Counseling Suicidal: A Life's Work or A Practical Necessity

I'm going to start today's post with some background information about my best friend Lindsay. We met in Color Guard when we both tried out for our Freshman year. In seventh and eighth grade I didn't have any friends, so when I entered into Color Guard I didn't talk very much. Even with only 14 other people on the team it took me months to learn everybody's names.

It was about three months into Color Guard, shortly before school started, that me and Lindsay became friends. During band camp (a 9 to 9, 5 day camp at the beginning of August where we learn most of our field show) me and Lindsay were the only ones who stayed at the school for dinner. We originally starting talking about choreography but from there we got onto anime and, as our joke goes, "it all went downhill from there". When school started we became the only Color Guard members who spent school time together and, after a short period where she split from her other friends (a story for another time), inseparable friends.

Mine and Lindsay's personalities are very different. I'm a chronic introvert and a bookworm, who, if not forcibly engaged with other people, will spend years without making a friend. Lindsay is an extrovert. She's spazzy, creative, adventurous, outgoing, and outspoken – all the qualities that I both admire and lack. Our physical appearances are also very different. I have bushy, black hair and blue/green/grey eyes, and a body type that tends to lean to the chubby side (yes, I am about 15 pounds overweight and have got a nasty belly – I'm working on it). Lindsay, on the other hand, is blond, has brown eyes, and a skinny, but not quite petite, body type. In school, I am an AP and Honor student with all my classes either being AP, Honors, or a year ahead bar one, and (most of the time) I have straight A's. Lindsay has a learning disability and it gives her some trouble in school. She's in regular and special ed (the kind for people who learn slow, not the physically or mentally disabled kind) classes and doesn't always have the best of grades.

In Color Guard I do pretty well. I am, in no way, the best or even close to the best, but I did make sabre and all the A lines, and I tend to remember choreography pretty easily. Lindsay's learning disability (a combination of memory issues and also not being able to apply things that she has learned effectively) causes her lots of problems in Color Guard. If you don't include junior highers, she'd probably rank somewhere around 9th or 10th out of 12 (I'd probably be in the 5th to 7th range, depending on what we're doing) and she beats herself up for it.

It's always been Lindsay's dream to do sabre and she's horribly upset that she hasn't done it yet even though its her 2nd year. I started it 2nd semester of my 1st year (I still really suck at it) and I know she resents me for it – even if she won't say it outright.

The thing is being on sabre is kind of an elite thing. In order to learn sabre you have to be able to do A line rifle and flag, as well as dance and body control. Lindsay can't do this. She doesn't believe me when I tell her but she often looks and acts very lazy with the equipment and slouches or forgets choreography. She also has a tendency to not point her feet (the #1 rule of Color Guard) and turn them in weird or awkward positions. Most of this isn't her fault – her learning disability and the fact that she is physically weak from being born 3 months premature prevents her from remember choreography or being able to perform it correctly consistently and so, she has never got onto sabre.

Another thing about sabres (what we call the people who do sabre) – they are always in front. Sabre is the hardest piece of equipment to perform and see so sabres are generally moved to the front. Also, the people who do sabre tend to do harder choreography on other pieces of equipment and are therefore in front for that. This means that Lindsay is always in the back – another thing she hates.

I can't tell you how many days Lindsay's been depressed over Color Guard. She'll storm off in a huff, refusing to talk to me or anyone else. Most of the time I follow her and she'll tell me about how upset and depressed she is that she can't get anything right, how useless she thinks she is, how she wants to quit the team, how she's contemplating suicide. I always try to comfort her. I tell her she'll do sabre next time. That the reason she's not on it yet is because the spots are limited. That she's perfectly good at Color Guard, she just had a little slip up that day. That it's okay she messed up, she's sick, she's tired, she's been absent so she doesn't know the choreography, she hurt her shoulder. That its okay, its okay, its okay… of course none of it ever helps. At the end of the day Lindsay's still not on sabre and she still hates herself. But most of the time I can cheer her up just a little.

Today I didn't even try.

For the last couple days we've been practicing for the Christmas Parade now that field season is over. Last year Lindsay didn't get to do it because she was sick and throwing up the day of the parade so she's been looking forward to it for awhile now. Yesterday she was sick again and was absent from school and missed a day of review so today, when we got quizzed on parade, she wasn't quite sure what she was doing.

In a Parade there are two parts – the competition part and the parade part. Last year junior highers held the banner (a sign that requires 4 people) throughout both. This year, however, Lorraine (our coach) decided that she was going to cut the high schoolers who didn't know the work from the competition and have the hold the banner then. Lindsay didn't make the cut. When I saw her and 3 others being forced to practice the work over and over again while Lorraine marched towards the rest of us to give us our formations, I knew that today's depressing was going to be especially bad.

It was.

Lindsay left practice as soon as possible, changed, and walked away without talking to anyone. At lunch she didn't show up. I decided not to go looking for her. I thought about texting her… but what am I supposed to say? Sorry? What's wrong? Can I help? You okay? You wanna talk? Ha! She doesn't want pity, I know what's wrong with her, there's no way I can help, she's obviously not okay and does not want to talk. I wouldn't be surprised if she hates me right now. But its not like I asked to make the cut – I don't even like parades! I would gladly switch with her if I could but Lorraine would never allow it.

She either hates me. Or she would hate me for amusing that I'm any part of what she's going through.

Either way I know what's going through her head – suicide.

I'm not saying that I think she would do it. But I know that that's what she's thinking about. She's thinking that she sucks at Color Guard. And that because she sucks at Color Guard she'll never be able to make it at the circus (her dream job). And that she's useless just because her parents don't care for her. She'll be saying to herself that she's a horrible person and why would anybody want to friends with her? She'll be saying that she's never going to get a job, never going to get a date, that no one will ever appreciate her, or love her, or think she'll amount to anything.

But none of it is true.

I care about her. I appreciate her. I think she's funny, and creative, and beautiful, and an amazing friend – even if I'd never dare to tell her that out loud. I know that's she's going to amount to something, that's she's going to make it at the circus. And as for her claim that no one will love her – that's not true either. I love her and I wish I could make her believe it. But I don't know what to do. There has to be something I can say, right? The correct words have to exist, right? Right?

And so this brings me to my title. I've wanted to become a therapist for a long time now and I've decided to speed up my training. In the interest of helping Lindsay, I am going to take a suicide prevental course. Because I'm sick of being helpless.

If you're still with me and you read all of that I want to thank you. This kind of thing has been troubling me for a while and I needed to talk about it. So if you don't mind, please leave a comment, I'd really appreciate it .

I so need to see my therapist…