Author: BipolarUnicornMonster PM
A story about my struggle with eating disorders. Mia and Ana. They're back again. I thought I was better. I'm still cutting myself, but I thought that Ana and Mia were gone for good. I was wrong. WARNING: may be TRIGGERING, also includes language and possibly self harm in the future. Not a One Shot. R&R please.Rated: Fiction T - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,879 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 01-05-13 - id: 3089502
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Here I am, twice in one day! Thats pretty good for me I think. Guess I'm trying to keep my mind off things. Haven't eaten since Wensday morning (half a bagel= 100 calories and mango juice= 100 calories) and the day before that I had 5 peices of gum (5 calories each= 25 calories) and a little bit of lettuce (= 15 calories)Been running. Almost passed out. Got inside. Weighed myself. Just. Not. Good. Enough.
Goddamnit! I've been running and running and running and running and I haven't eaten in days but I'm still not getting skinny fast enough! What do I do Ana? I'm really hungr- I am so sick of eating. I don't want to eat. I want to eat so muc- Eating is gross. At least it is when I do it. Because I'm fat and ugly and Ana! Please... I need to lose quicker! There a rolls of skin hanging from my stomach, keeping in the piles and piles of fat and puss and ickysadbad stuff that I know lies underneath it. I cut a pretty red line in my stomach, and the greyangrywhispershadows used their sharpish claws to stitch it back up for me. I wish they would have just let the fat fall out. I can still see the trickles of fat seeping in between the stitches. I want to go throw up all the food inside of me... but there is none... I can't run anymore, I know I'll pass out. I'm lost.
Please, BiPolar Unicorn
Dear BiPolar Unicorn,
I don't care if you don't think you can run any longer. Get your fat ass back out there and RUN! And I damn well know that Mia warned you again assosiating with Self-Harm. Look what happened last time she was invovled. Do you really want that to happen again? Heres the deal, you can cut, as long as it IS on your stomach like you did today, where no one will likley see it. Also, you can only do it if you feel like eating, to stop yourself from breaking fast. Only since Wensday? And why the fuck did you eat a bagel of all things? Those things have all kinds of gross stuff in them. You should have eaten more lettuce. And the juice was just ridiculous. WATER! That is all you should drink. You don't deserve that kind of stuff. You haven't made enough progress yet. Take your vitamins so you won't need that shit. Try harder. No... don't just TRY. You HAVE to do better.
I will. I promise. I just ran some more, and I didn't stop until I fell over because I was so dizzy. Then I came inside and now I'm sitting with the heat on high, and warm pajama bottoms on, my daddys huge winter coat, and 4 blankets. I'm so hot and I'm sweating so much. I know that I'm not losing REAL weight right now, just water weight, but it still makes me feel better. I'm going to succeed. I promise.
ISwear, BiPolar Unicorn
Dear... Jacqueline (Why do you call yourself BiPolar Unicorn? You are JACQUELINE. Thats who you are. Don't forget who you are... not again...),
Where have you gone? You're slipping back into old habbits... you're losing yourself again in that darkness that hurt you so much last time. Hurt all the people around you. It hurt me. Because I am you. Why are you doing this to us? I know that you want to be skinny, and I do too. Really. But why are you doing it this way? Last time it just made you cry and bleed and fall and throw up and hurt and starve and maybe it worked, I mean, 82 pounds for someone 5'4 isn't too bad. But did it actually make you HAPPY? You weren't satisfied with that were you? You wanted more... or should I say less. And I know that if you don't get help now, you'll just keep shrinking until you disapear. And I'll be gone too.
I don't know who you are. Thats not my name. It WAS my name. It's my alias. The thing that my 'parents' and my 'friends' and my 'fillinthefuckingblanks' call me. That isn't me. You aren't me! You don't have any idea what you're talking about. I'm not hurting us- I'm not hurting me. I don't just WANT to be thin. Thats the difference between the two of us. I NEED to be skinny.
From, Jacque- BiPolar Unicorn
I'm really confused. My mind is fucking with me again. Make it go away. All of the doubts and the voices telling me to eat. My thoughts are arguing with themselves. I know that I can't have any food! I can't eat! I know that! I don't want any food! I really want to ea- I'm not even hungry! Why should I? Empty is strong right? Well right now I'm totally empty, and I feel wea- I feel SOOO strong. It makes me feel horrib- so fucking GOOD. My dad just offered me some popcorn. I said no. He didn't say anything further. He doesn't suspect. He made some for himself though... I just want one bite of th- I don't even want to taste it. Not even smell it. It smells sooo goo- it's sickening. It's gross. DISGUSTING! How can he eat that stuff? I used to love popco- I've always hated popcorn anyway. I hate how the cernels get stuck in your teeth. It's annoying. I remebered another Thinspiration quote- "Nothing tastes better than being skinny feels." ... So true. Nothing tastes good at all. Not anymore. Not since you helped me realize.
From Ja- BiPolar Unicorn
Yep... so... theres another one... I love reviews! PLEASE! Love you all:)