we're standing in your office and i realize i've said that out loud
so i tell you to imagine that we're standing in a field
it isn't really a field, but i like the word and its connotations, so i use it
we're actually standing right outside the building
your dog is there, but he's not moving because the world is frozen.
it's only us that can move, because we're in this imaginary moment. together.
using my hands (because we're actually still in the office) i mime a hole
the hole exists and i tell you to imagine i'm standing in it
so now there is a hole in the ground outside and i'm in it and it's covered
but when did I cover it?
that's the beauty of the drugs, i never covered it
just like the hole doesn't exist, just like we're standing in your office
just like the pout on my face and the slight twitch at the corners of your mouth,
are the only real things here
but i'm still in the hole and standing outside the hole and standing here inside
so this is what's "real" but in order to reach real, you have to pierce through it all
the hole, the covered hole, just deeper than I am tall
that's where I really exist
but then I'm standing outside the hole aren't I?
that's also me, the me I was before the drugs
now I'm here in your office, trying to figure out these two people inside of me
these people who are simultaneously me and they're inside me and I am here
i laugh, awkward, loud. i bark. like your dog would bark but it can't because he isn't here
it's all made up in my head
just like that the awkward parts coalesce, like russian dolls
and you shuffle some papers around and ask if that will be all
because you don't know what it's like
all your parts work, all your pieces fit
you're not constantly standing inside a telephone booth
a telephone booth that mutes the rest of the world

i tried to tell you how the drugs feel
but i can't, because i don't know where i end
and where they begin