelation!

(Turns to the audience)

The sun is like Obumer!

Enter Assistant.

Assistant

Greetings, Mister President, I presume you are ready to start your work day.

Obumer

Ah yes, my work. I am ready as always.

Obumer goes to his throne and sits down on it.

Obumer

Now what is my first duty for today?

Assistant

Give audience to those who seek it.

Obumer

Very well then. Tell them I'm ready.

Assistant

Yes, Mister President.

Exit Assistant.

Enter Bildt.

Bildt

Your glory and your wisdom have spread across the world, and those in need can sacrifice so much for one mere counsel. Give audience to me, oh Great Obumer!

Bildt drops to his knees before Obumer.

Obumer

Obumer listens. What do you seek?

Enter Harper.

Harper

A hundred problems plague my being. They tear my chest with their talons so viciously that I feel as if I am the titan Prometheus and they are the tormenting eagle.

Obumer

What is he actually talking about?

Harper drops to his knees beside Bildt.

Obumer

This is going to be a busy morning.

Enter Emir of Qatar.

Emir

Behold! I swim in oil, I own the most expensive cars, no beauty can resist a place among my harem. Still, there are things that make even a sheikh leave the great halls of his marble palace and walk this path like a pilgrim. Don't be surprised! I'm just a sheikh…

(Falls to his knees and raises his hands upwards)

…and what is a mere sheikh before the great Obumer?!

Obumer

There are more of you than I expected, yet this is not a setback for Obumer. I share my precious knowledge with everyone who yearns it; no soul will be abandoned by Obumer…

Enter Assistant.

Assistant

Mister President, it's lunchtime.

Obumer

Lunchtime? So soon? Time really flies fast for those who work hard.

Assistant

What would you like for today's meal?

Obumer

I'll go with oysters, olives, the most exquisite cheese, and don't forget the wide range of side dishes. And wine too.

Assistant

I'll notify the catering staff. The meal will be ready in a few minutes.

Exit Assistant.

Obumer

Finally, a well-deserved break.

(Turns to Harper, Bildt, and the Emir of Qatar)

My gentle friends, I leave you on your own for now. Obumer needs to ponder on the problems that distress you and try to solve some of the riddles of the universe at the same time. So meditate! Though I will not be here, in thoughts you'll feel the presence of Obumer.

Exit Obumer.

Bildt, Harper, and the Emir of Qatar start praying and meditating.

Bildt

Oh Great Obumer, thank you for this day, but more so—for the chance to kneel before your throne.

Harper

My words fly up but thoughts remain below, where else but to Obumer could I go?

Emir

I do not pray to gods; I pray to you, Obumer!

Enter Scameron, Vague, and Sarko, carrying sleeping bags.

Sarko

Remind me again why we're carrying sleeping bags?

Vague

Allow me, Dave.

(Turns to Sarko)

The international community is broke, and we are all in this together!

Sarko

Can't we at least…

Scameron

Stop complaining! Or better yet, remind me why you decided to tag along?

Sarko

A rationalist by nature, I want to find out whether these tales are true. I want to see this Oracle, this Obama.

Vague

Obumer.

(Looks around)

We're finally here!

Vague puts his sleeping bag on the ground; Scameron and Sarko do the same. The trio notices the meditating politicians.

Sarko

What is up with those people?

Scameron

I think the circus is in town. I saw a flyer on our way here.

Vague

A circus?! Can we stay and watch, Dave?

Scameron

Sure, why not. It looks like the Oracle is not here this moment.

The three sit down and watch the other group.

Vague

What kind of act is this, Dave?

Scameron

I think they're clowns.

Sarko

Then why are they not funny?

Scameron

Because they're sad clowns?

Vague

I don't think so, Dave. I believe they're circus animals.

Scameron

Then why isn't anybody attending them?

Vague

Maybe they've run away and are now lost? The poor critters…

Scameron

(Humming)

Can you guess what I'm thinking about now?

Vague

No, Dave. Nobody can guess what's in that head of yours.

Scameron

If we recapture them, we will get a reward from the administration of this circus. We'll use the cash to decrease the budget deficit! Quickly, pass me the net!

Vague

What net?

Scameron

No net? Doesn't matter. I'll just have to wrestle them. Give me a hand, Vague.

Sarko

Do you see any hooves, horns, or tails? Relax, there are no animals around.

Vague

Then what sort of circus act is this?

Sarko

I do not know. A freak show?

Enter Obumer.

Scameron

I assume that's the ringmaster.

Obumer

That was a splendid lunch. Now it's time for my afternoon rest.

(Throws a glance at the meditating trio)

But first thing's first, I have all but forgotten about these guys.

(Addresses them)

Distance separated us, but you were with me in thoughts. I've read your queries as if they were three chapters in a manuscript. Now listen to what I am about to say. Such problems are not solved on the spot. Go home for now, but follow these instructions: just wait and have faith in Obumer. When the time comes, I'll send an omen and you will understand the answer on your own. Now go.

Bildt, Harper, and the Emir of Qatar (in unison)

We thank the great Obumer!

Exit Bildt, Harper, the Emir of Qatar, crawling away on their knees.

Obumer once again sits down on his throne.

Scameron

(To Vague and Sarko)

Did you see that?!

Sarko

Oui.

Vague

Indeed. That's the Oracle!

Scameron

With one mere gesture and just several words…such power!

Obumer

(Notices them)

More visitors? Who are you? What do you seek?

Vague

(Whispering)

He grants us audience. Should we get down on our knees like the previous lot?

Scameron

Get down on our knees? Have dignity, Vague! Don't forget that you're a Tory. We Tories only bow down before our rich sponsors.

Sarko

To kneel? Ha! A true Frenchman would never kneel before a foreigner…unless fair France is under foreign occupation.

Scameron

We've come from distant lands with the intention of getting advice from you, Oracle. Rumors say that you know all.

Obumer

I'm flattered.

Vague

The Oracle has given us a compliment! We must from now on celebrate this day each year like a national holiday.

Sarko

(To Vague)

Stay rational. We don't know if these stories are true.

(To Scameron)

We need to test him.

Scameron

But first prove to us that you are truly all-knowing: answer an unrelated question.

Obumer

If I must. Ask me.

Scameron

What is the proper way to end world hunger?

Obumer

The answer is easy. People all over the world should just eat more.

Vague

And—

Obumer

By drinking clean water.

Scameron and Vague open their mouths in astonishment.

Sarko

I can't believe it.

Vague

It's certain now. These tales are true. Your providence sees no boundaries.

Scameron

Answer our question, great Oracle, and you can be sure that we will never diverge from your truthful guidance.

Sarko

This can't be possible

(Starts gesticulating wildly)

Bonjour, messieurs?! Those aren't real answers! You cannot dive into the ocean deeps by walking down the coast!

(Sarko's charades allude to scuba diving and hiking)

Were you even paying attention? Are you naïve or are you in a trance?

(More thematic charades from Sarko)

He made a statement! He did not give suggestions! These are just fancy words that live by his charisma. But what will be left if you separate the two?!

Scameron and Vague turn to Sarko and then Obumer in confusion.

Obumer

You still aren't convinced? Well, I don't blame you. Not all can comprehend the wisdom of Obumer.

Scameron

He makes a good point, Sarko.

Sarko

(Gazes upwards)

Oh, common sense, why have you abandoned politicians?!

Obumer

You see? But I am ready to present documentation to chase out all doubts.

Vague

What documentation?

Obumer

My Oracle Certificate. Behold.

Obumer withdraws the certificate from the inside pocket of his suit and hands it to Scameron. Vague and Sarko congregate around Scameron. All three look at the certificate.

Obumer

I must confess this is the first time I have to present it as proof. My word alone used to be enough. Oh well, times change.

Scameron

See, Sarko? Here's all the proof you need. This document even bears the name of the issuing authority. It was issued in the city of Honolulu of sunny Kawaii.

Vague

Ah, Dave?

Scameron

What is it?

Vague

The name of the islands is "Hawaii". "Kawaii" is a Japanese word.

Moment of dumb silence.

Scameron

Wait one second. Something smells fishy, and it's definitely not the fish sold on the markets of Honolulu. Let me have another look.

(Checks the certificate again)

And where is the stamp of the issuing authority?! It's absent!

Vague

But how can this be?

Scameron

This certificate is a forgery!

Vague and Sarko sigh in horror.

Vague

Oh my!

Sarko

The king is naked!

Scameron

That's low.

(Throws the certificate aside)

Who do you take us for?! You are no Oracle, no a Sage, no Guru…

Obumer

It's not what you think! Don't you see?

(His hands begin to shake)

We are being manipulated…a conspiracy! Some villain broke into my house, destroyed the original, and planted this fake. It is a conspiracy…a plot against the state...not just the state….it's a poisoned arrow aimed at the heart of the Free World as a whole…the beating heart that is Obumer!

(Starts frantically walking in circles)

It's Ahmadinejad! No, it's Assad! No wait, they've joined forces! It's a shared crime; they both are culprits! Oh, how abominable is their villainous deed! They seek to break the spirit of all freedom-loving people by aiming at its source…the source that is Obumer!

Another moment of dumb silence.

Obumer

You believe me, don't you?

Scameron

I came here to consult the Oracle, but you're no Oracle. You're a hack! Let's go, gentlemen. There's nothing keeping us here. Vague, get my sleeping bag!

Obumer

No, wait!

Exit Scameron.

Exit Sarko with his sleeping bag.

Vague

(Sobbing)

How could you?! I believed in you!

Exit Vague, dragging the two sleeping bags away.

Exit Obumer.