|Strange Tales from the House of Jones
Author: Canadian Erect Mountie PM
Mr. Jebediah Jones has 40 children he adopted, all of various ages, ethnicity, color, shape, size, etc. And they have the strangest names. However, these children are very unique. Whether it's fighting over who gets the last slice of pie, who has the best fashion sense, or who's cutest, the Jones are bound to be a riot. Was it mentioned they all share the same birthday?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,161 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 11-05-12 - Published: 11-03-12 - id: 3071108
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Of course, I was the oldest. I wasn't exactly considered a child anymore, at the age of 20, but Mr. Jones loved me all the way. (I'm not so petty as to claim being the favorite; that title probably goes to Cassinass, who made the best salads.)
Next came Tristany, my twin, who would often get on my nerves harder than a cheese grater would to butter. She was more irritating than even Frespacia, and THAT was saying something! Sometimes she would act all innocent for the day and even get along with Mez long enough to totally prank me- usually it was with some kind of animal, Tris loooved her little frogs.
Mezaiah, Alikon, and Nemaliv were triplets, all 19. They were alright, I suppose, but they were much too boring, even for a "stuck-up prude" like me. (That complement was courtesy of Sardijo.)
Adelaide- now THERE was a sister if I ever had one (and I have 20.) She was amazing- loud and friendly, sometimes oblivious (but in a cute way) and she was always willing to drop what she was doing just to give someone a ride home or something else sisterly-like. She had the softest spot for cute things, and adorable little Magdeleine could be seen at her side with that old stuffed cat all the time.
Now, when Mr. Jones went out on a "business trip" to India, of course he had to check out the local orphanages. And there he found Murtaja, Sunita, and Yandara Adnan, triplets. They were a boy and two girls, and although they had been quite young when adopted, they were Buddhists. Most of their time was spent doing Indian-like things, like chakras or sewing or worshipping that bald monk guy whose name I can't remember. It was kinda creepy.
One time Jeb went to Italy. The word "mafia" had been there when he explained where he was going, but everyone was too little to remember anyway. And guess what! Go on, guess! You say he brought home another child... Well, there's that, but he also managed to figure out why the Tower of Pisa was leaning. Today, Nonoliu is 18, and she isn't afraid to shove it in Lumeied and Dekascious's faces on a daily basis. Loomy and Deke are twins; 17, and they most definitely do NOT get along with Murty, Sunny, and Yandara. They mostly hole themselves in their rooms, but not to worship Buddha. They study. Yeah, you heard that right, they studied. No one really knew what, but that's what they did.
Ah, and our family fashonistas. They were Frenchies, Dominique and Guillame. (Guillame means "William" in French, in case you didn't know.) Ever heard of that show, "16 and Pregnant?" For them it was more like "16 and always better than you." I'm not even joking; I don't think ANYONE liked them and their "criticism," except for Mr. Jones, who agreed fashion was like a food group or something.
Anyway, their little henchwomen were Clairienne and Mitella, who were both 11. They were nice and quiet and shy, a lot like Evalys, but I'll tell you about him later. Claire and Mitty were too shy to not do what Billy and Dom wanted, and too shy for anyone else to notice they practically despised their older siblings.
Psyren… yeah, she's weird. Dad found her in some eastern European country (like the most of us were European, but whatever) with a tribe of some weird old religious people. They were going to sacrifice her or something, take her blood? Blood of a virgin? I don't know, never really asked. I think she remembered it because these days she'll beg Dad for books on magic, books in antique shops, and anything with spells or an "aura," whatever that was. She was always a mystery to me.
You think that's weird? Then you have NEVER met Ophelia. She is… she is… God, I don't even know how to describe her. She loves to gossip and talk and be nosy, but you don't need to worry about that. She'll only tell her stuffed animals or her pet bird, Wilbur.
Ah, and now we're on Gyravelen and Loxieuas. Ha, you probably have no idea how to pronounce that! Here, lemme help: -EE-oo-ahs. Dad found them somewhere, and the strange thing? He found them with those names! They're 14 now. Even I have to admit, they're pretty handsome; nice, Justin Bieber-ish hair, stunning blue eyes, and a smile to die for. They take "brotherly love" to an all new level. It was borderline incestuous.
Remember how I said Cassinass was probably Dad's favorite up there? She is beautiful, for a 14-year-old. He adopted her from Hungary. She's really into nature, but not as "into it" as Frespacia. Cassie's really good at cooking and very motherly, but not loud and obnoxious like Adelaide.
A long time ago, Dad went to Greece. He met a woman, and they produced children. Three, in fact. And the woman, Sheila, died giving birth. I don't know Dad's opinion on her, but he must have cared about her to, you know, do it. He took Eylalye, Epimedes, and Evalys back to our home in America.
Dad was always… bittersweet towards them, to say the least. He wouldn't treat them the same as the rest of us, and when they turned eight, Eylalye and Epimedes ran away. They almost forced shy Evalys to go with them, but he refused. The subject was touchy for everyone who was old enough to remember. They would be 13 now, if they were even alive. We don't know, and Dad hasn't spoken of them since, but he's been sure to pay more attention to Evalys since it happened. Ev hangs out with Cassie mostly; and though he wasn't ever one for nature, he loves to work.
The annoying one of our family- oh, I'm sorry, I meant the MOST annoying one on our family (cough Dom and Bill cough cough) is Sardijo Reyes. He likes to think he's so tough, with his short butch and menacing grin. Not to mention the scar on his left eyebrow from a fight he got into with some idiot in public. Dad doesn't let him leave the grounds anymore because of that. The little shorty was found in Mexico and is only "nice" to those younger than him, except Gyralmala. Sardijo's quick to anger, that one, especially if you call him "Sardine," which Tris loves to do.
Our Troublesome Trio consists of Xeniel, Cinolus, and Phaeseus. They're all 10, and always pulling pranks, especially with Mez and Tris. They remind me of the Weasley twins, except there are three of them, and they're brown haired.
I think Dad's favorite trip was to Japan. There, he adopted Bruyo. He was the only one not immediately christened with a weird name after adoption. His original name had been some really long Japanese word no one remembers, and I guess Dad considered letting him keep it, but then realized it was even a bit too weird for his tastes. Bruyo is very quiet, but not at all shy. He reached mastery in over ten different forms of martial arts, and is a wicked chess player. Trust me, I can NOT beat that kid, and he's only nine.
Roddy is possibly the biggest nerd I've ever met. EVER. He is so cliché, it's not even funny. The sweater vests, the crisply ironed khakis, a pocket protector, neat, gelled hair- the only thing not screaming "GEEK" about him was the no-glasses part- he had perfect vision. He loved to study, especially with Loomy and Deke. His favorite color is blue, which might seem like a strange thing to point out, but he LOVES THE COLOR BLUE. Remember that for later.
Frespacia is a girl's name, right? (With my Dad you can never tell.) She- and I say "she" with hesitance- likes nature. As in, she doesn't car where it goes with her. In her bed, in the car, in the inside, the kitchen, the bathroom- she had no definition for the word "clean." Very outlandish and a true tomboy, Spacey was a singular Weasley twin- short, red, choppy hair, and she loves to bother Roddy.
You'd think that Gyralmala would get along with Dominique and Guillame, but their fashion tastes… differ. Gyralmala likes to be a princess and has dubbed everyone in the family a Duke, Duchess, knight, Lady, Lord, Minister, Ambassador, or a King, for Dad. There is no Queen, something that she wants desperately, and tries to match Dad up with every pretty lady they meet. Everyone finds it adorable, especially Bruyo, who sometimes mutters things about dressing her up and taking pictures for "shota," whatever that is. She's not very fond of Spacey, but then again, she's only 7.
Trusteeil is possibly the best named out of all of us. Her nickname is, anyway. Dubbed "True" as soon as she could talk, our little 6-year-old is never afraid to bluntly state what she sees, hears, feels, etc. She's even blunter than Bruyo and more emotionless too. He calls her "tsundere."
Didyme and Menish are the only fraternal twins in the family. They are complete opposites; DD is dark-skinned, macabre, and quiet; Menish is pale, loud, and he's in love with chocolate. They're pretty much ignored, I guess. I feel bad, maybe soon I'll take them to the cinema or something… on second thought, if I offered to bring them, everyone would want to go.
Our four babies of the family are Andromidas, Merille, Anatasiya, and Fochael.
"In conclusion, my 40 siblings are both a blessing and a curse, but I still love each and every one of them." Zeus finished his essay on family, lowering it. In hopes of presenting it at his next class, he had been reading out loud to everyone at the table… the very, very long table. The room was silent. Mouths were agape. And then True stated, "That was the worst essay I've ever heard."
Zeus scowled. "You've never even heard an essay before, shrimp!"
"Aw, c'mon Z, I thought it was nice! Especially how you labeled me as loud and obnoxious." sniffed Adelaide, clutching Maggie close to her large bosom.
He smiled apologetically. "I mean it in a loving way, Addy."
Roddy stood up, cleared his throat and straightened his tie. "Zeus, I appreciate how you personally see us," he said pompously.
"Oh, God, here we go," muttered Mezaiah. Roddy ignored him.
"But, you have terrible writing skills! First of all, the information is not equal, you didn't put everyone's age in, or their nicknames, or their genders! And the story about Evalys- everyone's going to start acting all sensitive now! Why would you bring that up?" he asked angrily. Zeus frowned. The little twerp had some… good points there.
"Well, thank you for your, err, constructive criticism, Roderich, but I think Zeus can figure it out on his own." called a familiar voice from behind Didyme and Menish.