|How to start your own religion
Author: Buddhist Warrior PM
Want to create your own ntrolling the masses is easy.However,with the recent rise of freethought and new religious movement,new charlatans...um prophets have their work cut out for them.That's why this essay will teach you how to rise from dope to pope.(If you are religious or a fan of Chuck Norris,do not read.)Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 499 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 10-05-12 - id: 3063222
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Want glory and fame? Want to have money and women thrown at you? Then you should start your own religion to enslave the masses and get them to do what You want. Founding a religion is easy, because people are just so gullible and will even break-off ties to friends and families to follow You and your holy inspired Word.
However, with the recent rise in "freethought" and new religions, you've got competition. You will have to break down people's resistance( i.e reason and logic.) and convince them you are the true Savior/Prophet/Enlightened One/etc.
But not to worry because people do it all the time. Follow this step-by-step guide and people will be creating mobs to behead people for naming a teddy bear after you.
Step One-Have your Word revealed
Okay, you've decided to start your own cult... um, I mean new religious movement. First, you will need to have your Divine Word revealed to you. Try to tell people you have been having strange dreams before you begin to write your "Holy" Bible/Sutra/Whatever the Hell You Want to Call It. People will most likely believe you've been having these dreams( because, come on, why would you lie?) and this will add credibility to your claim. Also, research different religions to get some ideas and concepts.
What happens next is the hard part. Deciding what your religion will be. Jesus was baptized, went out to the desert, praying and fasting, and came back proclaiming his new religion. Buddha ran away from home and lived the life of an ascetic for a few years, fasting and probably praying before obtaining enlightenment and going back to proclaim his new religion. Muhammad PBUH( there, are you happy, I added the Peace Be Upon Him slogan?) went into a cave, praying and fasting before receiving the Koran.( noticing any similarities?)
You should go out and be an ascetic, pilgrim, etc. for a few months before you reveal your holy book. Pretend that God/Allah/Vishnu/Chuck Norris sent you a dream/vision/sexual fantasy to go to some secluded forest, cave, etc. to fast and pray. Stay there for awhile. You should spend your time writing your new "in$pired" holy book. Having read religious books will work to your advantage as it'll give you new ideas and concepts to rip off of( oops, Freudian slip.) for example, several of the Buddha's teachings and concepts came from early Hinduism. Jesus got his mojo from the Jews. Muhammad ripped off of Christianity and Judaism. And Bahá'u'lláh ripped off of all of them.
Now, after your Revelation/ Enlightenment/ Conversion go back to your friends and family and tell them of your new revelation. Tell them that God/ Buddha/ Vishnu or Shiva/ Chuck Norris has given you a task. Tell them the new gospel and spread your teachings through your neighborhood.
Then you're ready for step two.