Day 50

The Wednesday after.

A: Doctor, thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I haven't been feeling very good. I felt like I was going to do something bad if I didn't get everything off my chest!

D: That's ok Alex just go through it all slowly. Let's start with why you felt the need to call me up so late at night. Usually you're such a composed person I can't imagine what would have upset you to this extent.

A: I made a promise to someone and yesterday I broke it. I felt so bad about it that I stayed in bed all day drinking and feeling sorry for myself. Then was I just laying there and I felt so panicky I just, I don't know I guess it was a panic attack or something.

D:Alright we'll work through this slowly. This person that you made the promise to, who was it?

A:It was…me. I was thinking about one of the other times I had came here and how you told me that if I wanted to get past my problems, I had to make myself a promise and follow through on it. I think you said something about it helping me build up my own self worth if I could manage to keep promises with myself.

D:I also remember saying that for the time being that you should try keeping those promises small. From the sound of it you jumped ahead of yourself and tried doing something that was beyond for the moment.

A:I guess I did. I was just feeling so good about myself that I felt like it wouldn't be that hard to do. I wanted to do something big, you know.

D:That's ok, if you felt like need to do something bigger but I just wish you had talked to me first. Now, what was it that you promised yourself?

A:I told my myself that I wasn't going to go through the box with Mary's things. I told myself that if I could just manage one day without touching something that she had touched then I would finally be able to move past her. I was feeling so up to it! I put the box in the closet and kept myself busy. I went to work, worked that garden you had me start. I had dinner, watched a little T.V. Everything was going so well, then I spilled a my glass of wine. I went to the closet to get the vacuum and then I saw the box. Before I could be THINK I was on my knees looking through her things. I was crying and holding a picture of her for an hour before I just got up and went to bed.

D:Alex, it's ok you did nothing wrong. I've told you before that you should go through that box whenever you were feeling anxious. Mary's death left quite the scar, and you know these things don't heal overnight. I never wanted you try going cold turkey, even if it was just for the day. She hasn't been gone that long. These things take time.

A:I know, I know, it's just I miss her so much. I woke up today and I just couldn't feel much of anything. Like I was numb everywhere. I even looked in the box and I still didn't care. I cleaned up the wine from last night then I just kinda blanked out the rest of the day. No work, no nothing really. My friends called , I just let the voicemail pick it up. I was barely even thinking, anything I did do was just a reaction. I felt so heavy and dark. I went back to bed and just stared at this little crack in the wall, for hours. Then I remembered. Mary had made that crack getting out of bed one morning. All of a sudden I could stop thinking, couldn't stop feeling! I was overwhelmed I couldn't think properly. It felt like I was thinking twelve things at once! Every little thing I just, I just. I panicked.

D:Alex, it ok. This is reminiscent about how you were back right after she died. You might still have these attacks even years down the line. The important thing to remember isn't that you panicked. It's that you called me for help. You kept enough of yourself to call me and to not run off anywhere. You stayed here in the house and calmed youself down. You did good.

A:Thanks you Doctor. I just wished I had listened a little better to you. I hate that feeling of numbness. But the racing thoughts and emotions is so much worse than that. When I'm numb I can at least pretend things will get better. That other thing that happened? It doesn't leave enough room for anything other than sheer terror.

D:W'll work through it. Believe it or not. But even this set back on then plan I had for you will help you out in the long run.

A:As long as it doesn't kill me huh?

D:For lack of a better saying, yes exactly. Now I brought along a mild sedative that I want you to take. I'll stay here for a few hours to make you're totally asleep then depending on how you are in the morning either I'll come here again or I'll try to get you to come to the office. If you can I think the drive over and the fresh air and the sun will do you a world of good. I noticed you have some pretty heavy curtains on the windows.

A:Yeah, M Mary picked them. Said that they made her feel she could pretend that the house was some type of grand ballroom or something. Silly reason I know, but…

D:I know, May was special that way. Now, come along, time for bed.

A/N

In case anyone was wondering. No these weren't the same characters from yesterday, I just wrote them one after another and couldn't be bothered to think of another name such short notice.