Lessons That Never Happened

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I just wanted to have one walk
One talk that wasn't angst
To show you I was okay
One more day to try and fix it

I had wanted to feel special
And I thought it was okay
Those days I sought your attention
A kind mention of my name

But it was so wrong
So wrong
To say what I said
Late at night in bed, crying
Over how much I said
How must I have made myself look to you?

Knowing how impractical
It's a fact: I was stupid
Past experience thrown aside
Lessons that never happened

I wanted your hugs
It bugged me how
My sadness didn't matter
Why did it have to matter?

Why couldn't I have been nice
And normal – was this my choice?
Why did I spoil our friendship
And rip up common sense
To heal a wound I would rather bled?

So slice me and make me bleed
Let me feel it burning
There must be more guilt there...
Layers like silt and further still
A will to self-destruct

It was so wrong
So wrong
To say what I said
Late at night in bed, crying
Over how much I said
How must I have made myself look to you?