|Conversation with myself
Author: Brook18 PM
I wrote this cause this is what is going on in my head. It's the darkness against the light. This is the darkness telling the the light to be better. Telling some basic rules. It's pretty dark so be warned I hope you enjoy it any way :)Rated: Fiction T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,836 - Reviews: 2 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 10-06-12 - Published: 10-05-12 - id: 3063342
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Writer's note; Other than the previous chapter this one contains the thoughts of both the light and darkside. The light side is (ironically) bold.
00:30 I stopped wearing Belle's neclace and all of a sudden the darkness took over again. She'd wanna know.
Don't be silly, you said it yourself; you feel lighter without it. Liek something was lifted of your shoulders. Besides, the darkness didn't take over, the stronger half of you did cause the weak part obvisouly couldn't handle things properly anymore.
She said it as well, she also couldn't handle it and she probably doesn't even care. Nor does Rixt by the looks of it and what she wrote in the notebook.
Belle loves me. Rixt cares. Why else would she have wanted to talk and understand?
You're an interesting test subject. Your weakness fascinates her, makes her curious and wanting to understand. It's the science part she cares about. And Belle cares about the psychology behind it.
Good, you've realised I'm right. You're a fast learner, this might acutally work.I know this is difficult or you. You feel like you're at war with me like there are two people inseide you. But really I'm just a manifestation of you. I've allways been and will alway be in the back of your mind. I can't take the front but I can help you be better, a better and stonger front. Please don't fight me, I'm only trying to help.
9:00 I still don't know if I'm bisexual or not, my feelings are all so confusing to me.
Don't be silly, you're only reflecting because you're obsessed with Belle. You've always liked guys, just look at your trackrecord of crushes. You only fancy her cause she loves you and you know no guy ever will, at least not while you look like this. Just give it some time, loose more weight. I wanna be able to see those ribs. Then maybe Kevin will like you and you'll laugh about this confusion when you look back on it.
9:45 Btw, smart move dumbass, you finding out I'm right just after telling your mentor how bad you're doing. Ah well, all we can do now is damage control, at least you finally realised. Same goes for Belle and Rixt, damage control. You need to sit with them at unch else they'll get suspicious. Just act chipper, not too much though. I know acting isn't your strong point, especially not when it comes to Belle, just try to get some of that old fibe back, cause you used to be brilliant at it.
11:15 I'm proud of you. You kept up pretence. You did good, let's see if we can keep that going during the next break. After that you can relax and enjoy your weekend. Btw, also good going with the not eating.
I now carry 3 knives with me. Only one of which is sharp enough to actually puncture my skin. One is all rusty and the Athame was never sharp enough to begin with. It's good, you were right, cutting only shows my strength, I need to be stronger.
12:00 You've been doing good with the Belle "crush" as well. No more fantasizing about kissing her. It's been platatonic (exept for the hugs that is). Maybe you've finally realised it won't work out. Almost as if you've been upset with her. She was willing to kiss Ylona and not you, that must sting. Then again she does like Ylona in that way and not you. Face it, it will never happen. Maybe you should ask Kevin out. Yeah, right, like you have the nerve to do so. It's not like he'd say yes anyway. But don't worry, He might after you've lost more weight.
13:30 I stayed so I could give her the notebook and act chipper again, but she was already gone! I would've liked a hug before the weekend started, or atleast a good bye.
Don't you see? This is a good thing. You can rehabilitate from her, use the weekend to get used to the distance, emotionally and physically. From now on no more giving anyone the notebook. Create space, she also wanted that after all. When this notebook is full then you have my permission to take the other one anywhere again and only so you can talk to me.
I get something now; You are the one that make the homework cause you strive to be better, to be smarter, you strive for perfection. And we won't accomplish that if we don't do our school work. I should let you take the lead more often. So we can be better.
That look of victory and evil on your face scares me. I do like how hollow your cheeks are.
14:30 You idiot! You should've flirted when those guys called you name. Looked back flirtatious and tempting. I know you suck at that but you can atleast try, else you'll never get better. Maybe you can practice on Kevin. He's nice. Just don't make a complete fool of yourself.
21:30 Really?! Seriously?! Chocolat?! How stupid could you be! Now you're going to have to do 100 sit ups and put atleast 10 scratches on your fat. If you'd put in more effort at practice I might've forgiven you but you were lazy, unefficient and you tried to get out of it. You did get a compliment I'll give you that one but if you want more of those you're going to have to do better.
You need to take better care of yourself; Brush your teeth every day, do sit ups, use facecreme, out on and take of your make-up, dress nice (as nice as possible) and don't eat snacks. Make sure you look your best.
I'm only doing this for your own good, you know that right? I wanna help you be the best you can be. So no breaking promises or leaving this notebook lying around somewhere, I know you wanted to, I know everything, so don't lie to me. Just trust me. Do not challenge me, I'm warning you.
23:00 Well that was a conversation I never expected to happen, especially not with this particular person. Though in hind sight it does fit, the puzzle pieces are falling into place.
Well, I trust her but you need to be more carefull. Four people now no about the selfharm and six about the sexuality which, btw, I thought we'd already discussed? It aint gonna happen.
23:30 Belle just posted a picture of her and Rixt. They're obviously somewhere together but whe I asked her about it she didn't reply, she obviously felt intruded. They didn't even tell me. They shut me out. I feel so sad.
Didn't I tell you? They don't care or at leat they're getting tired of you bringing them down. This is exactly why you need to learn to rely on yourself.
They never want me to come over, or want to come over, I always initiate everything. I guess I don't deserve them after all. They're probably having much more fun without me anyway. They always have.
What did I just tell you?! No more leaving clues! Woman you are so dim! You don't wanna ruin her mood now, do you? She's finally happy again after all you put her through. Leave her be, she deserves much better than your whining.
I hate how sad I am while everbody is so chipper. I hate that I'm lying to her. But how could I not? I love her and want her to be happy. How will that ever happen for a long period of time if I keep messing it up with my depression and sadness? Maybe I can be strong for her. Even if she says she can handle it and I'm worth it, I don't believe her. I will stay away.