The Needle

Thump thump. Thump thump. I sit here for hours and listen as the sound grows stronger. I'm never sure if it's coming from me or my mother. My mother, the only other thing I know. I know the things she likes to eat, and all her habits and feelings. I know these things because we are one and the same. I am hers and she is mine.

I'm not sure why, but I can tell that my mother is in a lot of pain. Not just the physical pain from having to tote me around every day. No, it's a different kind of pain; an emotional pain. It makes me sad to know that my mother is in pain. It makes me wish I could help her, take the pain away from her. After all, it's thanks to her that I exist at all. She literally gave me life. I hear her refer to the word love from time to time, and I'm not sure I fully understand the concept.

I think I love her, though. I think I love her with every bit of my being. I wish I could tell her that. Maybe it would make her pain go away. Oh how I wish I could make her pain go away.

Sometimes I hear another voice, but not like my mother's voice. This voice is more inside my head, and richer and more powerful. I think this is my Father, but not the one my mother yells at. I think this is my Father that she cries to at night on her knees. He tells me he loves me, and I believe him. I believe that he loves me more than I could understand; maybe even more than I love my mother.

My mother's pain got worse this week; she cries all the time. She doesn't talk to my father anymore; she only cries to my other Father, the one that loves me. I wish I could make her pain go away. I get the feeling that her pain is my fault; I wish I could tell her I love her. Maybe that's why she's in pain, because she doesn't know I love her.

We go to visit this doctor. She is nice, but there are all these mean people yelling at us outside the building. I wonder why they would do that—it just makes my mother cry more. I know that my Father, the one that loves me, wouldn't approve. He doesn't show love that way.

We lie down on this table and take some medicine from the nice doctor; it makes her feel sleepy, but I'm still wide awake.

Thump thump. Thump thump. This time I can hear both our hearts beating in unison. So steady and relaxing that I soon forget where we are. I just drift off into the sound of our heartbeats that are one and the same.

Thump thump. Thump thump. I see the needle coming at me, I try to tell my mother but she's asleep, she can't hear me. I start to scream at my mommy; I want her to want me the way I want her. Why would she let this doctor hurt a part of herself? I'm sure she doesn't know. The doctor must have tricked her.

Pain. Blinding pain. Just one heart beat now. Thump. Thump. I love you Mommy—I wish I could tell you; so I could take your pain away.