9.28.12

Lydia can't remember the last time she spoke. In fact, she isn't quite sure if she still can. Does your voice leave you if you don't use it? She doesn't try to find out.

She is a creature of habit. It makes things easier for her. At the grocery store (Thursdays at 2), she is able to find items on her list quickly and easily, and is she can't, all she has to do is show her list to Thomas, the owner, and point, and he will show her where it is. Julie, the old lady who has worked well past the age of retirement and is still going strong, scans Lydia's items, smiles at her, and talks enough for both of them.

Once, at the Laundromat (Mondays at 9), Lydia has trouble with another customer there, but the boss knows Lydia well, and the situation was quickly resolved. Lydia's muteness no longer causes her trouble, and she has no problem avoiding the people in her life who do.

As a little girl, Lydia thinks she remembers, she had a voice. A beautiful one even. She recalls singing along to her favourite music in her room, talking to friends, laughing. Then she stopped. She can't remember when; she just remembers Speaking and Not Speaking.

Sometimes, Lydia spends an afternoon watching friends talk to each other, and interact. She looks up videos online of actors in her favourite show. They are always beautiful and charismatic, laughing and joking with costars and interviewers. Lydia's stomach begins to hurt after a video or two. She does not watch the videos often.

In her dreams Lydia has friends. She spends time with them, and likes them. In her nightmares Lydia's life is just as it is now. Thankfully, Lydia does not sleep much.

Lydia hurts. She can't even pretend she doesn't anymore. The knife twisting in her gut is beginning to leave scars on her body, and she argues with herself silently whether she should show the scars or not. She buys a necklace with a dagger hanging from it and gets a biohazard symbol tattooed on her, and does not show her scars. The night she decides this, she cries herself to sleep.

Sometimes she yearns for a friend. Just one. But she is not sure she could talk to them, and she is sure no one could like her anymore. Long ago maybe, but not now.

Lydia buys a cat, and devotes herself to complying with the stereotype of a crazy cat lady. She does not know if she succeeds.

Some time later, the sound of the cat leads Lydia's neighbours to Lydia's body, broken and empty. The cat dies two days later.