|Just don't let me disappear
Author: InThisFieldOfLife PM
And he's drunk, she just knows that he's drunk. God, he would be drunk wouldn't he? The stupid prick. But he has some things he needs to say and he'll be damned if she doesn't hear them tonight, her swearing and insults aren't going to stop him from telling her. Nothing will. She just might not want to hear them.Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Words: 2,727 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 10-15-12 - Status: Complete - id: 3065839
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I don't like this very much but I felt like posting something so I did so here you go. I didn't have time for editing it or making it better because I have homework but I really hope that you like it, which you probably won't but who knows. Constructive criticism is very much welcome and appreciated but whatever, just read and finish it would make me very happy. Anyway, on we go.
It was dark in her room that night, shadows crept up her walls like cats prowling and getting ready to pounce. It was cold, too. She'd neglected to put the heating on and she was paying for that decision now as she sat in two jumpers with a thick, fleecy blanket wrapped tightly around her shoulders. The curtains were pulled back to reveal a little light from the streetlights, but besides that it was dark seeing as even the moon didn't want to come out tonight. She'd fallen asleep in an awkward position, upright with her head turned 90 degrees to rest against the headboard and her knees were pulled up to her chest by her arms. She looked like she was a little caterpillar in its cocoon. She was shivering in her sleep, her teeth chattering together. The room wasn't just cold because of her failure to turn on the heating, it was cold because this room hadn't been her home in a long time. She doubted that it ever could be again.
She was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing, shocking her from her slumber. She felt disorientated for a good thirty seconds or so as she dithered about rubbing at her eyes and brushing her messy hair out of her face. She reached a hand out without looking where it was going, feeling around on her bedside table in a lazy, just woken up state before feeling her mobile which was flashing brightly, a stark contrast against the dark in the room. She still had her eyes half shut and she felt like they were going to close any second now, she hoped that the caller didn't intend to have an intellectual conversation. She put the phone to her ear without checking the caller ID, not wanting to face the stinging that the light would surely cause her eyes, fully intending on shouting the fuck out of whoever had chosen to bother her while she was asleep.
"Whoever you are, I don't fucking care because it's obvious that you're a complete arsehole and I'd be scared because there is no doubt that I will kick your scrawny good for nothing ass a billion times over. Mark my words," She hissed in her hazy, half asleep voice. Anger was clear in her tone and anyone on the other end should be warned not to mess with her.
"Always a charmer, my dear Andie," A slur seeped out from the phone, a slur so pronounced that there was no doubt that the caller had been drinking. Drinking a shit load. She could almost smell the alcohol that was sure to be on his breath crackle out from the phone. She could almost see the smirk of the man who was probably sitting on the curb or a bench outside some club or sitting in the back of a cab.
"Always a fucking shit brain, my dear Leon," She snapped back, a sharp edge in her voice to show that she wasn't having anyone messing with her tonight. A chuckle sounded through the phone and then it sounded like he was holding it away from his ear, talking to someone in the background, and she could hear voices and distant music. But then he was placing it back to his ear, she could hear his heavy breathing.
"Babe, why don't you come out? It's still early yet," He said, ignoring her previous comment. She took the phone away from her ear to glance at the time in the right hand corner. 2:49 AM.
"It's nearly 3 o'clock, you should be getting home," She answered in a no-argue sort of voice, seriousness in her tone and if he'd been sober he'd realise that she just wanted to go back to sleep and for him to go on with his life before he'd called her. But unluckily for her, he wasn't sober.
"It's still early, and you sure know how to liven up a dead party," He told her, the slur becoming increasingly worse so that she could only just make out what he was saying.
"I think you should call it a night," She persisted, not backing down, she closed her eyes shut tight then and let her head fall back against the headboard. She hadn't spoken to him in a few weeks, she'd blame it on her being busy because it was true, but it was mainly due to the fact that she couldn't handle it. She hated herself because she never let her feelings get involved, she never felt anything, she had a wall built firmly around her heart that no one was knocking down. He was the perfect guy for her to mess about with, he didn't let himself get strings tied with any girls and he was hell of a great guy in bed. And she hated him with all of her being, how cocky and arrogant he was. He was such a dick. But for whatever reason he'd found himself a place in her heart. A small place, she argued because she barely admitted that, but a place all the same.
She glanced out of the window and got up from the bed, dragging the blanket with her as she went to the window ledge and perched on it, bringing her knees up and finding herself a more comfortable position. She rested her forehead against the cool glass and stared out at the stray car that was making its way down the road, the lights bright against the otherwise dark neighbourhood. She sighed, her breath misting the glass up a little, and she turned to stare around her room at the piles of dirty laundry and the stacks of paper on her desk. Then she looked down at her knees.
"Why did you call, Leon?" She asked, her voice quiet with the hint of an edge of something more behind her words. The voice of a girl who'd left so many things unsaid, who'd probably never get up the courage to say the words out loud.
"You've been avoiding me, baby girl, I wanted to know why. I missed your kisses," Typical. He'd have to say something like that, he'd have to point it out without beating around the bush. He'd have to throw in the part about missing her kisses, making herself hate herself more than she already did for letting herself get attached to a guy that could only ever like what her body did and not her. She was so fucking stupid. So, so idiotic. If she was a girl in a movie, she'd be heartbroken. But she wasn't, so she was just a little numb. They could never work, she reminded herself for the fifth time in the past few days.
"Jackass, why'd I be avoiding you? You're such a paranoid, twat, you know that? Maybe you should get yourself checked out for something before you start thinking that someones following you," She answered because denial was always the best policy. It was always the best plan, the plan that never failed.
"You're hell of a good denia," She thought it best not to point out that that wasn't even a real word, she doubted that he cared even if he was sober, "So why don't you stop with the lies? I've always been able to see right through you."
"It's nothing, I'm just busy with college and work. Come on, I'm sure that a man-whore like you has got plenty of sluts to fill my place."
"But you're my prize slut, ain't you baby girl? You're my whore and I miss you and you're gorgeous ass," He said and that would be almost sweet, she squeezed her eyes shut and placed her fingers to her temples and massaged the skin there. She then pulled the blanket tighter around herself and watched a fly's silhouette outlined on the wall above her bed as it hovered around her light.
"So elequont, aren't we?"
"You always do that, brush away what I say without a sidelong glance. I compliment you and say shit that only a pussy would say, they all say that I'm so fucking whipped, but you always just push past it. I'm so fucking stupid because you always said that you could never like me," He was babbling now, only a few of his words making sense and she clenched her fists up really tight. The shadows were descending on her now.
"Just shut the hell up, will you?" She snapped and she heard his heavy breathing on the other line, heard him suck in one very harsh breath before it all evened out.
"Why?" He asked, very gently. Too gentle for him, the guy that had got into far too many pub brawls and proudly declared he was a BAMF like it was some trophy of his. Stupid fuckface.
"Because you're going to get me to fall for you like all the goddamn other girls with their short ass skirts and blonde hair and no brain cells. I don't want to be one of them, I can't be. If you keep saying that I'm gorgeous and that you miss me I might actually believe you. I can't do that to myself, you'll never change and I don't expect you to, okay? I'm not asking you to, I never would. But shut the fuck up before I fall for you like the idiot I am," She was practically yelling now and she was thankful that her room mate was away because the girl was nice but a fusser and she'd be sure to crack out the ice cream and say that they should have a nice girly chat.
"Why do you never believe that anyone can like you? Why can't you believe that I'd like you? You're not like those girls, I knew that from the beginning. From the very moment you waltzed into my life after punching your friends boyfriend for being an ass and then ordering a whiskey, a goddamn whiskey, without even blinking. You're so goddamn beautiful, so beautiful that I can't speak sometimes when you smile, and you're eyes make me feel like I'm in another world. And you're so funny, you're sarcastic and pessimistic but you're so funny. And kind, you'd just never let anyone see that. God Andie," He breathed out and he suddenly seemed a billion times more sober than he did just seconds ago. She didn't know what had happened but he'd seemed to sober up in that moment.
But he'd probably said a variation of the same thing to a hundred other girls, he'd probably said that he thought they were the most beautiful person he'd ever seen and he wished he could stay with her forever. He'd probably even toned it down with her, not piled it on so heavy because he knew he'd basically already gotten her hook line and sinker. She was so stupid and she was going to end up being a sinking ship while he watched from the deck of another, fancier boat.
"Just go home, Leon," She said firmly, her tone expressionless but she already had tears starting to make their way down her face. "Just go to bed, it's late."
"I really fucking like you, Andie, and I wish that you saw that but you don't think that anyone could ever like you. I have no idea why you don't think that anyone could because you're amazing. So amazing. But I was never good enough for you, was I? I was just the stupid, jerky jock that pulled the moves on anything that moved. I was never going to be what you wanted," He said as he ignored her last comment, his voice was louder, the kind of loud that a drunk person used when they didn't know how loud they were speaking.
"Stop it, please," She said quietly, letting her weakness and vulnerability show through in her voice because she sounded so fragile in that second. She just wanted him to stop it, to stop lying to her. She knew that no one could ever like the girl with the cold, cold heart. The girl that hurt people without so much as battering an eyelash, that didn't care how many hearts she broke in the process of getting what she wanted. She knew no one could like the control freak who swore too much and said hurtful things, "You've got to stop lying. You're hurting me."
He stopped then. He was quiet for a long time.
She breathed out, long and slow, before looking out of the window at the empty street and chewed at the skin beside her thumb nail. She felt another tear slip down her cheek and hated the fact that she was crying because she'd never wanted to be the damsel in distress that cried over guys because she wasn't Juliet waiting for her Romeo. She was a tough mother fucker with combat boots and a hard as nails attitude. That's what she'd always been.
"I really do like you a lot, Andie. Baby girl."
"Go to bed, I'll call you in the morning to make sure you didn't die in a gutter after choking on your own vomit," She answered and knew that he was about to reply but she pulled the phone away from her ear and was about to hang up, her finger was hovering over the end call so she could go spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling watching the way the shadows moved when cars went past on the road, when she heard,
"I think that I love you."
She'd already pressed the end call and the static buzzed through the air at the sudden silence after the loss of his voice, it was too quiet in her room and she felt the tears starting to flow faster now and she clenched her fists so tight that her nails dug into her palm
She'd neglected to realise that one of the only times that humans tell the truth is when they're drunk.
Leon looked down at the screen that displayed the length of call time and her name. Her beautiful name. Of course he wasn't good enough and he was stupid for ever thinking that she could like him because she was so special and he just wasn't. She was the sun and the moon and the Earth while he was just him, she was everything and he was just no one. She deserved a life without him screwing everything up and hurting her. God, he was so stupid. He took a long swig of the beer that was in his hand and once he'd drained the glass he slammed it down on the little picnic table that he was sat at in the park across from the bar and got up, unsteady on his feet. He staggered a little but managed to recover as he made his way across the road, dodging a car, with the full intent on picking up a chick to fuck away his pain.
Because she was never a damsel in distress and even if she was he certainly wasn't her prince charming, he didn't even know how to be.