How do I begin this one?

This thing that's been

Festering inside me

It's toxic,

Seeping up all my energy.

Making me angry,

Reminding me

Constantly

Of what you said

What you did.

I hesitate and I find that

A bit funny,

Because I don't want to hurt

You,

You who valued my life so little

You who was angry so decided

I wasn't worth saving,

If you were mad, my life

Was yours for the taking.

Ice on the roads,

You laugh at its hazardous coat

You screamed something at me

To be honest all I remember

Is your turning at me and laughing

I warned you to slow down,

You pressed on the gas

Harder and harder,

The car sped down farther and farther

You were in a rage

Saying maybe you'd wreck and die,

And I did every thing I could not to cry.

I said how would you feel if it was me and

Not you,

Tell me Mother,

What would you do?

You said you'd been a bad mother all along…

I said this isn't something I could ever forget

This pain, it's with me, it's still fresh,

I can't tell you its ok.

Now you say you're sorry,

For what? Exactly?

Saying I was a mistake?

Screaming the most horrid things?

Or thinking my life was yours to take?

Now you beg me not to be mad,

I'm not truly,

I'm more of inconsolably sad.

You say you're sorry

I say I know.

You've done this all before

I guarantee you'll do it a

Hundred times more.

Forgive you?

I can try,

But I don't know…

I can't seem to forget the

Look in your eyes.

Mom, I actually said it,

But did you hear me?

I said "you talk about killing

Yourself when you angry

And then wonder why I'm scared

And so screwy?"

But I don't think you heard a word

I said,

You were to preoccupied with

Wishing us both dead,

Something that made me smile

Is when you smiled at me,

Your last born child,

You said don't worry baby,

No one could ever hate me

As much as I hate myself.

How many times have I said that?

How many times have I written that?

Enough that it almost made me laugh.

Mom, I love you,

But I don't ever want to be like

This part of you.

It scares me,

I can't imagine how

It must terrify you.

I know you're sick

But it's not my fault

And there is just so much

Of this crap I can take and

Keep in my inner vault.

It stops right?

Eventually, it get's better?

Like all tunnels this one

Has light?