Come Dance at the Labor Ball

by Anonymous

{Young woman. Approximately 20 years of age. Pregnant. Very pregnant}

{Man in a long coat approaches the woman. Starts up friendly conversation with woman. Asks if she is pregnant.}

{Young woman laughs and replies}

Yes, I'm pregnant. Like nine months. Probably be in labor soon. Hold up… yup, that was definitely a contraction. 'Kay, I need to probably get to a hospital before it gets any worse. Where's the nearest hospital? Oh, thank you! I really appreciate you taking me to the hospital. Ya know I'm not from around here, so I don't know where the hospital is. Oh, another contraction. Ow, that kinda hurts. Are we almost there? This is the hospital? Oh, okay. Ouch, these contractions are getting harder and quicker. We'd better get inside. Good, we're almost there. Thank you for your help. Good-bye! Wait, what are you doing? Are you a doctor? Oh, okay then. Where are we going? Ow, this is getting worse. Hey, who are these guys? Hold on a minute! What are you doing? Put me down! Can't you tell I'm pregnant! What is that! I can't fit in there! Wait! Ow! Ow! This is not what I was told would happen. No!

{Narrator}

What you are hearing at this moment is a woman in labor who is about to experience the Labor Ball. Don't know what the Labor Ball is? Well then, let me explain: a woman in labor is lucky to be invited to the Labor Ball.

When she is first in labor, she is taken to the facility where her pregnant abdomen is measured and she is placed in the transfer tube that will accommodate her and her belly. In the transfer tube, all of her clothes are removed so that she may be bathed. Also, she is fed tablets to help with her pains so that she may later be able to enjoy the Ball. Beneath each transfer tube there is a tub of warm soapy water and an entire washing staff, very handsome men, I might add. The fully unclothed woman is placed into the tub and is washed by the washing staff, who compliment her and her belly, as it is their job. After she is washed, the woman is lifted out of the tub and is dried off. Then she is walked to the next room, where her dressing staff awaits. She is fitted with a corset that flattens her belly into the shape it was before her pregnancy. The dress is then put on her and she gets her hair and make-up done. Then she is ready to go to the ballroom.

While there, she and the other pregnant women are whisked away in beautiful music to dance to their hearts content. The women are able to dance as long as their bellies don't rip through their dresses. Let me describe this scene for you, as it is obvious that you have never heard of this magnificent ball.

It begins gradually. The woman often does not realize that her belly is beginning to swell. The belly continues to bulge until this corset can no longer hold back the belly. Then with a rip a fabric, the dress begins to give way to the belly. The rips become more pronounced, but the woman often still does not realize this, as it should be. But when the dress has been completely torn in the belly part, the woman's belly begins to swell at a faster rate. By that time, the woman knows, and, for some odd reason, many begin to wail. It is painful to the ears.

Oddly, most of the women must be dragged out of the ballroom, belly still expanding. The doors that the women are taken through lead to the birthing rooms. By this time the women have been transferred to a gurney. For your information, the woman's belly often grows more than 50% larger than it was at full term. The woman is taken to her birthing room at this time and is stood up, her ripped gown removed. To take her mind off the pain, her attendants that were with her in the washing room (remember, all men) come in at this time to entertain her. They are dancers. They begin to dance around her, feeling her, fondling her oftentimes still-swelling belly. They compliment her midsection. If the belly greatly expands, some of the dancers say that they have rarely seen such a large belly. They say that she must feel really lucky to have such a huge belly.

The woman, if she is a first time attendee, doesn't seem to agree, which is strange. When the woman is having trouble standing, she is hoisted up in the birthing chair. Then she is left alone to complete her labor in peace. Although I don't understand this- the women are nearly always are screaming, yelling that they are in pain. Later, the delivering staff is ready to join in the joy of the birthing. There is a lot of holding the woman down; it's almost like she wants more time with a swollen belly. She shouldn't worry; she will have more opportunities later. The women scream, which is puzzling. Eventually, the doctors tell the woman to push. The woman does this, but not hard enough. The doctors tell the woman to push again. Again. Again. Again. The woman is basically screaming at the top of her lungs, which I think is unnecessary.

At last, the baby is birthed. The woman looks happy. Of course, she should, but she looks tired too, which I can't understand why. The baby is taken away. The woman is sad. Why should she be? I mean, she should know that at the Labor Ball, one does not just labor once. Why, the best ones labor a good ten to twelve times before they are done. So, the labor begins again. The woman screams in pain, a lot of times begging for the staff to stay with her. She is stood up again, and her attendants come in again, to reprise their dance. The woman moans. Much later, the woman realizes the routine and I suspect that she begins to enjoy it again and appreciate the ceremony.

After the doctors determine that there aren't any more babies in the woman's belly, she is taken to the in-between room. There the woman rests for one month. When that time is up, the woman is taken to her assigned conception room, where her match awaits to make her eligible to get on the Labor Ball's list. Normally the match is successful in making the woman eligible for the Labor Ball. Our motto for those who aren't successful at first is, naturally, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again!" After the woman becomes eligible, she is conditioned in order to become fully equipped when her turn comes. The woman's belly usually swells at a faster rate than the first time around, so the doctors must be careful to know when the woman is ready for her turn. It usually takes nine months. Then the process starts over and over and over again.

I hope that you have enjoyed this article. If you are interested in becoming one of our guests, it is quite simple. One must only be pregnant in order to be eligible to apply. How does one apply? Easy. Stand at a lonely street corner and wait. We are always watching, and we will be happy to bring you into our fold.

If you are interested in becoming a match for one of our guests, please, call this number: 1-800-GET-LAID

We look forward to seeing you at our next Labor Ball.