|Love, Hate, Trust
Author: Aerivia PM
Is love and hate really that different? Is it harmful to hold in all your feelings and trust in a ball? How can you deal with the pressure of the three words always pounding in you head? Follow Ashley as her friend Sam tries to help her understand herself.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,635 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 12-08-12 - Published: 12-03-12 - id: 3079881
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I'd love to say things got better. How could they though? I was so utterly confused within myself to the point where I was breaking down on the inside from asking myself who I was?
Who am I? It's a question only yourself can answer. Even then, it's not supposed to be answered so early in life. Still, I cried on the inside, waiting for the answer to become clear. For the sick joke known as failure to end.
Then I have regret after regret. Little petty "issues" that can't be undone but if they never happened I may have been happier. Who would know though? Unless I was able to see an alternate universe for my other options I would of just picked the same paths over and over again. Still, regrets are just a memory meant to tease us over what could have been.
Everyone has regrets. In only the eighth grade I had more than enough. I regretted becoming friends with those girls. I regretted ignoring the one person who actually cared. I regretted Ignoring Sam until I realized I needed his always positive attitude. I regretted locking up my trust. My feelings. Locking myself away in a dark, damp prison so I wouldn't get hurt. I didn't want anyone's pity though. Why would I? I was incapable of accepting a compliment because I felt like I was being lied too. If I were to be pitied I would probably scream and yell. Make every person near me fee uncomfortable.
Compared to some people I had the perfect life. Roof over my head, food on the table, friends who cared about me, amazing grades. All of my problems seemed to be self-inflicted. Like I've said before, I tortured myself in a way no other human being could torture their worst enemy. When your only true enemy is yourself the pain you're able to inflict seems magnified a thousand times over. You know the weaknesses. Mine was primarily my desire for attention. Deprived of it I went mad.
It all worked out in the end though.
Until two weeks ago that is. While the girls were great company I just didn't fit in too well. Only Kassidy and I really got along. When the group disbanded I blamed myself. Cali hung out with Freeman, Tatum found some grade sevens, Kassidy took up soccer. I was alone once more, but I had somebody take me under my wing. Sam and I grew close together. We always protected ourselves and more important, each other.
Whenever one was harassed or bullied the other would be there for them.
It was amazing to feel wanted. To feel as if I had someone outside of my family who I truly cared about. I was selfish though. I wanted to keep it purely for myself. I was an attention seeker. Something I could reasonably regret. Guess it just wasn't who I was at the time. I'd rather of brought him into a world of nothingness just like the one I had created for myself so long ago.
When a girl named Drew asked him out he asked for my opinion. Neither of us had really had anything going in the romance department, we'd never dated anyone before. I wasn't foolish though. I couldn't explain why I wanted so badly to disagree so I just put on my best fake smile and told him he should say yes. The minute the words were out I regretted them just as I had my other "failures" although this one was for good reason. I felt my heart sank as I wanted to protect him from danger. He seemed thrilled someone had taken a romantic interest in him so protecting him would just hurt him.
The dated for a few weeks. A new boy had joined my class during the time. I'd seen the way Drew reacted to him. During lunch she would talk about how hot he was, or how he was single. She was playing Sam just for the sake of saying she had a boyfriend originally. I knew this but favored his happiness over his heartbreak. Another regret. I had planned on talking to him but she beat me to it as she broke up with him. Not two minutes after the news that she had been rejected by the new guy had reached us.
I felt happy because it made Sam happy. Even after I told him about my suspicions he laughed them off. He thought that an attempt and a failure was better than nothing at all. I should have taken that subtle advice. It would've helped me plenty of times. Unfortunately, it really would have only helped my past self.
It wasn't much longer after I hear that news that Drew reappeared. I thought it was pathetic the way she dragged herself back to him. He knew better than to say yes this time. I think their was a mutual agreement to avoid dating anybody for a long time of this was the result.
He didn't feel heartbroken though. Instead we just talked about mindless topics. What video games we found most enjoyable. What gossip we had heard. How my babysitting career was going. How his lawn cutting business was going.
It distracted us from all our worries. I began to regret locking up my trust as well as almost every emotion I could name. Even love was scarcely shown. It's why I ended up here. In the woods next to our small town, where nobody would find me. A quiet, lonely place. Amazing. Thinking back on everything.
I was attempting to "retrieve" one thing.
I wanted only one thing for nearly two years.
It was never in my grasp, I guess.
Where it used to be is where I kept all of my emotions bundled up as well as every last piece of my trust.
It was an empty vortex I planned to refill.
I wanted my soul back.
Thank you to "A Person" (love that lol) for reviewing. Really means a lot. I guess I succeeded in making Ashley the bitchy yet relate able character I hoped she would be.