Author: ktplex PM
A 10-minute play in 2 scenes, loosely based on Marvel's "The Avengers" by @zrpru for a theater class.Rated: Fiction K - English - Friendship/Parody - Words: 1,766 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 11-13-12 - id: 3074144
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
(Curtains open with Tony Stark at his personal bar on downstage right drinking coffee nonchalantly. Suddenly, Thor bursts in through the door on stage left and crosses to Tony at the bar in a frustrated manner.)
Thor: Do you know what that one-eyed human has done now?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Are you talking about Nick Fury?
Thor: Yes, the Angry One.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Well, that's one way to put it.
Thor: He has gone and recruited me, Thor, the God of Thunder to waste away his time training mere mortals how to "use their powers" for the good humankind!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Isn't that just a shame?
Thor: Do not insult me with your witty banter, for Commander Fury has asked me to deliver this letter to you about the same assignment!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Wait, he wants us to train some brand-new, never-been-in-a-single-fight glory seeker?
Thor: It appears that way.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Great, so we're baby sitters now?
Thor: Why would we want to sit on human infants?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (slaps forehead) I cannot believe you just said that. You know what? Never mind. This is infuriating! I don't even know who this sucker is! "The Quickster"? Who is this punk?
Thor: I've already met him. He believes he is the fastest human on Earth, but he is quite the opposite. In fact (glances around), he claimed he would best me in a race to Stark Tower, but he has not yet arrived.
(As Thor says "not yet arrived", The Quickster bursts in the door, stumbling and breathing heavy. Thor and Tony Stark stare at the ridiculously and colorfully clothed character.)
The Quickster: (breathing heavily) Whoo! I (cough) am The Quickster! (continues coughing)
Tony Stark/Iron Man: You sure? You sound more like the Black Plague.
Thor: No, you sound more like you have a deathly disease!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (Tony Stark glares at Thor) You don't say?
Thor: No, I do say so. That's why I said it.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (shakes head) Never mind. (looks at The Quickster) So you're one of Fury's new recruits, huh?
The Quickster: Yes. I am the fastest man alive! I am—(strikes a pose)—The Quickster!
Tony Stark/ Iron Man: (sarcastically, rolls eyes) What a great name! It really brings out your super power!
The Quickster: (confidently) If you didn't notice, I clearly beat the God of Thunder in our race here to Stark Tower!
Thor: That's absurd! I bested you by at least a half-hour!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (steps in front of Thor) Whoa, big man, calm down. (Turns to the Quickster) Actually, Hammer-head over here actually beat you here. (Shrugs apologetically) Sorry.
The Quickster: That's impossible. No one can match the speed of—(strikes a pose)—The Quickster!
Thor: (to Tony) Talking with this imbecile is getting tiring. Shall we not do what Fury has instructed and be done with him?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Might as well. I mean, he's already here and I would like to get him out of Stark Tower. Why don't we take him down to the street? We can show him how to be a—(glances briefly at letter)—"Protector of the Peace".
Thor: Agreed. How will we go about teaching him…the ropes, as you humans say?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (smiles) I have an idea. (turns to The Quickster) Come on, speedy, we're going to try and teach you how to be…well, a better superhero—(over his shoulder to Thor)—even though he's not really one to begin with…
The Quickster: (stands straight up) You got it, boss! Where are we going?
Thor: Down to the town!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: And suit up, ladies! (puts on Iron Man mask)
(Curtain opens with Tony Stark, now completely dressed in the Iron Man suit, and Thor entering from stage left. The stage is now designed to look like the street in Times Square. Iron Man takes off his helmet as Thor looks around, confused.)
Thor: Where is the human of speed? He should have at least made it here before we did.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Yeah, Buddy, I don't think he'll beat us anywhere. He's about as fast as I am poor.
Thor: If we're talking about your moral character, then I believe he is quite fast indeed.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (Glares) Hilarious. Well, unless Speed Racer gets here soon…(The Quickster stumbles onstage as if trying to slow down from running too fast.) Well, speak of the devil! We thought we'd lost you! (The Quickster gives Iron Man an exasperated look)
Thor: You know, little hero (begins snickering), for one who boasts of his speed, you're slower than a bilge-snipe chewing on the wild grasses on the plains of Asgard! (Laughs heartily. Iron man and the Quickster give Thor an "Are you crazy?" look.) What?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: We live on the planet Earth, Thunder-Brain. (shakes head, turns to The Quickster.) All right dude, show us what you've got.
The Quickster: (takes a running stance) prepare to be amazed by the dazzling speed of—(strikes a pose)—The Quickster! (The Quickster proceeds to run around the stage in an exaggerated and hilarious manner. Thor and Iron Man wait until The Quickster has completed his circuit and burst out laughing)
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (Through laughter) Oh…my…gosh, I'm sorry buddy, but that was absolutely terrible (Turns to Thor), and don't you dare say some stupid analogy about Asgard.
Thor: (Laughing) Don't worry, Tony, I won't…because there's nothing on the realm of Asgard that can describe the ridiculousness we just witnessed!
(Thor and Iron Man continue to laugh. The Quickster puffs up his chest, his pride damaged.)
The Quickster: Your jokes do not faze me. I'm still the fastest person on Earth!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (recovering from the laughing fit) Ok, ok, so let's say you are the fastest person on Earth. That's great and all, but how does that help people who don't need speed?
The Quickster: (confused) What do you mean?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (puts arm around The Quickster) What I mean is if there was a problem that didn't require you to just run really fast?
The Quickster: I still don't see what you're talking about.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Let's try and act this out, maybe it'll help you figure out what I'm trying to say. Suppose a little old lady needs help crossing the street…(Tony gestures at Thor)
Thor: Are you implying that you want me to pretend to be an elderly old lady so that this bumbling oaf can help me across the street!?
Tony Stark/Iron Man: That's why I pointed at you.
Thor: This is insulting!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Look…(crosses to Thor, drops voice) The longer you argue about this, the longer we have to babysit this guy. Just do it, ok?
Thor: Ok, fine, but make it quick. Oh, my father would be so ashamed if he could see me right now…
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (smiling) Good. Now…(gestures) If you'd please?
Thor: Fine. (leans over and pretends to be an older woman in need of crossing the street, but does not change his voice at all) I am in need of assistance! I cannot cross the street alone!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (Turns to The Quickster, trying to cover up a snicker) Ok, now, how would you help this…(looks at Thor, snickers) Old lady?
The Quickster: By being fast! (before Tony can stop him, The Quickster runs over to Thor, grabs his wrist, and, before Thor can gain his balance, pulls Thor as quickly as possible and causes Thor to fall down)
Thor: (picks himself up, furious) By Odin, King of Asgard! What was that for?!
The Quickster: Sorry, ma'am, (gives Thor an icy look) I didn't realize just how fast I was running.
Thor: (stands up quickly, brushing himself off) You know what, you are not fast, you are a powerless human who keeps lying to himself for no obvious reason!
The Quickster: (offended, turns away and sits on stage downstage left) That's kind of hurtful…I do have a reason…
Thor: And what kind of bumbling excuse would that be, hmm? (The Quickster shrugs, looks away) Just what I thought, none!
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (comes up behind Thor, pull him downstage right, and talks in a low voice while occasionally glancing at The Quickster over his shoulder) Hey, take it easy on him, will you? I mean, I know he's not a great runner like he claims to be, but he seems kind of torn up that we don't think so, why don't we see what's going on?
Thor: I guess you're right. I was being kind of mean, but when an Asgardian's pride is damaged it is not taken lightly.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (pushes Thor over to The Quickster) Go ask him. Make amends.
Thor: I will. (sits down next to The Quickster) What seems to be troubling you, my friend?
The Quickster: Well, your comment was kind of hurtful…
Thor: And I am sorry.
The Quickster: …but it wasn't a lie. I know I'm not fast, but I want to be a superhero so bad…
Thor: And why is that?
The Quickster: Well…when I was younger, my father served in the Army…
Thor: I see.
The Quickster: He died in Vietnam. He was a hero…so I wanted to be a hero, too! Except I'm not really good at anything…
Thor: So you decided to be fast?
The Quickster: Yeah, but I realize now that I'm really not that fast…
Thor: (puts an arm around The Quickster) That is fine. Because it's not the physical traits that define a hero…(points at The Quickster's chest)…but what is in the heart.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (bends down on the other side of The Quickster) And that is what makes hero's so special, because your heart is what gives you the strength to things that others wouldn't normally do.
The Quickster: (looking from Thor to Tony, smiling) I guess you're right. Thanks, guys!
(All three of them stand up and begin to leave stage right)
Tony Stark/Iron Man: Well, we better head off to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters and tell Nick Fury that you're ready to be a full-fledged super hero!
The Quickster: Really?!
Thor: Yes, you've certainly…
The Quickster: Proved my worth?
Thor: (stops, shocked) Yes, actually, that was exactly what I was going to say.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: (slaps The Quickster on the back, laughs) If you keep that up, we might think you're psychic, too!
The Quickster: (smiles, realization on his face) Hey…
Thor: (realizing what The Quickster is thinking, grabs his arm and pulls him offstage right) No! You are not a psychic!