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*~*~*~Circle of Despair: Sinful~*~*~*

I watch as Laerienna is stabbed by the Great Hero.

I wonder why she left herself open.

I hear the 'enemy' cheering.

I say 'enemy' because I wish I could side with them.

But why do they cheer? She is only a young girl.

The Great Commander has fallen.

The Great Hero has won.

My master will die.

And I shall atone for my sins.

Will I finally see my family again?

I remember why I joined my master. He threatened my family. My wife and children would die if did not join.

The very thought of being torn away from them is painful.

I pray that they will be spared from the evil I have committed.

They deserve better than me.

I abandoned them, to try to protect them, yet in the end, it only hurt them more.

I wish I stayed with them. At least then, they would not have to put up with all the atrocities I commit,all those callous deeds I did without blinking an eye. They had to put up with it. Our former friends and neighbours, scorning them all because of what I did.

My wife came crying tome one day, saying how the people at the market threw rotten fruit at her.

Or how my children came crying to me, covered in bruises from the other schoolchildren.

This is not the life they deserve.

What am I?

Am I a real father?

Am I a fake father?

Am I valid?

No, I know I am not any of these.

Nor, will I ever be.

After they came crying about how they were mistreated, I decided to ask my master for a favour.

I asked him for a castle, in a secluded area.

He simply laughed and agreed to it.

I never knew where the castle came from, but it seemed well cared for and clean.

Only later did I realize that this castle was a spoil from war.

Hundreds of people died, just so that my master could take the castle and give it to me.

It sickens me to know that my family and I live in a mass grave.

What am I?

Am I dense?

Am I clever?

No, I know I am not any of these.

Nor, will I ever be.

It has been four years since the war started.

I have served my master for nearly four years.

I have abandoned my family for nearly four years.

Four years.

Four years.

I am beginning to despise those two words.

I heard from my colleagues that my family were to be killed.

I didn't believe them; but they spoke the truth.

I regret that I ever doubted them.

I knew that my colleagues were right from the start. They said that even if I was an ally, I wouldn't stop him from hurting my family, manipulating me in to doing his bidding without protest.

When I finally decided to visit my family, I could not find them. I searched the entire castle, but it proved fruitless. Ready to give up, I noticed a trail of blood.

When I followed it, I ended up in the castle's dungeon.

The sight that awaited me was horrific beyond words.

What was I?

Was I stupid?

Was I naive?

Yes, I must be those. Yet, the only describe me- they don't define my soul.

When I saw that scene of horror, you would think that I would have cried or something along the lines of that.

The truth as to how I reacted?

Nothing.

My reaction was simply a stare. In fact, I don't know if I even felt sad or disgusted.

Not even after, did I feel any emotion.

Not until now. Not until I realized I lost everything and had no chance at gaining anything back.

I suppose all these feelings are rushing back to me because I doted on Laerienna, she reminded me of my own daughter. She was a bit older, yes, but she enjoyed the same things as my daughter did.

Eating sweets, reading and playing games.

Perhaps I have kept all my sentimental feelings hidden, to avoid feeling remorse when I carried out my orders. And those I cared about were the ropes I held on to so dearly, in fear of losing my sanity.

And I have now lost all of those ropes. All of them have been painfully cut, and my sanity may very well be gone.

Now what am I?

Am I a shadow of my former self?

Am I even a being with feelings anymore?

I believe that I am correct in these statements.

I wish to take my own life now.

I have nothing left to give, nothing left to fight for.

It doesn't even matter anymore, to be blunt.

It is either die on my own terms or be executed.

Being the proud-no-arrogant person I am, I will die on my own terms.

And, I will promise myself a painful death to atone for all those sins I have committed.

That will be one term I will abide to no matter the consequence.

But it will still only be a small penance.

I suppose there are sins that are too big to atone for with death.

What am I at this point?

Am I only being selfish?

Am I being repentant?

I know that my attempt to atone for my sins is too light. It is a cowardly way to escape from your sins.

I see the Great Hero leave.

Why not? He has completed his goal...hasn't he?

You would never have known by the look on his face. He seemed dejected, remorseful, and sentimental.

How strange...

I know he was with the Laerienna, yet I do not see her lying there.

I know she fell there.

I wonder...

Seeing the other army retreat, I decided to go back myself and report on what I witnessed.

But I will omit that last detail. I think that it will be a secret I keep until I go to my grave.

I walk and walk. I have no clear goal that I see.

I am not expected back for well over a fortnight.

I pass an old cabin. Curious, I approach it.

I knock on the door.

There is no answer, but this cabin is not abandoned.

I can see a shadow moving through the curtain.

"I know that there is someone in there." I called out.

A girl's voice cried out.

Concerned, I pushed open the door and find a young woman holding a sword.

She wasn't accustomed to it, as her stance and form were shaking and rather awkward.

She yells at me to go away.

She reminds me of all the people I hurt.

So I oblige and leave.

"Please, do be careful, miss." I told her.

"Wait! W-who are you? Why do you barge in to my home and leave?" she cried.

"I am weary of fighting. I wish to rest. I fear that if I keep fighting, all my worries and sadness will come back and haunt me." I reply.

"Then why do you fight?" she inquired.

"To protect those I care for. Well, at least when they were here."

Her large eyes seemed to understand me. "They are no longer here, yet you keep fighting to protect their memory? That is what I should think, but I know better. You are being forced to fight, are you not?"

"Yes, yes I am. You are quite astute."

"Thank you. Would you like to rest then? If you are afraid of your sorrow, you need to rest, in order to fight it off."

I shook my head. "No, I am fine, thank you."

She carefully eyed me. "Whatever happens, please know that death is not the ultimate penance. In fact, it is not considered so, if your sin is too big. It is more painful to stay alive, deal with the repercussions and face the agony of guilt."

I couldn't answer to that.

What am I to be?

Am I to be dead, six feet beneath the ground?

Am I to stay alive, and face the consequences of my actions?

I believe that I will face the consequences. If I don't, then my sins will never be forgiven.

Death does not offer that.