I wish I could leave and be done with your unfaithful, abusive ways. To forget your comforting arms around me the sweet kisses we once shared. I wish hope wouldn't be this beckon of a resplendent blaze. That it wouldn't be warm and loving. I wish you would stop kissing me in the mornings just to fuck your desk lady.

I just wish, that I could leave this cage and go out into the real world. We both know I can't though. Don't we love. That's why I have to obliterate myself first before you can. The love still burns a scorching heat against my palms.

Yet that could just be my imagination working there, mistaking the burn marks that you created . I still remember how last night you pushed my hands into the frying pan disabling me from using them. Now they move in a rhythmic pattern just like my heart beat.

As if to say that once I stop your heart will stop too. Maybe this is their way of saying that I have to kill you. Make your heart as still as mine. This tainted love, we must burn it out, don't you know? Just like how you burned everything else. I can hear you stomp into our small flat. The door slamming and I know your drunk, I know you've just screwed your desk lackey.

I'm in the bedroom staring at the clock, the flashing red lights telling me it's 11:26. The darkness paints pictures along the walls, as I lay here. My heart stops in dread as your cursing gets worse. As you holler my name. Stella. Stella. Stella! Stella!

You bang the door open and I begin to openly weep now. I know you hate it but I can't stop. You stand in the doorway with the light in the background. I wish to say that you look like an angel, a god sent gift like you once were. Now, your just the devil sent here to rape my body and mind. I can't stop you just like I can't stop me from loving you. Why? Why?

You growl those disgusting names again as you paint my body in bruises. Whore. You push my legs apart. Slut. You move into my womb. Cheater. The pattern begins. Your breath smells like alcohol, vodka I presume. Stubble rubbing into my breast over my heart. I can feel my blood running down my legs and I wish for one you'd take the pistol in your left dresser and kill me. Paint my brains against the walls and porcelain white pillows. To just get rid of me.

I love you, I think, as you sleep next to me. Trusting me not to kill you. I love you and I wish to stop. Give my heart back, don't hold it in your vulture claws. I no longer sleep, I no longer talk. I no longer sing, dance, smile, no longer loving myself. Her. Me. Choose.

You can't, you wont and I hate that. The one thing I hate with a passion. My vagina pulses like my hands and heart. Like my neck, legs, back, ass. Fluids leak out of me as if I were a sink. Being turned on and off but always on. On. On.

Nightmares of banishment and abandonment cause me to stir in a pitiful snooze. I dream of you smiling at our wedding. I walked down the aisle in my mermaid dress, my form showing off as the veil covered my face. You stand next to the priest and you look so dashing in your black tailored suit and your yellow tie. I can hear my mother cry in happiness as I married the devil.

My father stood next to me in his military uniform, expressionless. I wish to tell him to take me back to not give me away. I only smile at him with lips sewn shut. The background showing all my great memories I wish to forget. Then the arguments start and soon I'm tied to you in metal chains. They bite into my wrists making them leak blood, and soon I'm being turned on and on and on.

You the abuser, me you victim. I can vividly hear your yelling and as soon as we go to kiss I wake up. I wake up to you kissing me awake with your lips then the pillow. I never fight as you tell me how your going to kill me, how your going to get rid of me.

Trust me love, I wish you too, I wish you can just go beyond words and depression and actually kill me. You wont though and I look at you blankly knowing this. Just as I know, you know, I can't kill you and the day begins and repeats. Just like the dreams and wishes they all repeat. I wish rhythm and repetition stopped.

My vision turns dark and for once I think you're actually going to do it. My heart goes faster now the lack of oxygen going to my brain and I am happy.

Simple happy at the fact that today I will die and go into the beyond. Away from you forever, forever. I-I can't, I start to struggle crying out showing emotion once more, I show fear. A long-lost emotion that has been hidden behind bruises and welts. Your not stopping though and I grab your neck with all my might. Digging my nails into your Adams apple drawing blood and you jump back.

I kick you off me and you get angry. I get angry. I then yell out. Wondering why you do what you do? Don't you want me? You married me didn't you? I hat-hat-LOVE you! I lose my voice, you unfaithful bastard, I whisper, I'm not leaving. Never going I am a rock, earth, constantly with you, just like a pet, loyal and easily controlled. Trained. I am trained to stay and never leave. I am trained to wish the old you would once again be here.

We stare at each other before you get up and get ready for work and I, in all my deformity, sit with my legs open. Dirty blond hair in a nest. White skin painted blue, green, brown, purple so fucking ugly. We both know that when you get home I'll have a well cooked meal for you and will be in bed with my legs opened. Again.

The cycle repeats. I hate repetition.