Ambivalence

.

Is it possible

For a person to be so torn

Pain festers in their chest

Like a stagnant poison,

Feeding on and unraveling

Their soul's meticulous knitting?

.

Like a skilled weaver with nimble fingers

Like a beast with ravaged fangs

Like a stealthy, poisonous spy

Like a Love Potion #9 dart

Like a creature slashing through my heart

Like a whispered curse by some evil-doer.

Turning my heart into a rebellious vigilante.

.

Dear Reason,

Bring your army

The cavalry

The archers.

The bomb-droppers

The swordsmen.

This heart must be taken down.

Rebelling against us is not permitted.

.

We are realistic and reasonable

The heart,

This wild, pathological thing

Beating uncontrollably in my ribcage-

We must control it.

.

It is not fair!

Love has a mind of its own

Instilled in my heart,

Telling me words

And weaving sweet lies

Until I almost believe them.

.

But I have reason and truth.

We shoot Love down

With our bullets of realism

And bombs of logic.

.

How dare you!

How dare you, heart,

Commit treason like this.

How dare you feed me beautiful scenarios

And spin beautiful dreams in my sleep.

I have an elephant on my chest

And snakes in my blood

Turning my own body against me.

.

I want to believe everything you say

And all the colors you show me.

But there is one factor you're miscalculating-

Him.

.

You can say that you love him

You can show me possibilities and hope

But everything depends on his heart

His reason

If his body is feeling the way mine is now.

.

Do you know if he even wants this?

Do you know if he hurts in the morning

After seeing a heartbreaking dream?

Do you know if he can't breathe when I walk by?

Does he look when I pass him?

All signs point to no.

.

While you're busy slashing and crashing my pulse

Fertilizing the flowers of my heart with potions,

Setting loose a beast to tear apart my basic composition,

Knitting my soul together with snippets of childish faith,

I am preparing against you, heart.

I will be fighting and biting all the way-

You be taken down kicking and screaming.

.

I will ravage my own heart,

Rototill my lovely garden,

Cage the beast that makes me feel alive

And tame every spontaneous cell

Just to bring you to your knees.

.

You, traitor,

Will not control my body.

Nor my head nor my blood

Nor anything that belongs to me!

So while you may say

I love him

It could happen

Keep the faith

Don't worry,

I am working against you.

My spies are carefully unhinging you

Because

Nothing will happen

I shouldn't care for him so I won't.

My reasonable army will destroy my sanctum

So it is littered with your broken handiwork.

And when he finally steps through the door

He will know what I go through for him.

He will know that I truly love him

He will see the torment I survive.

.

When he picks up a shattered jar of roses

He will see their bloom has not faded

Their color is still vibrant, though dusty.

He will know everything in me is still hoping

That he knows how I feel and

He feels the same.

.

He will turn around and take my hand,

Tugging me to face the destruction of my greenhouse heart.

He will wipe away my tears and say

Everything is going to be alright,

We will fix this together.

.

He will rebuild a stone wall

And I will repot blossoms in vases from his heart.

The sun will blast through the glass ceiling

Washing the back of my neck with beams of relief

Soaking my body in the heat of my newly awakened organ.

.

We will turn the soil so it is fresh

And we will water the trees,

Just to watch the buds unfurl in front of our eyes.

My face, my lips, cannot stop smiling

Even though tears pour down my face.

.

I tremble as you press your lips to mine

And as my face rains with happiness,

The clouds let loose torrents of their pent-up tears

Sopping our hair and our clothes and our skin

Until we both are water

And we can't tell where each other begins.

.

As I watch your lips break into a heart-stopping smile,

A rainbow splits in the sky

Bringing forth a new kind of flower,

Lining a path between my greenhouse heart

And yours,

So we will be connected forevermore.

So we can always run to each other if needed.

.

But see,

I have not left my army behind.

Reason and Logic and Sensibility?

They are in each flower,

Each drop of rain

Each beam of sunshine

Showering down on us.

.

The cavalry is dispersed,

The archers are disassembled,

The army is on leave,

The swordsmen have melted their blades,

The bomb-droppers are permanently on break.

My rebellious heart I once despised?

It was on the right track all along.

I was just missing one important factor-

Him.

.

A/n: Guess who wrote a 7-page poem? Me! And guess who has writer's block for "Wish Upon My Star"? Me again! To clear the air of my 'greenhouse', I don't LOVE the boy I wrote this about (he's my stupid muse. Seriously. It's annoying. But hey! Great poetry!), I just REEEEALLLY like him, though I'm very sure he doesn't like me back. I'm not even on his radar. But hey! That's where imagination comes in!

I really like this poem because it starts out as an internal war (*hint hint ambivalence*) and then happily ever after occurs. Siiigh. Some girl is going to get reallly lucky to get a guy like him. He's pretty great. So if he's married one day (not to me) and finds out all of this was for him . . . how awkward. For now, my invisble poetry is good enough. It has to be, because I have the guts of a chicken and he won't even look at me. Soooo yup.

This is very much mine! Reviews and readers are highly highly appreciated! (Seriously, I freak out over every single digit the (re)views go up). Thanks!

-Shannon