Author: TheBlueSabbath PM
Doing a prompt. Please review and give me a constructive criticism. An effort in improving my writing. About a couple who is looking forward to buy a new houseRated: Fiction K+ - English - Family - Words: 1,816 - Published: 11-23-12 - id: 3076804
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Based on a prompt; in creative writing now dot com
"Darling," My blond haired wife chirped happily to me this morning- in my hand was a readily made hot cocoa and in the other the daily newspaper- even without seeing her, I knew from her tone that she has a ready smile in her lips, she looked very happy- enthusiasm gleaming from her ever warm green irises.
"Yes, my dear?" I looked up at her- eager to please her. Newly married, so far, there had been nothing that would displease me about her- she was caring and alert, sensitive of all my needs- except maybe, that her cooking would at times carry a bit more salt than is usually required. But of course I would smile and tell her that nothing in this world could beat her cooking prowess- although I make it a point for a chef friend to visit a house now and then, if only to make her fix her morbid obsession with salt.
"My friend Gabriella," I secretly wince, I know her friend Gabriella far too well- she's someone who could persuade my wife in anything, they had been bosom friends since high school, sure, but that would not excuse the fact that Gabriella and I couldn't really get along, my wife would always praise her fervently- 'Gabriella's taste is very nice', 'I've never met a girl as clever as her', and so on so I could not help but force a wry smile. "I just went shopping with her yesterday- she said my clothes are out of style and took pains to show me the current trends, look at this green bracelet, isn't this the trendiest thing ever?" The bracelet was neon green and looked out of place from my wife's pinkish white complexion.
I proceeded with it cautiously- I have learned not to openly criticize Gabriella's taste, no- my wife would not lash at me, passive and sweet as she is, but she would look at me with such displeasure that I could not help but feel bad. "Sure- it looks nice in your skin, dear."
"I know you would like it- Gabriella told me it would please you. She's always right, its terrifying." My wife proceeded to take a brochure from her bag, showing me. It was a new housing project, from the looks of it. We haven't had a real house yet- yes, the only thing that makes us not really an official well off married couple. Right now, we're living in my 2-room apartment condo, since we're planning to have kids soon- maybe buying a house is quite a good idea. But her next statements makes me choke on my coffee. "Gabriella recommends it."
Wiping my lips with a handkerchief- I hope my expression doesn't betray me as I said, "Oh- it must be a very pleasant house then."
Apparently it doesn't, as my wife clapped her hand, as was her habit when making a decision. "I'm going to call the housing agency and we will visit the house this afternoon. Oh, I sure am excited."
The housing agency immediately assigned us a shifty eyed, slick haired agent who smiles a bit too much. Rubbing his hands, he speaks, his voice sounded sleek and smooth, almost as if the whole thing was staged.
"Oh, madam, sir- looking for a dream house? Our houses are exactly the perfect thing, why- its spacious enough for you, your wife, and your future son. And it even might house a dog, our neighborhood love dogs."
And I am allergic to dogs.
"Haven't I told you- my name is Bob Calders. And today I will bring you one step closer to your dream house."
Classical, Bob, classical.
"It will even suit your jobs- if I'm not mistaken, Mr Liestand, you're a dentist and your wife is an artist right? Why- you could find more patients here and your wife can paint the beautiful scenery around the neighborhood."
It seems hard for him to get to the main topic.
"What's the price, Mr Calders?"
He smiles again. I felt a shudder in the back of my spine suddenly. "Why- for a charming couple like both of you- we have decided to give both of you a discount, only 100000 dollar- sir."
That's awfully cheap for a house.
My wife looked ecstatic, "Wow, Gabriella is really very considerate, she knew we can't really afford so much. I'm so grateful I have a friend like her." Her voice came in a hushed whisper.
"That's perfect. Can we proceed to the house?" I tried to keep my face level- but secretly I begin doubting the fact, Gabriella and a suspicious deal are best friends-perfectly compatible- in my mind.
It took a five miles drive from the agency to the house- the cold breeze almost sweeping my legs off as I got out of the car. Is it only me or is it unnaturally cold? My wife gasped at the sight of the house- it was a two storied house, with a classic American design. Nothing particularly out of place here. But it begs for further inspection, to be sure. Eyeing my surroundings, I saw that the house are spaced in a distance, yet that doesn't make the fact that nobody can be seen around the place makes sense.
"Where are all the neighbors?" I asked.
"Why- sir." Bob said, a smile intact in his face- yet I saw it tenses almost imperceptibly, "We're a new housing project- so its not too crowded yet."
"Not even a single buyer?"
He went on talking about some crappy speech about how people these days not having a superior taste like us. Basic ass-licking.
My wife doesn't seem bothered, she was smiling. "Can we see the house now?"
"Oh sure sir. Do you want me to go with you or should I just give you the house key?" I prefer the inspection without you.
I immediately agreed with inspecting the place just together with my wife. For some quaint reasons, the man seem to be pleased not having to enter the house- odd, considering how enthusiastic he was.
Again, it could just be my gut feeling speaking.
My wife entered the house with gusto- she ran all over the house- like a kid in a candy store. Another thing I love about her.
"Darling- it really is spacious!" She danced and twirl around like a pixie.
I agree with her observation- too spacious even, that I could put an elephant in the room and still have room to sleep.
The wallpaper however was neon green- hitting my eyes at the first time when I saw it, a good attempt in shocking strangers and standing out. In the spacious room there's only a single furniture. An old vintage sofa- evidently well used.
"Wait." I watch my wife halt and looked at me, "Is this the only room in the down floor? Where's the kitchen and the all? Bathrooms?"
"Oh- details darling. We don't have to have rooms. In fact a spacious room is all we need. We can improvise when we cook. and just put our furnitures around and it will be alright."
Sure, dear. We can pee in spacious rooms. Like dogs.
"And anyway- I'm sure there's a bathroom upstairs."
My wife intuition is spot on. There's a bathroom upstairs- yet the size is remarkably small, not too well proportioned considering the big layout of the room downstairs. There's no bathtub- the only thing we can use is a small bucket of water to take a bath. Genius, considering we can use it by filling it from the tap water and take good hot baths with that.
And my wife always took bath for at least an hour, with good long warm baths.
I eyed her carefully- watching her reaction. Surprisingly she just shrugged the fact off. "Oh- who cares about baths, this house is like a dream come true."
I surely will miss my long warm baths.
Fortunately- the spacious room in the second story was divided into chunks of rooms, a big spacious room for our future kid apparently- and a small one for the parents. How very pleasant, I imagine the architect of the building is very fond of little kids. They provide a low quality double bed for us and a bed full of trinkets for the kids.
For the kids we haven't even had.
I imagine we could sleep in the kid's rooms for a while- as long as I fold my legs into half, that is.
The rooms had ventilations for circulations of healthy air. Which I imagine will be helpful when there's rains, why I love a room which is a bit damp.
My wife's expression never changed when we went downstairs.
"Oh, madam, sir? Finished already? Did you enjoy the tour around the house?" Bob smiled pleasantly.
There was nothing to look at anyway- was what his body language and eye glance seem to say.
"It was superb." I answered.
"So- will you buy the house?" He asked, rubbing his hands again.
"Well-" I hesitated.
"No." My wife said, much to my surprise.
"What?" The question slipped from my tongue involuntarily.
"Its the crappiest house I've ever seen, my dear." She explained.
"I thought you said it was a dream come true." I feel like contradicting her.
She pursed her lips, "But its too cold for my taste- and with such chill- I can't take my warm long baths."
Oh, so she did care about that.
"Why, madam, we can arrange something, surely-"
"My no is final, sir." It was rare for my wife to display such decisiveness.
And Bob kept his smile- as if he had expected the answer.
"Gabriella-" I started when we drove back to our home.
"She can go to hell. I never liked her that much anyway." My wife calmly stated- I must make sure not to make that ire directed towards me.
What a scary lady.
But all's well that end's well.
The prompt :
Your character and his wife visit a new house that they're thinking of buying. Your character's wife is enthusiastic about the house, but it's really a terrible place. The character hates it but is afraid to say what he really thinks. Show the scene. But.. do NOT tell the reader that the house is terrible. Do NOT tell the reader that your character hates it. Do NOT have the character tell his true feelings about the wife. Instead, make the reader see and feel it all. And eventually, make the wife see it too.